Just a Little Addicted
by JenCollins1
Summary: Dan and Phil have been friends for years now. They have strong feelings for each other. But they keep their eyes closed. One day everything changed. and not for the best. it all goes to the wrong way for both of them. but maybe not so wrong.
1. Chapter 1

**Just a little addicted.**

Dan was sitting in his room in the dark. It wa 3:26 am. He was awake because he was waiting for Phil to come home from clubbing. Dan was a little worried but he shouldn't be.

Phil is a grown man. Hell he's 30.

 _So stop it, Dan. Stop being so stupid and making up problems that wasn't even there._

Dan was being paranoid. But it was just because he cared about Phil, cared a little to much for his best friend.

Dan always felt more attracted to Phil than a best friend should be. Dan wanted to be more than a simple best friend. Dan wanted to be Phil's lover. Just like fans thought they were.

Dan loved this ship called Phan. He could spend hours on tumblr watching all the fanarts of Phan and reading conversations about it.

There have been times when he had replayed to some. He was amazed at how fans could write fanfictions about Phan. He loved to read them. It was his little dream world he liked to live in.

Doors locking and opening made Dan put his computer and thoughts away. He stood up and went to the living room. He didn't know that it would be a big mistake he had made.

Phil was leaning against the wall with some guy kissing his neck.

Dan saw that Phil was drunk but he saw that Phil wanted this, wanted to do dirty things with this guy he had probably met at the club.

It hurt Dan so much. He wanted to scream and cry. He wanted to be in the guy place. He wanted to be with Phil.

Phils eyes finaly met Dans and he let a little embarresed smile play on his lips, pushing the guy away from his neck.

"Dan! I thought you would be asleep. Greg, this is Dan, my roommate and best friend." Phil said in a cheerfull tone.

"Yeah. I'm a night owl as you know. I was editing a video." Dan said in casual but pissed off tone.

"Oh, well we won't disturb you. We're going to my room." Phil took Greg's hand and led him past Dan to Phils room, closing the door behind them.

Dan was left there broken breaking with unspoken needs.

Dan put his jacket and put his wallet and phone into his pocket. He went outside just because he didn't want to hear how this Greg guy had made Phil moan and hit his climax.

Dan wanted to be the one who did that.

Dan put his earphones on and listened to music, letting it calm him down. But it didn't stop his mind from the image of Phil with that _fucking guy._

Dan needed to stop it. He needed some kind of relise.

Dan stoped infront of the dangerous looking man. Dan stood tall so he would look more confident about himself infront of this man.

"What ya want, Pretty boy?" Man asked in a low voice.

"Something that will set my mind off my problems. Something that will make me feel good." Dan said, looking straight into the mans eyes, making his point.

"I can give you that, if your willing to pay for it, Pretty boy." He said, putting his hands in his pockets.

Dan took out enough cash and gave it to the man without thinking.

He looked at it and give gave a little plastic bag with a little shot in it and a couple collorfull pills next to it. Dan took the bag, looking it up.

"Pills as a gift." He said with a smirk on his lips.

"Thanks." Dan said, going away.

He had tried drugs before. He had used them before.

Dan sat down on the park bench. He took out a little shot and rolled up his sleeves. He found his vein, pushing the sharp needle into it without worries.

He closed his eyes, feeling powerfull drugs sliding into his veins. And hell. It felt so fucking good.

 _How had Dan forgot how good this made him feel ? How was that possible?_

Dan tossed the used shot into the trash can near the park bench and pushed his sleeve back down.

Dan looked down at the gifted pills. He put them into his jacket pocket for later.

Dan sat, looking up in the sky and letting the drugs kick in.

After a couple minuets Dan started to feel so good. No more worries. Just fun, joyfull Dan. He loved this side of himself.

Dan went to the first club he could find. He wanted to dance. Wanted to be crazy and just have fun.

He loved the freedom drugs gave him.

 _Oh, how he missed this feelings. How he loved these feelings this gave him._

Dan felt free! Free from everything. Even from himself.

Dan danced with everyone who wanted to dance with him.

And it was so much fun.

Dan laughed so much. He was happy.

In the morning when the club closed he went to another party with a little group of people he had met in the club.

They partied for more good hours. And Dan didn't care at all. He loved this free feeling he was having in these moments.

Dan went home around midday. He went into his flat, singing along to his music. He even danced around a little.

He didn't see or hear Phil entering the hallway. So he bumped into him, falling off his feet and down on his butt. And that made Dan laugh so hard like crazy.

Because for him it was so fucking funny that he couldn't stop laughing about it.

"Dan, are you alright? " Phil asked in a worried tone, trying to help Dan stand up.

"Don't you fucking touch me!" Dan pushed Phils hands away and stood up, picking his earphones up from the floor.

Dan ignored Phils asking, worried face and went into the kitchen to find that Greg guy, sitting in his chair and eating breakfast.

"What the fuck is he doing here?!" Dan turned to look at Phil.

"Calm down, Dan. We're eating breakfasts. What's gotten into you?" Phil asked becoming a little annoyed and sitting down.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! You didn't just ask me that, did you? Know what Lester? FUCK YOU! And fuck your fuckboy too! I fucking hate you both! " Dan lost it all and went to his room, slamming his bedroom door with such big force that made the walls tremble a little.

Phil sat there in total shock. He had seen Dan having a bad days but this was even worst.

"I'm sorry about what just happened... " Phil said in a worried tone.

He was actually worried about Dan.

"It's okay. I think I should go. I don't want to be between you and your boyfriend drama." Greg said, standing up.

"Boyfriend? Dan isn't my boyfriend! And I am not a cheater!" Phil said in an angry tone, opening the doors for Greg to leave.

"Whatever." Greg said, going away without a goodbye.

Phil shut the door behind him and took a couple deep breaths.

 _Boyfriend ? Does he and Dan really look like boyfriends?_

Phil didn't know what to think. He wanted to be Dans boyfriend but he just _couldn't_ do that.

"Ugh. Why this is so complicated?" Phil asked himself.

Phil went to Dans room and gently knocked on the door but didn't get any answer.

Dan heard Phil knocking. He just didn't want to open these damn doors to him.

Dan was laying in his bed looking at the ceiling, listening.

Phil slowly opened and closed the doors to Dans room and step inside.

He felt worried about Dan and his reaction about Phils one night stand.

Phil usually didn't do one night stands. This time he just needed someone to take his mind off Dan. It took him so much to actually do it.

Phil got drunk but he couldn't stop himself from imagining Dan insted of Greg. And it was so hard not to moan Dans name when he come.

"Dan..." Phil took a step toward Dan, ready for any kind of reaction.

"What do you want Lester?" Dan asked without looking at Phil.

"What just happened? Why did you say things like that?" Phil sat down next to Dan and looked at his face, waiting for any answer.

"Do i need to replay all I said?" Dan snapped at Phil.

"No. I just wanna know what is happening with you, Dan. Please talk to me. "Phil begged.

Dan looked at him and he just couldn't keep being mad at Phil. Phils blue eyes looked so sad, searching answers in Dans brown ones.

"And what will happen, if I tell you the reasons why?" Dan asked, sitting up.

"Than we will talk about it." Phil said, looking with hope in Dans eyes.

"Did he touch you after you took a shower?" Dan asked in a really serious tone.

"No." Phil shook his head.

"Good." Dan said, making his choice in his head.

Phil looked a little confused.

Dan grabbed his face in his hands and pushed his cold lips against Phils warm ones.

Phils eyes snapped wide open in shock about what was happening.

He closed his eyes and answered Dans kiss, putting one hand into his curly hair.

Dan pushed Phil down and got on top of him, continuing the kiss.

The kiss got hotter and hotter with every move.

And Phil loved it. He felt like in heaven.

And Dan enjoed that Phil didn't push him away. He loved being able to feel Phils lips against his own.

Phils free hand slid under Dans shirt.

Dan suddenly pushed Phil away and sat on the other side of bed.

"W... what...?" Phil asked, panting.

"I won't fuck you right after that dickhead did." Dan snapped.

"What?" Phil was in shock about all that was happening right now with him.

"I won't fuck you right after someone else have fucked you! You heard that." Dan said, crossing his arms on his chest.

"Dan... I.."

\- Yes? What are you waiting for? Go! – Dan snapped in a rude tone.

 _Oh, if Phil just knew that it was to protect Dans feelings._

Phil was so taken a back. He just sat there, looking in Dans eyes and feeling his heart shatter into a milion peices.

Phils eyes started to water when he got up.

That broke Dans heart. He wanted to pull him inside his arms and just kiss him and tell him that everything will be okay.

But he couldn't do that. He just couldn't be that selfish.

Hot tears made it's way down Phils left cheek right before Phil got out of Dans room, slamming the door behind him.

Dan sat there, feeling how every peice of him was breaking apart. And he just screamed into his pillow.

 _Why the hell was he such a burden!? Why did he always have to ruin every good moment?_

Dan screamed and threw his pillow aside.

He felt so fucking bad. He wanted to run after Phil. Tell him that he loved him.

But no. He can't do that. He just can't.

Dan sat down and took out the plastic bag he had in his jacket pocket.

He counted the little pills in his hand.

5... 5 little collorfull pills.

Strong.

And Dan didn't think twice. He put them all into his mouth and swallowed them.

He knew that he could overdosed because the shot had not run out of his body yet.

But he didn't care if he lived or died.

Dan just sat next to his bed, closing his eyes and waiting.

Waiting for the drugs to kick in and take over his stupid useless body.

And when they did he start to forget everything.

 _Every why he had._

 _Every doubt he had._

 _Every reason he had._

He forget it all and finally he breathed freely.

He was free.

Free from himself and his mistakes.

Free from everything.

And he let it be that way.

He didn't want to change anything in it at all.

He let himself disapear.

 _Forever_.


	2. Chapter 2

***just a little addicted pt.2***

Dan stood up with a big smile on his face. He had fallen asleep after taking all the pills.

He went out of his bedroom to hop into the shower. He felt a sudden want for hot shower. He stood under the hot water and started to laugh, watching how soap ran down his naked body. When no soap was left he hopped out of the shower, standing infront of mirror. He smiled at himself, seeing dark cirkles under his eyes. He didn't remember when was the last time he ate. And he didn't care. Drugs gave him all his needed energy.

Dan went out of the bathroom without being bothered to put his clothes on. It was morning again. So does it mean Dan had slept the whole day?

Hah. _Funny_.

Dan went into the kitchen to see Phil cooking breakfast that smelled just _delicious_.

Dan put his arms around Phils waist, making Phil jump.

"Smells delicious." Dan murmured into Phil's ear.

"You scared me." Phil said, taking the pan off the oven top.

"Didn't mean to." Dan put his chin on Phil's shoulder.

Dan put his nose into Phil's hair and took in a deep breath.

He loved the scent of Phil.

"Your hair is wet." Phil laughed.

"I know. I just took a shower." Dan said, keeping his nose in Phil's dark hair.

Phil turned around in Dan's arms.

"Oh god, Dan. You haven't put any clothes on." Phil said, starting to blush, understanding how close Dan's naked body was to his.

"Don't wanna. Don't need them on." Dan said, looking deep into Phil's eyes.

He loved looking at how the mixed blues in Phil's eyes played together.

Phil looked deep into Dan's eyes. He was a little shook, seeing that almost all the brown was gone and replaced with black.

"Dan, are you feeling okay?" Phil asked, a little worried.

"I'm feeling great." Dan put a sweet kiss on Phil's cheek and let him free from his arms.

Phil wanted to scream for Dan to put his arms back around him but he keep silent.

Dan took breakfast and sat down, starting to eat.

He drank Phil's coffee without asking but Phil wasn't mad about it. He just thought that it was cute.

"So, what are we doing now?" Dan asked with a full mouth.

"I think we should make a video." Phil said, sitting down and starting to eat before Dan ate all he have cooked for them both.

"Sounds good with me." Dan smiled a big smile, showing his dimples.

Phil felt his heart so warm. He loved Dan's dimples and his curly hair.

"Okay. Just put some clothes on so you don't give a heart attack to our fans." Phil said, letting a small laugh out.

Phil knew that he wouldn't be able to be around a naked Dan for too long. Eventually he would start to imagine things and get hard.

Shit. He needed to stop before he did just that.

"What's with the strange look?" Dan asked, laughing. "Do I disturb you with my nakedness?"

"A little, yes." Phil said as he began to blush.

"Aww Lester, you started to blush. Because of me." Dan took his phone and snapped a photo of a blushing Phil.

"Stop it! Please! It's embarrassing!" Phil said, chuckling.

"Make me!" Dan said, winking before running away.

Dan loved this playful atmosphere between himself and Phil.

He needed to keep that.

Phil laughed from the kitchen starting to wash dishes.

Phil was happy that Dan was back to a good mood.

He couldn't stand Dan being in a bad mood like yesterday. It just hurt Phil so much.

That's why Phil choose not to mention their sudden kiss.

He heard Dan laughing about something and smiled to himself.

 _Dan is just so cute._

Phil finished the dishes and went to living room to see Dan already putting cameras in places and being dressed in Phil clothes.

"Did you ask me to borrow these clothes?" Phil asked, putting his hands on his hips.

"Nah.. But do I need to?" Dan asked, smiling so innocently that he made Phil smile too.

"Only this time." Phil rolled his eyes as he sat down.

"Let's start.." Dan said, letting out another laugh.

They filmed a video for around 3 hours but then they decided to make a livestream Q&A.

Dan was so happy and cheerfull about the idea that Phil couldn't say no.

Dan cheerfully answered to all questions and joked around a lot, making Phil laugh all the time.

But suddenly Dans laugh was cut off. He put his hand infront of his mouth and other on his stomach and run to toilet.

In a split second Phil thought it was some joke from Dan but than he hear Dan starting to throw up.

It put Phil in such worry.

"Sorry guys. That's it for today." Phil said in a hurry and hit the end button before running to Dan.

Dan was kneeling infront of toilet, throwing up.

He was crying really hard and gasping for breaths.

Phil sat down next to him, holding him in place and drawing soothing circles on his back.

Dan couldn't stop vomiting.

He felt so sick.

It felt like all his inside had made the decision to come out.

Stupid withdraws of drugs if you don't take next part soon enough.

Dan was crying really hard.

Everything was spining and he felt like burning.

When he tried to suck in a breath he started to vomit again.

He felt Phil panicing beside him.

He took Phils hand in his and gripped it as tight as he could.

In one second their eyes met.

Phils was full of worry and was starting to water a bit.

Dans eyes started to get back their brown color but was bloodshot and full of streaming tears.

Dan made a sound that made Phils blood turn into ice.

Dan kept throwing up over and over.

And with every vomit wave he got paler and paler with sweat on his face.

Dan was shaking really hard and making weird noises.

Phil held him tight against himself.

He didn't care that their clothes would be ruined.

All he cared was how to help Dan feel better.

Dan suddenly crushed against Phils body.

Dan didn't have any weight left into his body.

He wanted to sleep.

But he felt like dieing.

Phil held him close, making sure Dan could breath freely.

Dan was cursing himself for forgetting to get the next dose of drugs.

He was so stupid to forget.

Nothing lasts, you stupid idiot.

Dan cried out in cramps, accidently bitting Phil in the arm.

It made Phils eyes fill with tears of pain but Phil kept silent.

All he cared about was Dan.

What was wrong?

Dan was okay just a moment ago.

What did happen?

Phil didn't know.

Phil was scared.

"Dan. Dan do you hear me?" Phil asked, taking Dans chin in his hand, making him look at Phil.

Dan opened his mouth but no words came out.

He turned his head in time to throw up.

"I am calling an ambulance." Phil said. "Just please try to keep in sitting position for a moment while i get my phone." Phil said, starting to get up.

"No!" Dan said in sudden terror, gripping Phils arm.

He looked inside his eyes, begging.

"Please... Phil... Please don't..." Dan started to cry again.

And Phil was in a crossroad with himself.

To call an ambulace or listen to Dan begging him not to.

And Phil was to weak to say no to Dan. Specially when he was begging Phil.

"Okay... but if it will get any worse i am calling them." Phil said, taking Dan back into his arms.

Dan nodded and closed his eyes, letting his head fall against Phils arm.

Phils warmth made him feel better.

But Dan knew that nothing is over.

He knew that it was only first wave of payment for putting drugs into his body.

He let himself to fall into a thin sleep before another wave come making Dan scream in cramps.

Phil was losing his calm self.

He cried, holding Dan in his arms.

Dan was in such big pains and Phil couldn't do anything about it.

Suddenly all cramps stopped and Dans eyes rolled back into his head making his eyes shut. And his body relaxed.

Phil was in big shock.

For a couple seconds he just looked at Dans body without knowing anything.

And than he started to panic.

He laid Dan down and shook his bod,y trying to wake him.

But Dan didn't answer.

Dan didn't react.

His lips were turning blue and purple.

Phil was in panic, crying and trying to wake Dan up.

But Dan didn't wake up.

Dans body laid there cold without any hope.

Phil screamed, hitting Dans chest trying to wake him up.

He stood up, running to get the phone.

He hit "999" and screamed into the phone what had just happened.

Phil took Dans cold still body back into his arms, rocking back and forth with it murmuring sweet nothing into Dans ear.

He push Dans curly hair out of his eyes begging for Dan to open them.

Dan was so pale in his arms. With such blue lips that was darker than Phils eyes.

Phils tears were washing Dans face.

Phil screamed at Dan and begged him to wake up.

But Dan didn't hear a word that come out of Phils mouth.

Dan didn't hear anything.

Dan didn't feel how strong Phil held him tight to his body.

Dan didn't feel anything.

But in the same moment Phil felt everything.

Doctors ran into Phils bathroom, kneeling down beside him asking to let go of Dans body.

Phil didn't want to let go.

Phil couldn't.

But doctor said it was the only way how they could help Dan if Phil put him down.

So Phil put Dan down but stayed close murmuring that everything will be okay and that it all is just sick nightmare and he will wake up.

Doctors put so many things into Dan without looking at Phil.

They pushed needles into his skin, making Phil scream in protests.

One doctor kneeled in front of Phil, holding him.

He told Phil that it would help Dan. That it is needed.

And Phil felt so weak. So so weak.

He let his body fall against the guys body letting his body start to shake in aftershock of all that just happened.

And doctor hold him thing saying that it will be alright that Dan is strong and will get out of this.

And Phil believed him just because he knew that Dan was strong. Dan was a fighter.

Doctor looked Phil in the eyes, saying that he will give him something that will calm him down.

Phil didn't understand about what doctor was talking about.

Phil nooded and felt sharp ping in his arm.

He looked down to see needle in his arm.

O, doctor was giving him something calming.

Phil let him.

Phil was so tired and so scared.

He didn't see Dan. That made him sit up in panic.

"sh.. sh. Sh. He is here. We will take him to hospital." Doctor said, helping Phil stand up.

Phil saw how doctors put Dans lifeless body on that weird bed with wheels on it's legs. Phil put his hand out to Dans letting soft cry out.

"sh. He will be okay. " Doctor helped Phil to go near Dans body to an ambulance car.

He sat Phil down next to Dans head.

Phil bent down and brushed Dans hair out of his clothes eyes.

"It will be alright, Dan.. they will help you..." Phil put his head next to Dans and clothes his eyes with his hand in Dans hair.

He woke up from polite doctor waking him.

"Come. We're in a hospital." He led Phil inside the hospital, helping him a lot.

He talked with a nurse, still holding Phil.

Nurse nodded and ran for something.

Doctor guy sat Phil down in the soft armchair.

"I am Alex. Remember that. I will be back. I just need to put some papers together. Stay here. When something new will happen with your friend they will come and tell you. Okay?" Alex looked straight into Phils eyes.

Phil just nodded.

"Now close your eyes and try to sleep. I promise that nothing bad will happen while you take a little rest. I promise." Alex said, looking into Phils eyes.

And Phil believed him.

He closed his eyes.

Phil was so so tired.

Sleep took over him in seconds.

Phil woke up from someone putting hand on his sholder.

He opened his eyes expecting to see Dan waking him but insted he saw Alex.

All past moments rushed back to his head and Phil sit up stright.

"How is he? Is he alright? Is he alive?" Phil asked in sudden panic.

"Please calm down so i can led you to Daniel." Alex said in a firm tone, holding Phil in place.

Phil nodded and took couple deep breaths.

"Now lets go to see your friend." Alex helped Phil to stand up.

"How is he? What was wrong?" Phil asked.

"He is stable. But i can't say anything more about in how good state he is. He had drugs in his system he had took previous day." Alex said, leading Phil through hospital.

"Drugs? No no no. Dan don't use drugs." Phil said, shaking his head but previous days events come to his head comfirming him that it could be possible. It explain his sudden mood changes and his eye blackness.

Oh god, Dan had really used drugs.

What if that was because of Phil?"

"Don't blame yourself. He choose it, not you."

"But I feel so guilty about that... what if he had gotten worse?" Phil said with a little sob.

"But he didn't. It was not your fault. Please calm down, Phil. You need to be strong now. For Daniel."

"Okay.. Okay."

They went into the hospital room.

Dan was lying in the bed. He was snow pale with blue-ish lips.

He was connected to so many things. One of them told his heart beats.

Dan had a breathing mask on.

"How bad is he really ? " Phil asked in fear to hear the worst answers.

"He is stable. But he is in a coma. Poision was really strong. He must have buy some bad thing and put too much into him. And everything made worse that he had withdraws from the other drugs he have shot into his veins. But he is strong. Most peoples haven't get this far with condition like this. It is seen that he is fighting." Alex said.

"How big is the chance that he won't survive? That he will die?" Phil asked in a scared low tone no louder then a whisper.

"Big... Around 80 % chance that his body have too big damage and it will just stop working letting Dans brain to die..." Alex said, putting hand on Phil's shoulder to support him.

"But he may fight it all? And survive ? He can, can't he?" Phil asked, his hope fading.

"Of course he can. As i said before, he is a fighter. And he had already fight these 20 % off death. So i believe that he will fight these rest 80 % too." Alex said, looking down at calm Dans body.

Phil let out a broken sob.

Alex pulled him into a hug.

"I know how it is to lose your lover. But i believe that you won't lose him. Stay with him, talk with him. It can help. Study shows that peoples in coma hear when you are talking with them. So make him come back to you. Make him fight harder. And than maybe he will come back to you. " Alex said, keeping Phil in his hug.

Phil nodded and felt more calm.

Something about Alex calmed him down a bit.

Phil closed his eyes, letting his body calm down in Alex arms.

Than he sat back down and took Dans hand in his.

Dans hands were ice cold.

"Can you please bring him one more blanket? I think he is cold." Phil said in a pleading tone to Alex.

"Of course. I will be back in sec." Alex went out the doors.

Phil was left alone in the room where all sounds was making computers that told Dans state.

Phil looked down on Dans pale face.

Breathing mask ruined his perfect face but he was still very beautiful.

"Please come back to me , Dan. I need you. You are my family." Phil said into Dans ear in hope that Dan could actually hear all he say to him.

Alex came back into his room with a blanket and pillow.

"Pillow for you and blanket for Dan. I have to go but if you need anything, just call me. This is my number." Alex gave him his number wrote on small paper card.

"Thank you so much.."

"It's my job." Alex said and went away, closing the doors behing him.

Phil put a little card with Alex's number into his pocket and put extra blanket over Dans still body.

He put his pillow behind his back and sat there, watching Dan and holding his cold hand into his.

"I will wait for you to come back. Just please come back, Dan. Please." Phil whispered, kissing Dans forehead.

And Phil sat there with the little hope burning into his body.

He just couldn't give up on Dan. And he won't.

Phil sat there, waiting.

And he didn't care how long he needed to sit there because he promised Dan than he will be beside him when he will be ready to wake up.

But all Phil was left with was his hope.

Because no one believed that Dan would wake up.

They have given up on him.

That broke Phil.

And with every day he felt more and more empty.

And there Phil sat.

Empty.

With his hope burning out.

Holding lifeless Dans hand in his meaningless ones.

And Phil just felt so tired.

So tired of everything.

He closed his eyes, knowing that his hope had burned out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **Waking in different world.**

In these days while Phil had been in hospital, waiting for any news about Dan, he and Alex have gotten close. They would go to breakfast and lunch together.

Alex always knew how to cheer Phil up. He is like the little ray of sunshine in this nightmare.

And Phil started to really like Alex.

They had talked so much in these couple days. So now they felt like they knew each other for years, not just a couple days.

Alex was gay too. He worked in hospital as a doctor. Sometimes he drove on the ambulance. Like the day when he had met Phil in Dans risky situation.

Alex lives alone. His family lives outside London, in Liverpool.

Alex's the middle child. His father kicked him out for being gay.

He tries to keep in touch with his mother and little sister. But his older brother left him just like his father.

His family wanted him to be football player but he decide to be a doctor.

That made many arguments before he got kicked out of family house.

Alex felt really happy that he had met such an amazing man as Phil.

He felt so complete with Phil.

He loved to make Phil smile in this hard time. And he stood to his side no matter what.

Alex got to the hospital even when today was his day off. He went to Daniels room to meet Phil and take him to breakfasts.

Phil was asleep in the chair next to Dans bed. He always holds Dans hand so if Dan wakes up, he would feel it immediately. But today was different. Phil felt different. He had not touched Dans hand the whole day.

He just sat there watching him deep in his minds. He had lost his hope.

Alex was little surprised to see that Phil didn't hold Dans hand.

He went to Phil and gently woke him up.

Phil looked up at him and smile.

"Hey... " He stretched out and stood up to hug Alex.

"Good morning sleepy head. " Alex hugged Phil tightly to give him comfort.

"Lets go to breakfast." Phil said, taking his jacket.

"Yeah, only i think we will need to wait a couple minuets until the hospital kitchen open up." Alex said opening door for Phil.

" Lets go somewhere outside the hospital. I am too tired to sit here. – Phil said surprising Alex.

"Yeah, okay!" Alex said with a cheerful smile on his lips.

Phil felt so happy to breath in fresh air in his tired lungs. He closed his eyes for second, enjoying how sun and soft wind touch his pale face.

He felt little terror about leaving Dan alone in the hospital but Phil was too tired to sit any minute longer in that smelly hospital room next to a lifeless Dan who didn't even look like Dan anymore.

Phil felt angry about Dan. About that he had put drugs into his system. About making Phil worry so much. About leaving him here alone!

So Phil thought Fuck it all and just left to live a little.

He opened his eyes and smiled at Alex who was here next to Phil when he needed someone so much.

They hop into Alex's car and drove to city center to have actually tasty breakfasts which Phil have earned for being so patient with all this situation and crap.

Dan felt really tired. He felt like he was floating in water and couldn't get out of it.

Everything was dark.

He wanted to see a little light.

Where was his little sunshine?

Where was his Phil?

Dan sucked in a deep breath and opened his eyes to eyes blinding light.

He shut his eyes in pain and tried to blink till he saw that it wasn't the sun who tried to blind him. It was lamp.

Dan looked around in terror.

Where the hell is he?

He start to panic.

Phil was no where to seen.

Dan heard annoying beeping come next to him from computer telling his heartbeats that get faster and faster with every second.

Dan wanted to get away.

He wanted to get home.

Home to Phil.

Where is Phil?

Nurses rush in and tried to calm Dan down. They give him some medicine to calm him.

After around ten minutes Dan was finally calm and able to breath.

Doctor came in and check him.

Dan didn't understand why he was in a hospital.

Doctor told him that he have had poison from drugs he have put into his body. Pills. Dan had been in coma. For 4 days. But it had been good for his body because that made his body to heal faster and fight harder.

Coma Had been as protection reaction of his body who have been in pretty bad state after taking him to hospital.

But now all poison was gone and everything was good.

Dan needed to stay in the hospital for one more day so doctors can be sure and than he will be able to go home.

Dan was happy to hear that. He didn't want to stay in hospital.

He wanted to go home and be with Phil.

Kiss him and tell how much he love him and that he want to try and be together with him forever.

Dan got his phone and hit Phil's number.

He wait.

And wait.

But no answer come.

He felt little bad feeling about that but he put his phone down telling himself that Phil must be asleep because it was still early.

Dan didn't want to listen his inside voice telling that Phil isn't sleeping. That Phil has forget about him and is into another man arms.

Dan tried to shut that voice of and sleep for a little.

Because he felt so tired.

And he will need strength for his big talk with Phil.

After breakfast Phil asked Alex to drive to Phils apartment.

Phil wanted to change his clothes to ones that didn't smell like hospital, medicine and death.

They stepped inside Phil's flat and Phil shut doors behind them.

"Sorry for any mess." Phil said, a little shy.

"It's okay. You must see my apartment. It looks so much more messy than yours." Alex laughed out.

"I don't believe it. I bet yours don't even have any dust or something relate to them." Phil laughs taking off his shoes.

"No seriously. My flat is messy. If you don't believe it, i can take you there so you can see it your own eyes." Alex said laughing and taking off his shoes.

"Okay. Deal." Phil said getting up back straight.

He stumbled against his own legs and shoes and fall to front.

Alex was of front him so Phil knocked him down and land on top of Alex.

Their faces were only couple inches away from each other.

And Alex leaned closer and Phil let him.

Their lips met into a kiss that got deeper with every second.

Soon Phil slid his hands under Alex's shirt, wanting to take it off and Alex let him.

"Bedroom." Phil murmured pushing Alex the right way and undressing him completely.

Alex enjoyed every moment feeling Phils hands on his bare skin.

And he enjoyed undressing Phil.

They fall into bed already naked without stoping their deep hungry kisses.

It wasn't anything nice or sweet.

It wasn't making love.

It was simple, rough fucking.

And nothing more.

For Phil.

At least he thought that in the first moment after.

They lay next to each other catching their breath.

The room smelled awful so Phil got up and opened window and went to bathroom.

He felt dirty. But not because of sex with Alex. He felt dirty because of all hours he sit in hospital wasting his life away for the one who give nothing to Phil.

Phil stand under shower and let hot water wash away all memories.

And with every minute water run down he remember Dan.

Every laugh they had.

Every memory they had.

And Phil lost it all.

He let tears run down his cheeks together with hot water.

He shouldn't leave Dan alone in that fucking hospital.

He needed to get back there and say sorry to Dan.

Phil rushed out of shower and put first clothes he saw on. It end up being dressed up in Dans clothes. But he didn't give a fuck.

He step into bedroom to see fully dressed Alex with little smile on his lips.

And Phil felt guilty infront of him.

Alex has given so much to Phil in these days.

And what Phil give him back?

Rough fucking.

"Alex... I.." Phil tried to start but Alex stoped him by putting finger against his lips.

"Don't. I understand. You have Daniel. I have expirence being just replacement for short time. It's okay Phil. If you want, i can take you back to hospital."Alex said with sad smile on his lips.

"I'm sorry..."Phil manage to get out.

"It's okay. Lets go." Alex opened Phil every doors.

When they started driving Phil took his phone out and saw one missed Call.

 _From Dan._

"Oh god! Drive faster! He had woke up! I have missed call! He must be freaking out!" Phil started to panic.

"Phil, calm down. You need to stay calm or they wont let you near him." Alex said in his sexy doctor voice that distract Phil.

They stoped infront of hospital and Phil rushed to Dans room.

Right before Phil opened the door, Alex stoped him.

-I want to say thank you and that i would love to keep our friendship even after all this. – Alex said looking straight into Phils eyes.

"yeah. Okay. I would love that too. You are awesome friend, Alex." Phil said with little small on his lips and push the door knob.

Alex took his arm and Stopped him one more time.

Phil looked into his eyes.

Alex simply kiss him.

Sweet and slow.

And Phil answered to his kiss.

And He didn't know that doors was open enough for Dan to see it.

Dan sat there feeling how his heart break into millions sharp pieces.

Dan was broken over again.

He couldn't believe that this time it was because of the one he trust the most.

And it hurt more than if it would be any other who break Dan.

In that moment Dan wish that he would never wake up.

That his stupid body would never fight to cure itself.

That he would be dead.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4.**_

 _ **Faking.**_

When Phil steped into Dans hospital room Dan put fake smile on his lips.

-Phil! Hi. – Dan said in fake cheerful voice.

-Dan!-Phil come and stoped infront his hospital bed.

-I am so glad you finaly woke up. It was terrible seeing you like this. – Phil said sitting down streching his hand out to take Dans but Dan put his hands around himself in protective way.

-Yeah. Well tomorow i am going home so everything is alright. I see you got new boyfriend. A? Did you met him in club the day befour? Befour i pass out to koma or whatever?-Dan asked changing subject toward Phil and the man he have kissed right infront Dan.

-Boyfriend? You mean Alex? – Phil was little confused.

-Yes. That man you kissed right outside my hospital room door. You two look cute together. So how did you two met? And how long have you been dating?-Dan asked taking sip from his watter glass which nurse have put next to him.

-Alex isn't my boyfriend. We met when i called an ambulance about you. He is doctor. He err hepled me a lot these days. –Phil said little uncomfortable.

-a Doctor? Good catch.-Dan said putting glass down.

-Em... thanks...? i guess... Dan? That what happened befour you passed out... i wanted...- Phil started but Dan cut him off.

-What happened? I don't remember a damn thing. – Dan laughed out. – Last thing i remember was you going out to cub or something and i stayed home to edit new video.-

-What...? –Phil asked without believing his own hearing.

-Doctor said that it's amnesia or something. Nothing special. Can happen when you woke from koma or how that shit was called.-Dan said in cassual voice without letting to be seen how much he hurt himself telling these lies.

But Dan needed to protect Phil.

Phil have found perfect man. Dan didn't want to be the one who scerw it all for hisself happines.

Dan was used to be unhappy and broken. It was time to come back down from cloud nine. Back to reality. Dans reality.

-That... i... i will be back... –Phil got up and run out of Dans hospital room.

He wan't able to sit there seeing that all his life he have seen have fallen apart.

Phil end up in Alex open arms. In Alex comfort giving kisses and touch. Phil end up letting himself to forget about Dan simply fucking him out of his minds.

Alex was happy that Phil wanted him. And more than happy to fuck with Phil again.

Alex understand how much Phil needed him right now even if he was just fixer in a way to forgething.

Dan sit in his hospital bed all alone. He felt alone but he wasn't alone. All his old friends – demons come back one by one.

Dan wished for death that night.

But nothing was so simple. He needed to suffer more befour he could go stright into death.

Dan woke up really early waiting for nurses to come and let him go home.

He was happy to be outside hospital.

While he take a drive to home he log into his twitter to see all worried fans.

Dan didn't need reminder of what happened. He remember everything. And he wish he could actually have amnesia.

Dan hit little video button and record little video for fans letting them know that everything is fine. Well at least everything.

-Hey. I am sorry about last livestream. I had eaten something bad so yeah. Now i am back and new video is coming when i get home. And if you will be lucky enough than new livestream tonight. Bye.-

Dan put his phone down and looked up on his and Phils appartment windows.

He took couple deep breaths and went upstairs.

Phil said he will be back but he didn't come back the previos day.

But what ever. He must be into his loving boytoy arms.

Dan steped into silent apartment feeling happy that he is alone in it.

But right then from Phils bedroom come out Alex in nothing more than boxers.

-O,Daniel. You are home. Phil didn't say that you will be home today. I am Alex.- Alex strech out his hand to Dan right when Phil comed out of his bedroom in Dans boxers.

-Phil, you know that these are my boxers, right?-Dan said in little annoyed tone.

He didn't care if Phil wear his clothes. But he didn't like when he did that while together with Alex.

-And open the damn window or all flat smells of your sex.-Dan said now fully angry and went into his own bedroom slamming doors shut.

He hate these mood swings but he couldn't just watch them calmly doing nothing.

Dan sit into his bed and upload his video.

At least he will give fans what they waited for.

And little evil idea come to Dans mind.

 _Why couldn't he ruin the little bubble of happines for them?_

-Join me on livestream. We will talk about everything you want to know!-Dan tweeted with link to his livestream.

He casually sit there answering some innocent questions till someone asked where is Phil.

-Phil? Well he is having breakfasts right now. I could show you how happy he is right now. And he is not alone.-Dan stand up holding his computer infront of himself.

He went stright to kitchen where right in that moment Alex have standed up and hold his arms around Phils naked torso and kissed him.

-Nice show, guys. Only remember next time to put on some clothes because you don't live alone here.-Dan said turning around letting computer camera film Phil and Alex more till he was gone in his room.

-So yeah, guys. That's what Phil is doing these past days. Hope you enjoy this little show of him and hm what was his name? Alex if i am corect.-Dan sain in sartistic tone.

He read how everyone was blowed up by what they just saw.

-Okay, okay. Stop. I don't wanna hear any damn thing about them two.-Dan said in annoyed tone.

Little knock was heared against Dans bedroom doors.

Phil opened them.

-Can you just shut it down so we can talk?-He asked with his head poking out Dans bedroom doors.

-Okay.-Dan turned around.-So guilty Philly wants to talk. See ya later guys.-Dan ended his livestream.

Dan turned around and Phil steped into his bedroom.

-So about what do you wanna talk?-Dan asked little annoyed and tired.

-About what you just did. You can't do things like that,Daniel.-Phil said in little angry voice.

-Oh sorry miss innocent.-Dan snaped back.

-What the hell is going on with you?-Phil asked coming closer to Dan.

Dan stand up all angry.

-What is wrong with me? Don't you dare to start this shit over again. You know what is wrong and you know whay i did what i did. You know it all, Phil. So don't you dare to ask me what is wrong. Ask that to yourself. And now get the hell out of my bedroom. Go and please your horny boytoy.-Dan said in all sassy angry manier.

Phil was taken aback.

-You said you don't remember a damn thing about what happned.-Phil felt confused.

-I lied! People lie Phil! Get over it! It's life! –Dan said sitting down.

-Why did you do that?-Phil asked close to tears.

-Because look at you. You choose him over me. And i don't wanna be just simple replacement,Phil. Not any more. You are happy with him. I see it and i respect it.-Dan said without looking at Phil. He hold his own tears.

-You have never been replacement to me. You always have been my first choice. Why don't you understand it?-Phil said with tears in his eyes.

-Phil, please, don't make this harder than it already is.-Dan said turning around without control over his tears.

Phils heart start to break seeing how broken and sad Dan is right in front of him and because of him.

Phil get down in front of Dan and cup his face in his hands looking stright into his eyes.

-Dan... - He tried to start.

-Don't. Just don't. –Dan said griping Phils hands and pushing them away.

-Dan... – Phil cried out.

-No. Just no. –Dan shake his head with tears streaming down his cheeks.

-Please... –Phil begged him and tried to get hold of Dans arms.

\- I said NO! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM OR I WILL GET OUT! – Dan stand up looking down on Phil.

-Dan, please... we can sort this out. We can make it work. –Phil begged.

-Okay. You chose. I am going. – Dan walk past Phil without any emotions showing and simpy walked out the doors.

He heard Phil called behind him but he ignore it and just walk away.

Dan was so broken. He could feel sharp pices of himself cutting him more and more with every breath he take. With every heart beat he felt.

But he didn't show anything. He simply continue walking fighting his own inside battle.

Phil was left into Dans room all alone. He felt so sad. So hurt.

He didn't understand why Dan keep pushing him away.

He wanted to understand all Dans reasons.

That's why he got up and tried his best to hold himself together.

Phil waited Dan to come home.

In all these years he have learned that he need to give Dan a space to think.

But he didn't know what a big mistake he have done with doing so.

Dan sit in the park bench with shot in his hand. He looked down at it. It wasn't much. But it was enough for two dose.

Dan rool up his sleeve and push sharp needle into his vein. He look carefull to shot only half of it all. He didn't want to over dose. Well he wanted but not so much to actually do it now.

He watched how sun shine and all happy families played around in park while he was alone.

Dan stand up and walk around the park till drugs finaly kicked in.

Dan saw cinema and felt need to go there. He sit down and watch some catroon that just come out. Dan sit there laughing and crying. And he loved the story behind it.

After little cartoon it was already starting to get dark.

Dan smile at himself about little idea he got.

He went to club.

And for couple hours Dan forget all his problems. All he cared was the music playing and alcahol shots passing around.

He flirt with everyone who flirt with him.

Everything was so funny. And Dan thank the drugs and little bit of alcahol for it.

One boy took Dans hand after some flirting and led him to rest room.

He led Dan into one stall and closed the doors.

Dan smiled at the boy not knowing who he was.

The boy smiled back and kneeled down starting to unbutton Dans jeans.

Dan looked at him questioning.

But boy just smiled and slip Dans jeans and boxers down.

Dan still didn't understand what the boy was trying to do.

But right than the boy suck him into his mouth.

Pleasure explod in Dans body. It was what he needed. Hot mouth around his trobling dick. Simple relise from all stres he have had in past days.

It have been too long since last time Dan had an orgasm. So with this he was so tensed. He tried to hold his moans in. He griped the boys hair in his hand guiding him to the right places.

Dan let his head fall backward when orgasm hit him with hard waves of pleasure.

After that boy simply got up licking his lips and smiling.

Dan put his jeans back on and smile to the boy simply giving him little peck on cheek.

Dan went back to dancing floor with more energy than befour.

With that he understand what he need to put himself back in places.

Dan dance around looking for somene to katch his eyes.

And he got one.

It was girl with brown hair till sholder blades. With black jeans on and simple tank top. She looked so casual between all make up wores dancing around.

Girl katch Dans look and smile a bit.

Dan smile back and went to the girl. He led her to the back sitting down and simply starting to chat with her.

Noel was her name. Dan liked it. It sound cool.

And she was really funny and nice but sarcastic in the right places.

She was like Dans female version.

And Dan loved it.

He really started to like this girl.

-Do you wanna come to my place? – Dan asked with little smile on his lips.

\- You mean, like now? – She asked starting to smile.

\- Yes. – Dan said looking into bright brown eyes.

-Lets go. – Noel smiled and get up.

Dan felt so cheerfull that Noel wanted to go with him back to his flat.

He hold his arm around her waist while getting back home.

And the whole way to home they laugh about meening less things.

Dan opened doors for her without taking his eyes of her.

Dan led her through the flat to the bedroom.

-Can i, please, get a glass of water? – Noel asked looking like innocent baby angel.

\- Of course you can. Lets go to the kitchen. – Dan smiled and led her to the kitchen giving her a glass full of watter.

Dan drink glass of watter himself while watching Noel doing the same.

And when they put glasses away he take her close to himself and kissed her. Noel answered to the kiss imediatly pushing her hand into Dans hair. Dan get her up into his arms and without breaking the kiss he carried her to his bedroom falling into his bed with Dan on top of Noel.

She let Dan do everything he wanted. And Dan just need it all.

He lost himself in pleasure of sex togethe with drugs and alcahol.

After another orgasm he felt more hight than just from drugs.

Dan didn't open his eyes after they fall shut when orgasm hit him. He simply lay on his back enjoying how good he felt.

He felt happy to feel hot body presing against his side and wraping it's arms around him.

After so long Dan fall asleep with careless smile playing on his lips.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5.**

 **Nothing goes as planed.**

Phil woke up optimistic. He have had such good dreams. He remember even hearing Dan moan. It sounded so good. Phil wanted to hear that noise more and more. He thought how it would sound to hear Dan moan out Phils name.

 _Mmm_

Phil got hard with this thinking. He smiled just how little Dan need to do to make him hard like this.

Phil remember all the times when Dan have done something and Phil got hard so he need to put pillow between his legs or went to bathroom so Dan wouldn't notice that.

Phil laugh at himself and went into bathroom.

He wanted to take hot shower but it didn't come out so innocent.

In the end he was leaned against wall panting from orgasm he just had have and all thanks to Dan.

Phil smiled and wash himself and all trace of what just had happened.

He hop out of shower and put some casual clothes on.

Phil was happy. In good mood.

While strightening his hair he though how to suprise Dan.

 _I could make him breakfasts. Yeah, it will be good. No cerials today for breakfasts._

With that Phil went cooking Dan breakfast without knowing what have happened into Dans room that night and this morning.

Dan woke up with sun shining into his face. He groaned and rool over to other side of bed. He was shocked to bump into another body.

 _What the hell?_

Dan opened his eyes to see brown hair in front of him. Long brown hair.

Dan sit up stright accidently pulling blanket of sleeping body next to him. Naked body. Girls body.

 _What the fuck? What the actual fuck?_

Dan tried to remember what have happened yesterday and after minute he remember everything. He groned to himself waking up sleeping beauty next to him.

Her innocent brown eyes looked at him and small cheerful smile come alive on her pink lips.

-Good Morning. –She sit up pulling covers back around her.

-Morning... ?-Dan said not knowing what to do.

\- You don't remember my name, don't you? – She asked being really sad.

\- Noel. Your name is Noel. I remember everything. Don't worry. – Dan said looking stright in Noel eyes.

-That's good. –She said in cheerfull voice.-Can we go to shower, please?-

\- Em, yeah. Of course. Only i warn you that i don't live alone. I have room mate. Phil. – Dan said in rush getting out of bed and pulling pants on.

-I know. You mention that yesterday. Will you shower together with me? – She asked taking her clothes.

\- Yeah, sure. Why not? – Dan shruged.

He had no clue how that showering would end. And how polite he need to be or what he ned to do.

They went to shower without Phil noticing.

And Dan gotta say that it was one qick shower. 10 minutes maximum.

They both dressed up and Dan looked down at strightener.

-Leave your hair curly. They look really cute like this. – Noel said brushing her hand throught Dans hair.

-Okay. Can you please wait me here? I will use restroom really qick. –Dan said slipping away.

He pushed his sleeve up pushing needle in. He closed his eyes feeling how drugs slip throught all his body.

 _Oh, how he loved this feeling._

He didn't put shot into trash can where Phil could find it. he wasn't that stupid.

-So lets go. –Dan said leding Noel to the kitchen.

Phil have just finished cooking and putting everything on the table. He turned around to go and wake up Dan. He stoped seeing brown haired girl steping into kitchen and right after her Dan following. Phil was really confused.

-This is Phil. My room mate. Phil, this is Noel. My friend. –Dan said putting hand on Noels lower back.

\- Hello. –Noel said politly putting her hand out for Phil to shake.

-Hello? –Phil shake her hand still being confused.

-O i see Phil have cooked us breakfasts. Lets eat. –Dan sit down starting to drink his own coffee.

Noel sit down next to him leaving Phil to sit infront of them.

-So... how did you two met? – Phil asked sipping his coffee.

\- Last night in the club. After hours of talking Dan invited me to come over. And yeah. – Noel started to blush and it looked so cute.

\- aww you look so cute when you are blushing. –Dan said with small happy laugh looking stright at Noel and putting her hair behind her ear.

\- Than you. –She wisper still blushing.

Dan took her face in his hands and simply kiss her right there in front of Phil forgeting him for that sweet innocet moment.

Noel smiled brushing her hand through Dan hair and started to eat. Dan following her steps.

Phil sit there all shocked.

 _What just happened in front of his eyes? Are he still dreaming? Or did he put his contacts in wrong?_

-Phil? Are you okay? – Dan asked little worried about how pale Phil have gotten after Dan have kissed Noel.

-M... em... I... –Phil didn't know what to say.

\- Phil, you are scaring me. You are really pale. More than daily pale. –Dan got up to get Phil water.

He give him the watter and put his hand on Phil sholder. Phil looked at him with tearfull eyes. And it broke Dans heart. He wanted to bent down and kiss him telling that everything will be alright and that all this was just a mistake. But that's not how it all happened in real life. Things like that can happen only on movies or plain romantic books. Dan wanted, Dan needed the truth. Not lies. Not acting. He wanted truth. No matter what.

-Phil, i think you should lay down. Come i will help you to get to bed. –Dan said helping Phil to stand up. – Sorry. – Dan wisper to Noel.

Phil leaned against Dan feeling his body heat. He wanted to screem and cry. When Dan kissed that girl, Noel, Phil felt like breaking.

Dan looked so happy and innocent with her. His eyes light up seeing her blush and his dimples come out when he laugh. And little spark in his eys. Dan was trully happy.

Phil needed to give him that. Little happines. Dan have deserved it. so Phil backed away.

Dan lay Phil down into his bed pulling blanket over him. Dan was really worried about Phil.

-Do i need to get you something? Do you want something? – Dan asked in worried tone.

\- Just give me my phone. I want to text Alex to come over and be with me. – Phil started crying in front of Dan with Dans hand still on his sholders.

That little sentence burned Dan like a fire. He was back up standing. Dan push Phil phone toward Phil and stamp out of his room slaming the door.

He took couple deep breaths standing next to Phils bedroom door.

He felt like crying but thanks for years practise that he knew how to hold his tears in no matter how hard he wanted to slid down against wall and cry his eyes out.

He went back to kitchen where he have left Noel.

-Are he okay? Maybe i should go? – Noel was nervous about what have happened.

\- No, no. Stay. Please. He is perfectly fine. His boyfriend will be here soon. He is doctor. So we don't need to worry. He will be in good hands. Now eat. After that we can watch some movie or something. Don't know haven't been on too many dates. – Dan sit down starting to eat again.

\- Did you just asked me on date in some weird way? – She said laughing making Dan smile.

\- I think so, yeah. – He said starting to laugh.

\- Okay. I am more than happy to accept it. – Noel said in cheerful voice giving little innocent but so bright and beautiful smile that made Dans stomach feel weird for second.

\- So what do you want to do now? – Dan asked puttng all plates down into the sink.

\- Well, you mention that you are a youtuber. So i thought, you could show me how it all works and so... maybe... if you want... – She said playing with her fingers.

\- Of course is can. Come. – Dan took her hand in his and led her to his bedroom shuting doors behind them so he wouldn't need to see Alex going into Phils room whenever he will come here.

\- So bisicly it all looks like this. Couple of lighting sticks and camera in the front. Sometimes we use phones or laptop cameras for closer shoots. But yeah, nothing special really. – Dan said sitting down on his office chair next to his desk.

\- Looks cool. Do you make only videos or something more? – Noel asked walking around all qipment Dan had for filming.

\- Emm... I trie to do regular live shows too. Veiwers, or as many call them, fans love them so i keep doing them to make them happy. Livestreams could contain much of fun in them. – Dan said smiling and watching Noel walking around his room.

\- Interesting. – Noel said turning to look at Dan and smiled at him.

\- Would you like to try to make a live show together with me? – Dan asked pulling Noel into his lap putting his arms around her waist.

\- You mean like right now? – Noel put her arms around Dans neck looking into his eyes.

\- Yes. Why not? – Dan said with little smirk playing on his lips.

\- Okay. Why not? – Noel leaned down and give Dan soft, innocent kiss.

Dan liked the way her soft lips brushed against his own. He kissed her back with smirk still on his lips.

Noel took Dans lower lip between her teeths and pulled it softly asking for premision for entry. Dan pushed his tonage into her mauth letting their tunages dance together and explore each other mauths.

When they pulled away from each other they were panting. And smiling like idiots who have just make out.

-So lets make that livestream! – Dan said clapping his hands.

\- Okay. – Noel said laughing while getting up.

Dan opened his computer and log into his social profiles making everything ready for his livestream.

-What if i sit into bed and start it, than after starting it i introduce you and you come next to me in bed? – Dan said looking at Noel who watch Dan with interested look in her eyes.

\- Sound perfect. – It was heard that she was really exited about this happening right now.

Dan stand up and made his way to the bed with his laptop in his hands. He find the most comfortable pose and give Noel little smile than hit the start button and giving everyone in twitter link to his livestream.

Dan started his live show as always. Nothing special. Only after couple seconds he kept looking at Noel standing infront of bed smiling at Dan.

-Todays livestream is little special. Because i have special guest today who will join me right now.- Dan said with little nod to Noel to come next to Dan.

Noel hop into bed with innocent smile on her lips.

-This is Noel! – Dan said while looking in Noels eyes with loving smile on his lips.

\- Hi everyone. – Noel said waving her hand infront of herself and Dan.

Dan was happy to ready nice coments about Noel. He smiled and chat with fans pulling Noel into almost all talks.

Noel was really open to this. She made Dans mood even better and better. They really enjoyed this livestream together without seeing how fast time have past.

 _How did you two met? –_ ask many peoples on chat.

-They want to know how we met. – Dan said with cheerful laught.

\- So lets tell them. – Noel said with little evil smirk playing on her lips.

And Dan loved that smirk. It made Noel eyes spark with little misterious flame and made Dan to smirk too with his stomach turning hot.

Dan cupped her cheeks into his hands and pulled her into hard, hot kiss forgeting about camera right infront of them and about all fans and Phan shippers on the other side of his livestream screen.

Noel was little suprised but pleased about Dans action. She answered the kiss putting her hand into his brown soft culrs and pulling them just little making Dan breath out soft needy moan.

That was last drop for Dan. He shut his laptop and pushed it down to floor deepining his kiss with Noel.

Noel answered laying down and pulling Dan on top of her without breaking the kiss and hold of his hair.

Dan start to dizz of from just a heated up kiss. And all his body wanted more knowing what sweet relise will give and do to him.

Dan shut his brain completly off and let his hormons and mans nature to do its work.

Noel was happy to have such amazing guy like Dan so she let him do whatever he wanted with her. And she enjoyed every little moment with Dan. Making Dan enjoy every plesurable moment with her.

When Dan was close imagine of Phil laying under him comed into his mind. And looking down Dan saw Phils blue eyes full of plesure and need for more and of course love.

Dan smiled seeing that. He trust only couple more times and come with load moan breaking throught his lips.

He didn't moan Phils name out aloud. He moaned it into his head. He screamed it into his head with plesure waves washing over his body.

He leaned down and kiss soft bruised lips with his still cold ones in sloppy way. But he didn't care. He have gotten what he wanted.

Dan lay down next to hot body and kept his eyes shut with pleasurable smile playing on his cold lips.

He felt so good. And he loved to feel this good. So he kept holding his eyes shut enjoying the sweet moment without noticing that he have started to drift into sleep still seeing Phils bright blue eyes watching him full of love.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6.**

 **Hurt.**

Phil sit in his bed griping pillow in his hands with tears in his eyes. He have just end the call with Alex asking him to come over. Phil needed someone to hold him.

Loud moons was heared throught the wall that seperate Phils and Dans room.

Hearing Dan moan out loud made Phils stomach to turn around and tears come out. He hold in sobs that wanted to come out. He put pillow against his face and sob into it.

Soon everything went silent.

Phil removed pillow from his ears listening to hear anything. He heared nothing.

Little ping sound come from his phone telling him that new message have just come in.

He look at it. It was message from Alex.

 _Going up to you. Be inside in min. Got ice-cream for ya. X._

Phil sit up relived that he won't be alone anymore. That Alex will hold him and comfort him.

Phil have been watching Dans livestream. Crying while watching.

Dan looked happy together with Noel. Like really happy. And it hurt so much. Phil didn't think that it will hurt so much. But he was the one who started this.

 _Why the hell i needed to bring that dick home?_

Phil didn't know the answer to that. He was just stupid.

Phil steped outside his room right when Noel steped outside Dans room.

Noel hold blanket around her naked body and her hair was a mess. She hold her clothes in one hand and blanket around her in other one. She looked so pleased.

Phil stand there freez in place. He couldn't move or look away.

-Em.. I am going into shower befour leaving. – She said to Phil going to bathroom.

Phil looked after her closing the door behind her.

Phil without thinking went into Dans room. He stoped next to bed looking down on Dan.

Dan looked more pale than normaly with big black cirkles under his eyes.

He had big bruised on his inside elbow and little scrach under it.

He lay there falling into sleep with his lips parted in small smile. He looked so calm.

Phils eyes travel around Dans body and only than it hit Phil that Dan was naked.

Phil got blanket and put it on Dan so he won't be too cold. Phil was carefull so he won't wake Dan. It would be weird to explain why Phil was here putting blanket over Dans naked body right after Dan have had sex with girl who is in shower right now. Too weird.

Phil looked at Dan for one little moment. Dans smile turned into frown of pain and one hand griped blanket. His forhead start to get wet. That little scared Phil. He didn't wake Dan up or something. Phil simply opened window for fresh air. Fresh air almost always help. He give Dan one last glance befour leaving his room leaving doors in crack open.

Right than Alex steped inside with shoping bag in his hand.

-Hi! I bring ice cream for us. And some more snaks. – Alex said pulling his shoose and jacket off.

\- Thank you. I'm glad you come. – Phil said pulling Alex into hug.

Phil closed his eyes feeling Alex arms around him tightening. He tried to stop tears coming out of his eyes but they were stronger.

-Shhh... i'm here. I hold you. Calm down. It's alright. – Alex said in soothing voice keeping Phil in his tight hug.

Phil let it all out never letting go of Alex. He felt safe in Alex hands. And it was so wrong. It should be Dan in who arms he felt safe and can cry his eye out. Not some random guy from hospital.

Bathroom doors opening made Phil tilt his head. There she stand. All beautiful and fresh. Noel. Fully clothed now. With her hair put together in pony tail behind.

-Don't seem distracted. I will just put my jacket on and leave. – She said sitting down.

\- You are leaving? Did you told Dan that? – Phil let go of Alex turning to fully look at Noel infront of him.

\- No. He passed out right after he lay next to me. For fucking second time he pass out right away. – She said standing up and giving smile to Alex behind Phil.

\- Well, i bet he will feel sad that you left without telling him or leaving any note or something. – Phil said without knowing why.

\- Calm down. I will text him. You act like his father or something. – Noel sneered.

\- I am not. I act like friend should act when some slut give false hopes to his best friend about simple sex. – Phil snapped back.

Alex griped his sholder without letting Phil move.

-Whatever. I'm leaving. – Noel steped out the apartmen closing door gently behind her.

Alex didn't take his look away from where she just left. He was deep in his mind. Something looked so off with him right now. With all looking behind her.

And Phil didn't know that Alex have watch Noel all time she steped infront of them. And didn't know what that made Alex to feel.

-Stupid slut leave Dan without blanket. – Phil murmured putting blanket into washing machine for Dan to have fresh washed blanket to sleep with.

\- Don't call her a slut. You don't know her story.- Alex said watching Phils ass in the air.

\- Whatever. So where is that ice cream? I feel like i could eat it all out by my self.- Phil start the washing machine and turned to look at Alex.

\- In my shoping bag. Do we go to your bedroom or living room?- Alex asked putting up shoping bag.

\- Living room. Let's watch tv and eat ice cream. Simple as that.- Phil said going to living room.

\- oh... – Alex let out little dissapointed.

Alex couldn't mask his dissapoint for that. He really wanted that they will go to Phils bedroom where noone would disturb them and that Phil would have sex with Alex over again. Alex wasn't selfish. Phil just got amazing ass and Alex wanted to try how it would feel to be a top in sex with Phil. And he bet it will be amazing.

Phil act like he didn't hear how dissapointed Alex sounded when he choose living room. Whatever. Phil couldn't think about sex right now. He was worried about Dan.

They sat down and watch tv eating ice cream and chating about all that comed in their heads. They laughed their asses off about simple things and made all worries dissapear.

Suddenly sharp pain moan from Dan made Phils blood to run cold. He jump up and rushed to Dans room pushind door wide open.

Dan was laying on the flood griping his flat stomach. His hair was wet and he looked greyish. Phil rushed next to him pulling him into his arms.

-Dan. What happened? Did you hurt anything?- Phil looked in Dans black dialed eyes with worry.

\- Wanna trow up... – Dan murmured out trying to stand up but failed.

Phil helped him got up and led him to bathroom just in time for Dan to kneel down and trow up.

-Oh, Dan. Did you eat something wrong? – Phil poored glass of watter and kneeled down next to Dan putting hand on his back drawing soothing cirkles.

Dan shaked his head when second wave come.

Alex stand on the bathroom entry watching them.

-Can i help somehow? – He asked little worried.

He hated that Phil have choose such a junkie friend and is in love with him. Daniel just hurt Phil. And Phil looked like he didn't even know that these was how drugs come out.

-Can you please give us blanket? Dan is ice cold. – Phil was really worried giving Dan glass of watter to wash his mouth from trowing up.

Dan take a sip and split it out leaning against Phil. His eyes meet Phils blue one. And he didn't feel no more pain.

-Your eyes are so beautiful. So deep and blue. I love looking into them so much. – Dan murmured with smile on his lips.

-I think you have fever. You start to talk weirdly. – Phil smiled pushing Dans hair out of his eyes.

-Nah. Just little hight. That's all. Stupid withdraws make me trow up. – Dan said so casually without noticing what he have just told Phil.

\- What...? hight? From what...? – Phil was so confused over again.

\- He is junkie, Phil. – Alex said giving Phil a blanket.

\- What?! No! Dan don't do drugs! I already told you that befour, Alex. How could you say that? – Phil felt little angry about what Alex have called Dan.

Dan start laughing histerical pulling blanket around him.

 _It was just so fucking funny._

-Oh Philly. – Dan looked close in his eyes leaning close to his face almost toching it with his. – I do drugs. I have done drugs. And now i am full of drugs. They just start to run out of me. So i will go to my room and pull some more in me. – Dan shake his head laughing and standing up.

\- But... – Phil sit there looking at Dan in confusion. – When...? –

\- Befour i met you. Right after i met you. And than i stoped for you. But yeah, i choose to start again. So i did. And know what? It feels amazing. – Dan said with loud laugh and went to his room closing and locking the doors leaving Phil all confused.

\- I... I didn't know that... –He looked at Alex.

\- I told you he is junkie. You should have listen to me. – Alex shake his head helping Phil get up.

\- Than i need to stop him. I won't let him kill himself. – Phil said rushing to Dans room but Alex grip him tight.

\- That is his choise, Phil. You can't make him do what he don't want to do.- Alex looked deep in Phils eyes.

\- And what should i do? Just let him do them and kill himself slowly? – Phil asked close to tears.

\- If he really like that Noel than he will stop for her. He started it over again because of you Phil. Do you really think, if you are the reason for him doing drugs, that he will stop them because of you? No. It don't happen in real life Phil. He is grow up men. Let him do whatever he want. Stop babysiting him. Let him understand it all by himself. That will be better than when you will just make him do it all.- Alex said in strict doctor voice making Phil think hard.

\- o..okay... –Phil nod.

\- good.- Alex let his arm free from his grip.- lets go and continue that show we started to watch.-

\- Yeah, sure. – Phil said being little off.

It all was so much info for him. But he wanted to make the right choice for himself and Dan as well. Because he cared about Dan so much. And he just wanted Dan to be happy.

After couple more hours Alex left because he have work tomorow. Phil felt little sad and relived that Alex have choose to go home not to stay. Sex wasn't option for Phil right now. Phil couldn't stop thinking about what Alex have had said earlier that day.

 _-I have little vacation startng Saturday. I will drive to Wales. And I want you to came with me. I want to stay my vacation together with you. And that would be a good chance to get away from all this and clear your head and choose the right descisions. But of course you can say no. I will understand that. – Alex said without looking at Phil, he concentrate his look on the tv show they were watching._

 _\- Wales? Wow... em... can i... i think about this for a little? Please? – Phil was looking hopefully on Alex._

 _\- Yes, of course. Give a text tomorow. I will leave around 10 pm. So yeah.- Alex said with smile on his lips._

Phil didn't know what to do. Should he leave with Alex? Leave Dan? Alone? But Dan wasn't alone. He have Noel. He have his drugs. He doesn't need Phil anymore. And that break Phils heart. But that's life. And Phil could do nothing about it.

-Philllly! – Dan sing song runing to Phil. – Lets make a video! Dancing video!- Dan looked so exited and so happy, his pupils dialed black without leaving room for beautiful brown collor.

\- Yes, okay. – Phil said with sad smile and went with Dan.

They played again and again. Making sure that video will come out perfect. While filming there was much of laughing and fun. Just like they used to be befour all this happened.

-That will be amazing video! – Dan said laying on sofa laughing.

\- Yes, it will! – Phil said smiling and watching how happy Dan looked.

\- Lets post it! I wanna know what fans willl think about it! – Dan said taking his computer.

\- Without editing? – Phil sit up.

\- Yeah. Gaming video don't need editing. It was good. Lets post it. – and with that Dan post it without waiting for Phil to protest.

\- Dan, I don't think that was right... – Phil tried to say but Dan didn't listen.

\- See, they like it. stop it. – Dan said looking throught coments.

Phil just sit there watching how careless Dan was and how much it didn't look like his Dan he knew. But times change and peoples with it.

-Wanna make a little livestream? – Dan suddenly asked.

Phil didn't get a chance to answer when Dan was turning on the camera.

-Hey everyone! Night livestream with Dan and PHILLLLY! – Dan sing song and than laughed.

\- Hi... – Phil said little sad.

He didn't want to do livestream right now. He didn't want to fake happines when he was fighting a batle inside himself. But Dan have other plans for him. And Phil couldn't say no to Dan. Not now not ever. And that sucked.

-Why Phil looks so sad? – Dan read aloud. – Well, it must be that i won playing that dancing game. And that I have got sexy girlfriend but his sextoy isn't as sexy as her. – Dan laughed about his joke making Phil look at him with complite shock and tears in his eyes.

\- Dan, you can't just go around saying shits about my life. – Phil said with tear streaming down his left cheek.

\- Calm down pussy. – Dan said laughing without noticing that it made Phil start to cry fully.

Phil just jump up from sofa and go into his room slaming door behind him.

 _How the hell he dare to talk shits like that in livestream? Didn't he care how it made Phil feel?_

He just walk over Phils heart like that. And it hurt. Phil wanted it to stop hurting this much. He wanted to feel nothing toward Dan. He wished he have never met Dan.

Phil took his phone. He didn't care that it was 6 am. He dialed Alex number.

-Hello?- Alex answered after little while.

\- When we leave? – Phil asked right away without any greeting.

\- To Wales?- Alex asked little sleepy.

\- Yes. When i need to be ready? – Phil asked.

\- Em, i can pick you up around 8 pm right after i finish working? Will it be okay with you? – Alex asked now fully awake.

\- Yes. I will be ready. I can't wait when we will leave. – Phil said without feelings.

\- Okay. If I will get off work earlier, i will give you a call. – Alex said smiling, he was so happy that Phil have choose to come with him to Walse, far away from Daniel.

\- Can't wait. – Phil hung up and started to pack his stuffs.

When Dan woke up all flat was silent. He went for a drink and he didn't saw Phil anywhere.

-Phil? – Dan called out aloud.

No answer. Dan called more couple times but still no answer. He walk around all flat but Phil was nowhere. And his clothes was gone?

-Wtf?- Dan asked taking his phone, he dialed Phils number.

\- Hallo? – Phil answered immediatly with music blasting around him.

\- Where the fuck are you? Are where is your stuffs? – Dan asked little worried but more than that angry.

\- Well, first of all it isn't your bussines where i am. And senod i am going to vacation with Alex so i won't be home for couple weeks. But you probably don't even care about it. so don't bother trying to call me. Maybe only when you stop being junkie you are right now.- Phil said in angry tone and hung up.

Dan was left looking in shock to his phone.

-What...? – He felt his whole world shadering to little pices.

Phil was gone. He left Dan. Alone. And called him junkie. Theses little words from Phil hurt more than all the hate in the whole internet toward Dan. He couldn't lose Phil. Not to that fucking Alex. Dan needed a plan how to get Phil back. And Fast. Befour Phil fall in love with that dickhead angel doctor who probably wanted to just fuck Phil bc of how sexy Phil was.

And Dan has a plan. And it started right now. He fighted off withdraws letting all drugs slip out of his body. He wanted to be fully clear when Phil will come back. _If. If Phil will come back._ But Dan need to try.

So that was what he did. He tried to do his best no matter how bad he felt and no matter how close to death he was. He kept trying. Trying for Phil without knowing if it will even know. Because he didn't know how close Phil got to Alex with every day he spend with him in Walse slowly forgetting Dan and all they have been.

Bulding new life with Alex. Without knowing how close to death his best friend and lover was back home laying on cold title floor praying for Phil to come and save him form darkness that had come to eat him alive.

And with single prayer screemed out for Phil, Dan closed his eyes giving up it all. With cold last tears sliping down his white cheeks and heart giving last beat screeming for Phil.

 _PHIL_

 _Phil_

 _Phil..._

 _Phil..._


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7.**

 **Everything is different.**

Phil have been gone for little bit more than month. He have had amazing time together with Alex in Wales. They have gotten coser. More better friends. And Phil couldn't reist to remember all wonderful sex they have had there. They didn't count as couple. More like friends with benefits. Something like that could describe them better than saying that they we're couple.

Phil arived home in afternoon. He put down his bags looking around the flat. It was little messy and Dan wasn't home. It look like Dan haven't been here for more than couple days. That made Phil worry a bit but he shake it off. Dan must be with Noel.

Phil sit down and open his computer. He have post couple photos and little videos but haven't done anything else in internet all this time in Wales.

His twitter notifications was full of questions about how is Dan. That was weird. A little.

Phil open Dans profile and read couple last tweets. His blood went cold. All these tweets was like suicide letter. And all these feels was so real in every tweet. Last tweet set tears flying down Phils cheeks.

 _I shut my eyes hearing my heart making last silet screems fo you befour it stop working at all._

Phil felt teror waking in him. That tweet have been post befour whole month. And Phil haven't been here to stop Dan. To Save Dan!

Phil push tears off his cheeks and with trembling fingers hit Dans number.

Voice in the phone automacaly said that mobile device is turned off.

Phil tried again and again. He was in real panic. Dans never let his phone died. He always charge it in time.

Phil search all Dans profiles to see maybe somewhere he have been on after that terrible tweet. Nothing. Nothing after that.

Phil opened Dans youtube profile and see one video posted around week after Phil have left him. Couple hours befour that terrible tweet.

In the video Dan sit on the floor in dim lighted room. He looked terible. Big black cirkles under his eyes and messy hair. His eyes was puff and red from crying. He looked smaler. Like he have lost some of his weight. Dans hands were trembling teribly.

- _so as you all know, Phil have left to go to Wales together with Alex. I wanted to talk to you all guys. For this one last time. I know i look shity. And i feel the same. I miss Phil. Even when i shouldn't. This week made me understand some things in life. And the most important thing of them all was, spend how much time you can with these who you love and with your friends because one day they can be gone without coming back. And you can't know when this day will come. It come suddenly and hit harder than karma. So now all i have left is memories and guilt. I want to say sorry for all of you. I want to say sorry for Phil. Phil, I am sorry for everything i did wrong, for every choice i made wrong. I am sorry.-_ Dan was crying and he didn't even mask his tears. He let everyone see the real him.

- _I tried. I tried really hard all this week. But i understand that you hate me and don't want nothing to do with me anymore. I understand it. and i accept it. But i can't do this anymore. I'm just not strong enough. I make this video to say thank you everyone. And Good bye.-_ Tears streem down Dans cheeks when his trembling hands closed the computer lid ending the video.

And everyones eyes katch little red marks on Dans arms. Saying that this wasn't some kind of sick joke but reality and that Dan have said the truth.

Phil was shaking and crying.

 _That couldn't be true._

 _No no no no no. Not his Dan. No... No... Dan couldn't just kill himself... no..._

Phil was in panic. He didn't know what to do. He just sit there crying and murmuring that it isn't the truth.

Finaly Phil got up and take his phone searching through his numbers. Finaly his fingers stoped infront of Dans family number. He hit it without thinking.

Every second he waited seems like hours for him when phone was finaly picked up.

-Hallo?- said the voice.

\- Where is Dan? Is he alive? –Phil was in panic and really close to tears.

\- Phil? – voice was little suprised.

\- Yes! Please! Please say me where is Dan and if he is okay! Please! – Phil was on the breaking point.

\- Phil... darling... i am sorry... – Voice sound really sorry.

\- No... no... he can't be dead... not Dan... – Phil start crying.

\- he isn't dead. He is in rehab. Are you okay, Phil? – voice asked.

-Rehab?! Send me an adress now!- Phil hung up waiting histericaly for adres to come.

 _Rehab... for Dan?_

Well, it was much better than dead.

Finaly sms come with the adress in it. Phil read it and rush out the doors. He need to get there. He need to see his Dan. To say him that he was sorry and that he love him. He needed to see that Dan was okay and alive. He wanted to pull him in his arms and feel him against his body.

After more than hour long ride Phil finaly stood outside mental health hospital. He took couple deep breaths and step into it. he went to front desk.

-Can i help you? – old lady asked him when he stoped infront of it.

\- Yes, please. I want to see Dan Howell. Daniel Howell.- Phil said bitting his lip.

\- only family. – lady said with appolegetic look.

\- i am his boyfriend so i count as family. – Phil said in strong voice.

\- oh. Sorry. Come with me. – lady stand up leading Phil throught coridors. – noone have come to see Dan since he is here. –

\- em.. i was away... i just found out... – Phil said in guilty voice.

\- I see.- Lady stoped infront white doors. – please wait here.- she went inside.

After minute she come out letting Phil go in.

Dan was laying in bed. His eys closed. His hair messy as fuck. His arms wraped in bandages. He was wearing some hospital clothes without anything that you could use to hurt yourself or others.

Phil stoped next to his bed and looked down at him holding his breath. Dan looked dead.

Suddenly Dan opened his eyes. His beautiful brown eyes. Only with little shine in them. His eyes stoped meeting with Phils cristal blue teary eyes. Sudenly tears start to rise in Dans eyes. He slowly push himself up in sitting position without leaving Phils eyes.

-Dan... – Phil let out more like sobe and sit down opening his arms for Dan.

But Dan just sit there with tears in his eys. Finaly after moment he shook his head no.

-why...? – Phils let his arms rest in his lap.

\- i already heared everything you think about me. – Dan said with tear sliping down his cheek.

\- Dan i didn't mean to call you junkie. It just come out. I am sorry. – Phils tried to take Dans hand but Dan back up even more.

\- that message you send me when i tried to call you and say that i am clear for you killed me. Every word there killed me. Every word there draw a line on my arms! And i couldn't stop reading it. why you didn't say it earlier that you hate me that much? Befour i fall so deep in love with you?- Dan cried hugging himself. – I don't even whant to be alive anymore. I want to die but they don't let me.-

-Dan, what message? I haven't send you any message. Dan, baby, i don't hate you.- Phil put his hands on Dans cheeks forcing him to look in his eyes.

\- But... you send it... after i called you... and every time i tried to call you let Alex answer and say me to fuck off that you don't want to hear anything about me... why... – Dan cried.

\- What...? I didn't even know you have called me. And i didn't say any damn message. Dan, you need to believe me. I would never say that i hate you. – Phil said crying himself.

\- But that message come from your phone... – Dan said in weak voice.

And than it hit Phil.

-My phone and computer almost all the time was with Alex. He must send it. That jerk! – Phil start to get really angry.

He took out his phone and hit Alex number.

-Hi,Phil.- Alex said in cheerful voice.

-We need to talk. Meet me at mine at 6. – Phil hung up putting his phone down.

He couldn't believe that Alex have done that to Dan. He was boiling in anger.

Dans cold hands took hold of Phils making Phil to sit down and look at Dan.

-You really didn't send them? And didn't know about my calls? – Dan asked little afraid.

\- of course not. Dan, baby... – Phil pulled Dan into his lap and hug.

\- i am so sorry... – Dan start to sob putting his shaky arms around Phil.

\- Sh... calm down. Everything will be okay. I am here now. I am with you. We will get throught this together. As always. – Phil said putting little kiss on top of Dans head.

Dan nod and snuggle even closer to Phil. Phil hold him in his arms calming him down.

Nurse come in the room without knocking.

-Sorry, but you have to leave now. – she said.

\- oh...- Phil looked down at Dan. – I will come tomorow, okay.-

Dan nood sitting back down. He looked how Phil went away.

Dan felt little hope in him. He felt darkness going away for a bit. Phil was his sunshine.

And finaly after such a long time Dan actually sleep without nightmares.

When Phil got home he didn't need long. After minute Alex was there.

-Hi,babe. – He smiled at Phil and kiss his cheek gently with love.

\- Don't you dare to babe me! How could you do that to Dan?! To me!? What the hell you were thinking? – Phil screemed in Alex face boiling in anger.

\- What the fuck are you talking about? – Alex asked little annoyed.

\- The fucking message you send Dan from my phone and calls where you said him to fuck off! Do you have any idea what that did to him?! – Phil was furious.

\- No, and i don't give a fuck! He deserve every damn thing about it! – Alex start to get really angry too matching Phil.

\- Shut the fuck up! He don't deserve that! He didn't do anything that wrong to be punish as this! – Phil argue back.

\- Oh, he didn't? Are you sure? He fucked around with Noel! And than simply as that dumped her! Facked her couple times and made her think he is in love with her and than stamp over her heart! He fucking deserve everything! And he should be punish even more! – Alex grip his hands into fists.

\- Wtf? Why the hell you care about that slut? She is stupid to think that after one night stand she will get love of her life! – Phil said.

With that Alex jumped to Phil and pushed him roughtly against the wall pinning him to it.

-Don't you ever call her a slut ever again! She is my little sister! – Alex spat into Phils face still griping him tight.

\- What...? she is your what? – Phil asked in shock.

\- Don't you play dumb! I couldn't let Daniel walk off simply as that. He needed to pay for what he did to my sister. And now he did. And i hope that he will pay even more. – Alex screemed in Phils face.

\- No he don't! – Phil said pushing Alex off him and against other wall and slaped Alex hard.

Alex looked at him with burning eyes and push him against wall with strong grip on his neck. They looked into each other burning eyes for couple seconds. Their lips met in messy kiss and Alex grip get lose from Phils neck.

He pushed Phil more against wall pinning him still with his body and never leaving each other lips they rip off each other clothes.

They fight for dominace for a while till Alex give up and let Phil have it cuz there where no way Alex would win in this fight.

They had the messest sex they have ever had right after that.

With bruises all over their bodies they fall asleep in each other arms feeling too tired to do anything else.

Dan woke up pretty early. He finally felt good rested. He sit in his bed and wait for Phil. Because Phil have promised him to come and visit him today. Dan wait and wait but Phil didn't come and yesterday start to seem more and more like some simple sad dream.

Dan start to feel worse with every passing hour. He looked down on his bandaged arms.

 _White against white._

 _Let it get lettle darker. Just a little bit. With red. Beautiful dark red._

 _Do it, Dan. Do it now._

And Dan did it. He riped open the bandages with his teeths and looked down on stiches crosing his wirsts. He leaned down and pulled them with his teeths making sure to rip them out fully. He keep doing it till every stich was riped out of his burning white flesh. He spat out the blood tasting them on his tonage. He lay down looking how beautiful his white arms start to cover in beautiful red collor.

 _Blood have such a beautful collor._

He smiled at himself feeling proud to make such a master pice. He kept looking on the drawning his blood kept made till his eyelids start to get too heavy to keep them open. He let them shut slowly seeing red all around him. And he fell in deep sleep with little proud smile playing on his blue lips.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8.**

 **Saving.**

 _-Phil. Baby. Wake up. –small kisses was placed on Phils neck making him to wake up._

 _Phil opened his eyes and met most beautiful eyes he have ever seen._

 _-Dan! – Phil pulled him down on top of himself._

 _\- Good Morning sleephead. – Dan said laughing._

 _\- Good morning – Phil said pulling Dan into sweet innocent kiss._

 _Dan made kiss deeper and deeper making Phil feel butterflys dancing in his tummy. He slid his hands down Dans body feeling how cold his skin was._

 _Dans hand slid down between them griping softly Phil there. Couple strokes and Phil was moaning mess there in Dans arms. Dan kiss him softly again and again with smile on his lips. Phil start to feel something wet on his body. He looked down and saw blood. Blood coming from Dans wirsts. Phil sit up with little screem on his lips. Dan sit back with his arms places on his knees with cut wirsts up._

 _-What's wrong Phil? Isn't this what you wanted? – Dan asked with sad look on his face. – I did it because of you. I did it for you, Phil. To make you happy. – Dan smiled._

 _\- No! No! Dan, No! You can't do this! Please! – Phil was in tears._

 _\- It's okay, Phil. I am happy now. I don't feel any pains anymore. – Dan smiled in big joy but blood keep bleeding out of his body making Phils bed full of them._

 _\- Dan no. Please... –Phil sob trying to get hold of Dan but Dan was out of his reach and his figure swimed even further away._

 _\- It's too late, Phil. It's too late. I'm already gone. –Dan said blowing simple kiss to Phil and then dissapear leaving bed full of blood._

Phil screemed sitting up. He felt out of breath. Blood. Blood was in his bed. Phil screemed pushing away blanket and trying to get out of bed.

Alex grip him tight against his body.

-Phil! Calm down! It was just a nightmare! Calm the fuck down! – He shake Phil trying to get Phil to focos.

Phil was histerical trying to get out of bed. Out of Dans blood.

Alex slap him. Hard. Phils eyes went wide open looking at Alex.

-It was just a nightmare, Phil. Non of that was real. Nothing! – Alex said looking strict in Phils eyes.

Phil nod slowly looking down his naked body to see no blood was there. Only his hard on was looking back at him wanting some kind of attention.

Alex looked down and saw that too. He looked back up at Phil with questining look on his face and Phil blush. Alex let out laugh and pushed Phil down in the bed leaning down to little treat waiting for him.

Phil close his eyes feeling hot and wet mouth tightening around his hard on. He let it take him away trowing him into sweet relise.

-Dan! – Phil moaned out loud when he was coming.

That simple word was like knife into back for Alex but he finished his work for Phil. He then sit up looking down at him with sad eyes.

-You really love him, don't you? – Alex ased in heartbreaking voice.

Only than Phil understand that he moaned out Dans name infront of Alex being the one who pleasure him.

-Alex... I... – Phil didn't know what to say to make it all better.

\- Enough Phil. Enough. It's been months but you still think of him. And i see that i can never take his place because you will never love me like you love him. Even if after year you would start to love me, it wouldn't be the same. So it will be better, if we end all this here. Befour i get more hurt than i already am. – Alex stand up putting his clothes on.

\- Alex... I am sorry... I really like you. I do... but... I.. – Phil sit there stil without right words.

\- It's okay. Go. You love him. Go and say that to him. Be happy with him. I hope that we can stay friends. But now lets go. I can drive you to him. – Alex let smal sad smile come out.

\- Thank you. – Phil said.

After hot shower and fast breakfasts they drive to mental hospital.

-Thank you, Alex. – Phil said puting little kiss on his cheek and rush into hospital.

\- I'm here to see Daniel Howell. – Phil said.

\- Impossible. – lady said looking throught her papers.

\- How do you mean it's impossible? – Phil said getting worried.

\- He tried to kill himself this morning when you didn't come as promised. He rip out all stiches on his wirsts making big damage to himself. So it is now impossible for you to see him. It wouldn't be good for him. He is too weak.- nurse said in angry tone.

\- Is he okay? Is he alive? – Phil asked remembering his dream.

Nurse didn't get a chance to answer because another nurse was pushing wheling chair with Dan in it toward them. Dan was greyish white with blanket over his body. His eyes closed with big back cirkles under them. His arms under blanket.

-Dan! – Phil rushed to him kneeling down cuping his face in his hands.

Dan opened his eyes slowly feeling really weak. He saw bright light but when he look closer he saw blue eyes. Blue familiar eyes. Dan started to smile weird smile. He didn't know if he was like this because of all the blood he lose or because he was hight. But he liked the feeling. He saw Phil infront of him moving his lips saying something but he didn't hear a words. So he let out a laugh making Phil stop.

-He is like this because of all blood loss and medicaments he have recive. – Nurse sad starting to push his chair to his room.

Dan felt sad than Phil dissapear from his look. So he closed his eyes enjoying blacknes. Dan felt really calm. He was little sleepy but he liked to stay inside darkness. He felt safe there.

Phil followed the nurse to Dans room. Nurse helped Dan to lay down in bed. She put blanket over his body. Dan smiled at her without opening his eyes.

-How can you know that he won't do anything again?- Phil asked in wisper to the nurse.

\- He will be watch 24/7 so don't worry. – Nurse went away leaving Phil with Dan.

Phil kneeled down infront of Dans bed pushing hair out of Dans face. Dan opened his eyes seeing beautiful Phils eyes again. He smiled looking over Phils face. Dan moved little bit back in his bed to make space for Phil. And Phil understand little try Dan made. He slowly push his shoose down and lay down in the bed next to Dan. Dan automacaly cuddle tight against Phils body without moving his arms. Phil didn't know that Dan didn't even feel them at all in all leight. Dan put his head against Phil chest hearing most beautiful music to his ears. Phils heartbeats. And listening to that Dan fall into sweet deep sleep.

When Dan woke up he looked up at sleeping Phil. Dan wanted to hug him but couldn't make his arms to move. He looked down and saw them white with lot of bandages laying between himself and Phils body. But no matter how hard he tried he couldn't make them move.

Dan lean down and put his lips against his arm. He felt nothing. He bite into it and still he felt nothing.

Heartbreaking sob come out his lips waking Phil.

-What..? what happen? Baby talk to me. – Phil sit up helping Dan to sit up.

Dan couldn't say a word. He cried and looked down on his ruined arms. Now useless arms. He saw Phil take his hands into his but felt nothing. He let out heartbreaking sound.

-Dan, baby. What's wrong? What happened? – Phil asked sroking Dans hands into his.

He saw Dan falling apart infront of him and he could do nothing about it.

Nurse come into Dans room and kneeled beside Dan.

-Daniel, Please look at me. Take this. – She give Dan little pill and put it into his mouth.

She helped him take a glup from watter to get the pill down.

Dan looked down at his arms. Nurse pushed his hair out of his eyes.

-It will be okay, Dan. Believe me. – She wisper in calming tone.

Dan looked at her without believing her. Than he looked at Phil seeing his worried look . Phil still hold his hands into his own thinking that it help.

Dan knew that there was no way that Phil will actually chose him over Alex. Whenever he will find out, he will simply leave Dan alone.

Dan wanted to screem. He wanted to trow stuffs against wall. But all he did was simply sit there wanting to be dead.

Little pill started to kick in making Dan feel calm and start to forget his want and need to die.

After ten minute Dan opened his eyes without crying. He looked over Phil and looked deep into his beautiful blue eyes.

Dan lay back down asking silently with his eyes for Phil to do the same. Phil lay down next to him putting one hand into his hair puhing them back. Dan looked into Phils eyes with his sad brown ones. He knew that these was his last moments with Phil. At least with real Phil. Because after Phil will find out all he will see in his look will be sick pity over Dan.

Dan leaned closer to Phil without looking away. He heared Phils breathing to get faster. Phil getting little nervous.

Dan put his lips against Phils and close his eyes enjoying the feel of Phils lips.

 _Just for this last time..._

He kept kissing Phil with soft lovefull kisses. Phil answer to them all with the same ones. Phil hold one hand on Dans cheek wishing that he would never need to pull apart from Dan.

Dan felt sad somewhere deep inside but he felt happy too about finaly being able to kiss Phil just like he have wanted all these years. So Dan stayed calm without showing any worries or sadness knowing that this will be their last time.

Phil was full of joy. He finaly hold Dan into his arms and they finaly give eack other simple lovefull kisses just as Phil have wanted.

Dan didn't dare to open his eyes when Phil broke apart to katch his breath. He simply cuddle closer to him and start to listen to his heart beats letting sweet nothing take over him letting him forget his ruined arms and that he have lost Phil over his stupid actions.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9.**

 **Change.**

Dan was asleep in Phils arms. They had kiss innocently till Dan fall asleep in Phils arms. Phil got up when doctor come to change Dans bandages. His heart broke when he saw all he damage Dan had made to his arms. He was little suprised that Dan didn't wake up by all that. He didn't even move. Was sleeping in deep sleep. But than simple words cought Phil of the ground.

-Still paralized. From fingertips till sholders. Don't feel anything. – Nurse said other who write it all down.

Phil stand there in shock. He didn't believe what he heared. That couldn't be true. Dan would have told him. Or no?

-How do you mean paralized? – Phil stupidly asked.

\- oh... well he don't feel his arms, at all. When he riped out the stiches he catch some nerves that made his arms don't feel anything. I'm sorry but we don't know if he will have the chance to feel or move them. But there is a little chance that his nerves will heal and start to work again. But the chance is less than 10% . – nurse said looking at Phil.

\- oh... – that was all Phil got out of his mouth.

Nurse left leaving Phil alone with Dan. Phil sit down thinking what he could do.

 _But did he have much options?_

Phil spend hours on his phone searching about arms paralize. He find ways how to help Dan to get used to it and how to help him in daily life. Phil put down his phone when nurse come in with food tray.

-Would you like to feed him his dinners? – nurse asked politly looking at Phil.

\- Yes. I will do it. – Phil give her a little smile.

Nurse put the tray down on the little bedside table and left.

Phil bent down to Dan and start to put little kisses on his face. Soon Dan started laughing and opened his eyes.

-Phil, what are you doing? – Dan asked laughing.

Insted of answering Phil kissed him deeply with kiss full of love. Dan answered immediatly smiling into kiss.

-That was one pleasant waking up. – Dan said with little laugh when they stoped to take a breath.

\- Yes. I love kissing you. I have waited so long that i could kiss you non stop. But you need to eat. Nurse bring your dinner. – Phil sit up.

Dans face fall down. He didn't want to look at Phil. All he did was look down on the floor.

-Dan... – Phil put one hand on Dans chin bringing him to look at Phil – It's okay. Doctor told me earlier when they come to check on your arms. –

Dan started crying and looked away. He felt embarased.

Phil didn't say anything. He simply cuddle against Dan and hold him in his arms close to his own body. Dan put his face against Phils neck and cry it all out. And after that he actually felt little better. Phil kept stroking his hair and back to comfort him.

Dan looked up at him. Phil looked down at his eyes and all Dan saw in Phil eyes was love. No pity, no hate, just love. And Dan kiss him one more time tasting his own tears on their connected lips.

-Now let me feed you. – Phil said sitting up and helping Dan to sit against the wall.

-Okay, if you want. – Dan said in little tired tone.

Dan let Phil feed him all food he had for dinner. After eating Phil cuddle next to Dan putting his arms around Dan. Dan looked down at his bandaged arms.

-What did they said you...? about my arms... – Dan asked in weird tone.

\- That you have made big damage to your nerves when you riped out the stiches... – Phil took deep breath – And that you have less than 10% chance for feeling them again...- Phils voice break.

Dan sit there saying nothing. He didn't know what to say. That he is sorry? But he isn't. He didn't think about all this when he did it. all he thought that moment was relife and need to die. Not some stupid nerves. And now he wanted to push Phil away. Why the hell did he wanted to stay with him now? He was more useless than befour.

-Leave. – Dan demand without looking at Phil.

\- What? – Phil asked in shock.

\- Leave! – Dan said in stronger tone.

\- I am not gonna leave you. – Phil said in angry voice.

\- mhm. Don't you understand that i am useless? Don't you see that i can't do almost anything?! – Dan now screemed in Phil face.

\- I see it and i don't give a fuck about it, Daniel! I wouldn't leave even if they would tell me that you are like vegetable! I would still stay! And i will stay! Stop pushing me away you idiot! Don't you fucking understand that i love you and i need you!? – Phil was ready to explod from all anger he felt in that moment.

Dan sit there looking at Phil in shock. Phil griped his face in his hands.

-I fucking love you and i won't leave. Not now, now anytime soon. – Phil spat out throught gritted teeths looking stright into Dans eyes.

Dan smiled. He actually smiled. And lean little to the front and put his lips against Phils. Now Phil was taken aback. But of course he closed his eyes and answered his kiss. So sweet and deep.

-Did you understand me? – Phil asked when they break apart.

\- Yes. – Dan said with true smile on his face, even his eyes lit up a bit.

\- good. – Phil smiled and peck his lips.

\- it was kinda sexy hearing you to use f words. – Dan giggle, he actually giggle.

\- you say so? Well too bad, cuz i will use them only when i am angry. You know that. – Phil brush Dans hair.

\- I know. One of the reasons why i love you. – Dan said befour he could stop himself.

Phil started to smile really big and kiss him.

-I love you too silly head. – Phil said right befour nurse come into Dans room.

\- I am sorry but you need to go for today. You can come tomorow. – Nurse said politly.

\- Okay. Sleep tight and don't do stupid things. – Phil kiss Dan one more time befoor he left.

 _ **2 weeks latter.**_

-Phil, i have suprise for you. – Dan said throught the hallway phone.

\- Really? And what it is? – Phil asked in cheerfull tone.

\- I can go home! I need to go to one last terapy and than i'm going home! – Dan said in really exited voice.

-What? – Phil was in good shock.

\- after 3 hours i am going to home!- Dan shooted in the phone with laugh.

\- OMG! OMG! – Phil lose it all, he was so happy.

\- Calm down, - Dan laughed listening to Phils exitment.

\- i will pick you up! After 3 hours you say? – Phils was still really exited.

\- yup. I need to go now, my terapy is starting after two mins. I will see you after 3 hours. – Dan said with smile on his lips.

\- i can't wait baby. See you soon!- Phil said ending the call.

-Thank you for helping. – Dan said to the nurse who hold the phone for him and went to his daily terapy.

Phil at home was starting to panicking. He need to clean house and make it look perfect. And make it all comfy for Dan. Phil counted minutes till he will be able to go pick Dan up. When time strike Phil hop in the car and drive to mental hospital to get Dan. When he steped inside Dan was sitting on waiting chair. With bag next to his arms. When he saw Phil he stand up with bright smile on his lips. Phil rush to him and huged him hard against his own body. Then he kiss him.

-mmmm, i am happy to see you too but lets not make this too intime in hospital.- Dan laugh out.

\- Yes, yes, of course. Can we go? – Phil took Dans bag.

\- You need to sign some pappers for me. – Dan said noding to receptionist desk.

\- Okay. – Phil smiled and went there while Dan sit back down.

Phil need to sign papers that he agree to take care of Dan and he will make sure he drink his pills and goes to terapies once a week.

-Lets go. – Phil smiled putting his arm around Dans waist.

Dan smiled and let Phil led him to the car. Driving home they listen to music. Dan looking out the window. Phil opened every door for him and make sure not to be too annoying about helping Dan with everything.

-It's so good to be home. – Dan said trowing himself down on the sofa.

\- Yes. I am so happy that you are finaly home. – Phil said sitting next to Dan.

Dan looked down at gaming consule that was left on the coffee table. It made him sad knowing that he won't be able to play any games.

-What will we do with our gaming channel? – Dan asked.

\- oh... em.. i in these couple weeks have upload all video that we filmed befour... the incident... – Phil said in carefull voice.

\- we can film another video, if you want. – Dan said knowing how heavy his words was.

Phil stayed silent. Looking at Dan with sad look.

-I mean, you can play and i can coment on it all or something like that. I feel like i should give fans new videos... – Dan sliped into his minds deeper.

\- Okay, if you want. – Phil tried to pull Dan out of his minds because he knew that Dan can sliped really deep into them – do you want hot chocolate? – Phil asked.

\- m? – Dan looked at him like he haven't heard what Phil have said.

\- Do you want hot chocolate? – Phil asked with little smile.

\- yes. That would be nice. – Dan said ready to stand up.

Phil helped him and led them to kitchen. Phil suprised Dan by kissing him and pushing him softly against kitchen counter. Dan let out suprised noise but answered his kisses feeling happy about how Phil simply kiss him without asking. Phil pulled Dan up sitting him down on the kitchen counter smiling into kiss.

-mmm... You shouldn't pull me up like that. Will get hurt. I am too heavy. – Dan murmured into their kiss.

\- you aren't heavy, Dan. You, actually, have lose lot of weight in these two months. I will need to put you full of home made food. – Phil said looking deep in his eyes.

\- Phil... – Dan let out shivery breath.

\- no, Dan. You are skinny. Please don't make yourself think that you are fat when you're not. You are beautiful, baby. And you was beautiful befour you lose all weight. – Phil said looking deep into Dans eyes.

Dans eyes start to watter. He wanted to hug Phil really tight right now. But he understand that he couldn't do that. Dan started to cry trowing himself against Phils body. Phil hold him close.

-Shhh. Shh, baby. Stop your crying, baby, it'll be alright. Sh... – Phil wisper into his ear.

Dan slowly calmed down listening to Phils heartbeats. Phil bent down and kiss away all his tear tracks. Than peck his lips.

-Okay? – Phil asked.

Dan nood forcing little smile on his lips.

-Do fans know that i am back home? – Dan asked all of sudden.

\- em.. i don't think so. Do you want me to let the know? – Phil asked with smile on his lips.

\- They need to know. – Dan said pecking Phils lips.

\- okay. – Phil said and run to get his laptop.

 _-Me and Dan having livestream in 2 mins on younow. Come and say hi!-_ Phil tweeted going back to the kitchen with laptop in his hands.

He log into younow and put computer down.

-A livestream? – Dan asked little curising.

\- yup. – Phil said pecking his lips.

Than Phil hit going live button.

-Hi everyone! Look who is back home! Dan! – Phil turned computer to Dan.

\- Hey. – Dan said with tired smile on his lips.

\- I will make hot chocolate for us now. – Phil said putting computer down so the both was into screen.

\- Phil make awesome hot chocolate but you already know it. i actually missed your hot chocolate. – Dan said looking at Phil.

\- You should. It really is amazing.- Phil said concentrating on making them now.

\- just like you. – Dan said with smile on his lips.

Phil smiled back pushing want to kiss him away. Dans look didn't make it easy. They didn't even notice that they have stare at each other like that for whole minute. Dan cought akwardly turning away.

-em yeah, hot chocolate ready. Lets see what peoples want to know. Will we sit here in the kitchen or do you want us to go to living room? – Phil asked Dan.

\- Living room seems more comfy. Sofa and so... – Dan murmured looking down at his arms.

\- Okay. Living room. – Phil smiled taking computer in one hand and both cups in the other turning computer away from Dan so he could jump down wihthout anyone noticing his arms.

They sit down on the sofa. Befour Phil put laptop on the right spot Dan bent down and drink little of his chocolate. Phil helped him a little. And give him fast peck on lips. Than he turned laptop so they both are able too fit in screen.

-So lets read the chat. – Phil said.

\- Phil, where is your boyfriend? – Dan read aloud looking at Phil.

\- well, I and Alex broke up little bit more than two weeks ago. But we have stayed good friends. – Phil said with smile.

\- good friends, you say? – Dan asked little annoyed.

\- Yes. – Phil said looking strikt at Dan.

Dan shook his head and keep reading the chat.

-What about Noel? – Phil read.

\- Noel was nice but it didn't work out. – Dan aswered immediatly.

-where was you all this time Dan? – Phil read.

\- you really want to know? Well in short version i was in hospital treatment. – Dan said leaning back in the sofa- nothing important.-

\- Dan, that was important. – Phil said in shocked tone.

\- Calm down. It's over. I am home. – Dan said with pleading look.

\- Okay,- Phil soften seeing Dans look.

They keep chating with peoples in chat for good hour. Than Dan start to yawn.

-Someone is really tired. – Phil said with laught.

-mm...- Dan said with another yawn putting his head against Phils sholder.

\- Okay. I think that's it for todays live show. Thanks to everyone who was with us and wish sweet dreams to sleepy Dan. – Phil said wawing the camera ending the livestream.

\- Danny, don't sleep. You need to take your pills. – Phil said shuting the computer and kissing his forehead.

\- mm... okay... can i finish my chocolate? – Dan sit up being all really tired.

\- of course, baby. – Phil helped Dan to finish his now cold hot chocolate.

\- it still is delicious. – Dan said with smile.

\- yes. I will go get your pills. – Phil stand up taking cups to kitchen.

Dan lay down on the sofa closing his eyes. He felt really tired. He wasn't used to this much activity in one day. Spending almost two months without any tehnologies one hour with livestream is really tiring. All Dan wanted to do right now was to sleep.

-Danny? Your pills and than sleep. – Phil sit down holding cup of watter and pills on other hand.

\- ugh... – Dan sit up letting Phil make him drink his pills.

He automacally showed his mouth afterward getting weird look from Phil.

-Nurses made me do that so they could be sure that i took my pills. Reflex. – Dan said leaning against Phil.

\- O, okay. Lets go to sleep. – Phil said picking Dan up.

\- what i told you about picking me up? – Dan said without opening his eyes.

And he couldn't denie how good it felt to be carried in Phils arms like this.

-Yes, but that won't change my mind. – Phil put Dan down in the bed and start to undress him.

\- wow, wow. What are you doing? – Dans eyes shoot open.

\- undresing you...? – Phil was frozen in place.

-You should warn me... i.. – Dan get red understanding that he was in Phils bed and that Phil wanted to casualy undress him.

\- i'm sorry. I just wanted to help him. – Phil said. – sorry if i make you feel uncomfortable.-

\- it's okay. I just didn't see it coming. Leave shirt on and boxers of course. – Dan close his eyes once again.

\- Okay. – Phil said slowly keeping to undress Dan.

His eyes skan Dans body with love full eyes.

-stop cheking me out, you perv. – Dan laugh opening his eyes.

\- i am not. – Phil turned red.

\- Oh you are. – Dan started to laugh.

\- yes i was. – Phil started to laugh together with Dan.

They laugh together for good ten minutes than Phil start to undress himself. Dans eyes skan over Phils sexy body and his mouth start to water.

-Are you checking me out? – Phil said laughing.

\- Yes, you are sexy as fuck. – Dan said licking his lips.

\- i will take it as compliment. – Phil said getting into bed next to Dan.

Dan turned to face Phil and kiss him deeply. Phil pulled one hand in Dans hair and other put on his back. With every minute they keep kissing their kiss got deeper and deeper. Dan moaned out into Phils mouth. Dan stoped the kiss and looked down in shame.

-Don't, i love hearing you moan. – Phil said kissing Dans forehead.

\- can we please stop here befour i get... em... exited? – Dan asked with blush on his cheeks.

\- of course we can. Sweet dreams Dan. – Phil kiss him softly keeping him into his arms.

\- Good night ,Phil. – Dan murmured leaning closer to Phils chest.

They listen to each other breathing till they both fall asleep. And they both felt calm and full just because they were in each other arms presed together feeling their hearts beating against each other in one ritm.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10.**

 **Jealousy.**

Dan woke up by sall kisses been placed all over his face and delicious smell of food. He open his eyes to see beautiful deep blue ones staring stright at him. Dan start to smile. Phils lips curl into big smile as well. He lean down and kiss Dan. Dan answered hooking one leg around Phils legs. Phil giggle and kiss Dan deeper.

-Good morning. – Dan wisper into kiss.

\- Good morning. I made breakfasts for us. And it's not just coffee and cerials. I really cooked us a breakfasts. – Phil said smailing and sit up helping Dan to sit up.

Dan looked down on bedside table and saw delicious looking breakfasts.

-Mmm... look so good. – Dan said licking his bottom lip.

\- I hope that they will taste good. – Phil said with a laugh and take all breakfasts on bed.

\- Can i drink a little bit of coffee first? – Dan asked.

\- Of course. – Phil carefully helped Dan to take several sips from his coffee.

\- You really know how to make one of best coffees. – Dan said giggling and placing hot kiss against Phils cheek making him blush.

\- I try my best. – Phil said giggling.

\- Now give me my food. – Dan said with joking tone.

\- You will need to earn that. – Phil replay in joking tone as well.

\- Hmm.. and what i need to do? – Dan asked looking deep in Phils blue eyes getting closer to him.

\- I.. I don't know... think of something meaning full. – Phil said getting lost in Dans dark eyes.

\- Than maybe i could pay you with small, sensetive kisses? – Dan asked stoping right infront of Phils face, looking down on his lips and back in his eyes.

\- Yes... – Phil wisper letting his breath out he didn't know was holding.

\- Good. – Dan wisper placing small kiss on the side of Phils mouth.

Phil closed his eyes wanting to grab Dan and kiss him deeper. But he kept his self control and let Dan do what he wanted.

Dan smiled looking down at Phil waiting for his kisses. Dan suddenly bent down and placed soft kiss on Phils hand.

Phil opened his eyes in little shock and dissapointment. He looked down to see Dan smiling up at him.

-Didn't see that coming? – Dan asked starting to laugh.

\- No. – Phil started to laugh as well.

\- But don't worry, you will get one on lips too. – Dan said pecking his lips.

\- More... – Phil breathed out.

Dan let out a little laugh and kissed Phil little bit longer. He stoped when his stomack growl laudly making them both brust out laughing.

-Okay, i think you earned your food. – Phil said laughing.

\- That was embarassing. – Dan laugh placing his face against Phils sholder.

\- You're just hungry. It is perfectly normal. – Phil said putting one arm around Dan.

Dan just let out one more laugh befour sitting back stright.

Phil give him a bite waiting for reaction.

-Hell, Phil! Did you really cooked this food by yourself? – Dan asked with big eyes.

\- Yes... you don't like it? – Phil asked little bit scared.

\- I love it! give me more, please. It is so fucking good! – Dan opened his mouth for Phil to give him more food.

Phil smiled with his heart warm and start to feed Dan.

They both eat with smile on their lips and forgething about problems laying between them.

After finishing eating Dan lay down in bed smiling.

-That was really good. I am so full. – Dan smiled.

\- I am so glad you liked it. – Phil lay down next to Dan placing his head in his hand.

Dan suddenly put his leg around Phil starting to laugh. Phil start to laugh as well and places his arms arund Dan pulling him closer. Dan laugh lauder when Phil start to tickle his sides.

-No, no no. Please. – Dan laugh.

\- Hm.. why would i stop? – Phil asked laughing.

\- Because... I.. – Dan couldn't stop laughing. – I love you –

\- aww. I love you too. – Phil stoped tickling Dan and softly kissed him.

Dan answered kiss still smiling big.

-Thank you... – Dan wisper against Phils lips.

\- You don't need to thank me. – Phil said messing Dans hair up.

\- Don't! – Dan start to laugh and pushing himself away from Phils hands.

\- But i like it! – Phil said laughing and keeping Dan close to himself.

Dan laugh innocently placing small bite on the end of Phils neck making him to lose his breath.

-Ha! You didn't see this coming. – Dan said laughing and getting out of bed.

\- That is not fair! – Phil said laughing and getting out of bed too.

\- Nothing is fair. Will you please help me getting dressed? – Dan asked with smile on his face.

\- Of course i will. – Phil said hugging Dan.

Dan and Phil was sitting in living room wtching tv when Phils phone start to ring. Phil looked down at it and saw Alex name and funny photo of them flash on the screen.

-excuse me. – Phil said getting up and going to his room answering the phone.

\- Hey. Took you long enough to pick up. I start to think that you won't even answer. – Alex said through the phone.

\- I was with Dan. So why did you call? – Phil sit down and looked out the window.

\- I can come over now, if you want. And I could look at Dans arms and change bandages. – Alex said in calm tone.

\- Yeah. That would be great. Thank you. – Phil said with small smile on his lips.

\- Always. – Alex end the call.

Phil got back up and went back to Dan.

-Who was it? – Dan asked without looking away from the tv.

He didn't like that Phil simply went away when Alex was calling him. Dan saw that sick photo Phil have of them and start to wonder how many of these kind photos he have in his phone.

-Just a friend. Don't worry. – Phil smiled and put his arm around Dan.

Dan nood but he couldn't be calm knowing that Phil still have warm feeling toward Alex.

Soon someone walk into the appartment.

Dan sit up stright.

-Calm down. It's Alex. – Phil let out little laugh and stand up leaving Dan alone on the sofa.

-Hey, -Alex said with smile and hug Phil.

\- Hey. – Phil said with matching smile on his lips.

They both come back to living room and sit down on the sofa.

-Hi. – Alex said to Dan with little smile.

Dan only nood a little.

Alex let out a breath and turn his full attention to Phil. Dan looked how they happily chat like he wasn't even there. Soon Phil and Alex went to kitchen to drink some coffee. Leaving Dan on his own. Dan watch how Alex touch Phil so called innocently. It was clearly seen that Alex is in love with Phil and want him to be his. And Dan wasn't wrong. Soon Alex start to flirt with Phil more and more making Dan jealous. But what can Dan do. He can't even go and put his arms around Phil to show that Phil is his.

Alex and Phil come back to living room laughing.

-Dan, Alex will look at your arms and change bandages. – Phil said sitting down.

\- Are you fucking kidding me? – Dan said letting his anger out.

\- No. Why are you rude? – Phil asked confused.

\- I don't want that pice of shit touching me or looking at what he have done to my fucking arms! – Dan said standing up.

\- Stop there. I didn't do that to your arms. I didn't make you be so stupid to make fucking suicide attempt and cut your own hands damaging all nerves! – Alex said setting into anger.

\- Oh you didn't. You fucing stole my boy! You fucked him and fucked everything that was between me and him up! You are the one whos fault it is that I tried to kill myself! You stole the only one that keep me here! – Dan screemed in Alex face.

\- Shut the fuck up and don't talk about Phil like he is your fucking property! This is the reason why you are not good enough for him! You treat him like shit! – Alex let it all out.

\- Alex. Please! – Phil said without knowing what to do.

\- And you are the one who is good enough for him?! Ruining his relationships with friend behind his back and lieing him? That you call good enough? – Dan spat out.

\- I treat him like gold! I love him! – Alex curl his hands in fists.

\- Don't you fucking say that you love him! – Dan screemed wanting to punch Alex.

\- why not? Because you know that it is the truth and that he love me back? – Alex asked.

\- Shut the fuck up! – Dan screemed boiling in anger.

\- You are nothing. All you can do is act stupid on your jealosy. – Alex said with disgust.

Dan couldn't hold it anymore. He hit Alex with his head making him lose balance and hit the floor.

-Daniel! – Phil hop in the middle and slaped Dan and turned to help Alex and asked if he is okay.

Dan was is shock. Phil actually slapped him. And now is helping Alex. Dan felt himself starting to break inside. His cheek burning red. Dan turned around and went to his bedroom when it hit Phil what he just did.

-Shit. Excuse me please. - He stand up and run to Dan leaving Alex behind.

Phil knew that he have made a big mistake. What he was thinking when he actually hit Dan.

\- Dan, Please listen, Dan. – Phil said going behind Dan.

-No! Leave me the fuck alone! – Dan screemed and kick his bedroom door closed.

\- Daniel! – Phil screemed outside the doors.

\- LEAVE ME ALONE, PHILLIP! – Dan screemed feeling his tears coming to his eyes.

\- Dan... – Phil said against the closed doors.

\- NO! SHUT! THE! FUCK! UP! – Dan screemed falling down and starting to cry.

But he didn't stop falling when he hit the ground. He keep falling into dark dark tunel. And sadlly too well know dark place for Dan.

And he shut every door in his way withouth wanting to see or hear nothing from other side. He shut everything down. He shut himself down.

Now after that he was left alone in cold dark and deep place he have been use to be in. And he was okay with it because there noone could hurt him, noone but himself.

The perfect place to live in.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11.

 **Forgivnes.**

It have been hours since Phil last heard from Dan any sound. It's past midnight and Phil felt sorry for what he did. Phil have no idea why he did so. He wish that he could take that all back. For once everything was alright with them but than Phil ruined it all.

Phil heard Dans room door lock open. He stand up seeing Dan slowly walking out. His cheek still red with Phils handprint on it. Dark cirkles under red puffy eyes. And Dan didn't say a word. He simply walk past Phil into bathroom. Phil walk next to Dan.

Dan let Phil help him but in reality he didn't felt a thing. Phils touch was nothing to Dan. He didn't even felt it on his skin. Dan saw nothing. Just darkness.

Phil tried to talk to Dan, but Dan didn't hear a word he said. He stand there numb. Just existing.

Phil didn't know what to do. He felt like panicking. Dan looked with glassy eyes seeing nothing. And that hurt Phil so much cuz he knew that it was his fault.

He helped Dan get into bed. But Dan didn't close his eyes. He stare into nothing. Like dead. And he really looked dead. Pale and dark. Unmoving.

Phil left to his room and jump into bed brusting out in tears. Because that was the only thing he can do right now when everything was so wrong. And soon enough sleep take over his pain.

Dan swim over darkness that was so familiar to him. He didn't care about anything. He felt numb. He haven't eaten for around three days. Phil have tried to feed him but it end with Dan eating only like one bite and that's all. Dan wanted to die. But in the darkness he felt safe and he didn't even care if he die or not.

Sudden Phils screem woke Dan up from his sleep in darkness.

 _Phil was in pain!_

Dan run to the kitchen where he knew Phil was cooking something Dan won't probably eat.

-Phil! – Dans voice was deep and rusty but it made Phil turn around.

\- I... I cut my... my finger... – Phil stutter with tears in the eyes.

He hold his finger under the watter letting blood run away. Dan let out breath he didn't know was holding and made his way to Phil presing himself against Phils warm body.

-You scare me... – Dan murmured against Phils neck making Phil shiver.

Dans body was ice cold. He was pale with dark cirkles under eyes. He look like walking death. Dark and cold. Distant.

Phil wrap his free arm around Dan pushing him closer to his body. It felt so good to hold Dan in his arms again. And even more better because Dan come to Phil. And that Dan was actually worried about Phil. It made Phil smile. He kissed Dans forehead.

-It's just a scrach. I will put bandage on and it will be alright. – Phil wisper to calm down Dan who was shivering in Phils arms.

Dan stayed silent. He simply listen to Phils hearthbeat and breathing. He enjoyed feeling Phils warm warming up Dans ice cold body.

Phil hold Dan so carefully like he could turn into ashes if he hold him too strong. That made Dan cry. Dan fucked it up again. Phil felt pity against him. Dan didn't want that.

-Shhh... please don't cry baby. It's alright. I'm arlight. – Phil hold Dan little bit closer to his body.

\- I don't want you to pity me... – Dan wispered through sobs.

\- What? I am not pitying you, Dan. You are my fucking boyfriend and i love you not pity you. So stop your harmfull illusions and open your damn eyes. And i am that who is called blind. I could say that it's you. Can't even see the good thing infront of you. Why do you always think that everything is bad and will go wrong? – Phil huf out in small anger.

\- because after good things follow bad things, Phil. And I don't deserve to be saved. I am cursed. I am broken and i deserve nothing more than death. – Dan said fighting his tears.

\- Don't you ever dare to think like that! You don't deserve death. You deserve love and joy and all good things. And i will make sure that they will happen to you. And yes, you are broken and maybe cursed but i better have you like this than when i don't have you at all. I love you so much that it hurt. So please, please start believing me at least if you don't dare to believe yourself. – Phil put his hand under Dans chin making him look up stright in Phils eyes.

-why... ? – Dan let tears stream down his cheeks.

\- Because you are an Angel who make my life better by just existing. – Phil said in soft voice and bending down to kiss Dans blue lips.

Dan close his eyes feeling Phils kiss and little needles starting to work over his body.

-I love you... – Dan cried out.

\- I love you too my broken Angel. – Phil said kissing Dan once more.

\- You need to put bandage over your finger. – Dan suddenly said.

\- Oh, right. My finger. I completly forgot about that. – Phil let out small laugh and put bandage over his cut finger.

Dan stand there watching Phil. And he had feeling that every puzzle pice is back in it's place for once again.

-Dan, - Phil was shaking hi hand infront of Dan.

\- a? – Dan blinked and looked at Phil.

\- You need to eat a little. – Phil said being little scared of what Dans reaction will be.

\- I'm good, thanks. – Dan huf out in sudden anger and turned around to face wall.

\- No, you are not. You are dieing Dan! You look like walking death. – Dan heard pain in Phils voice.

\- I'm okay, Phil. Don't worry. – Dan lied again.

\- Stop lieing to me! – Phil screemed.

It was enough. He grab Dan by his arm and pushed him over bedroom where big mirror standed.

Phil stoped Dan infront of mirror and start to undress him.

-What are you doing? – Dan asked.

Phil stayed silent till Dan was fully undressed and Phil undress himself too. He stand next to Dan.

-Look in the damn mirror. – Phil hold Dand head so he would look into mirror.

Dan look at his ruined body that was in collor like ashes. But than he looked over Phil beautiful, perfect body.

-You're so beautiful. – Dan let small smile out and tried to turn around to kiss Phil but Phil didn't let him.

\- No. Look at your body. Do you think you are fat? – Phil asked in sharp tone.

Dan looked over his body for couple seconds. And he knew the answer that was screemed in his head.

-Yes, Phil. – Dan simply said without emotions.

\- Than if you are fat, what i am? Than i am like elephant. – Phil said showing his body fully.

\- No! You are not! You are beautful, Phil. – Dan cut him off.

\- No, i am not. You are so much more skinner than me Dan, and you are saying that you are fat. Than i am fat too. And i am ugly. I don't even have normal muscles showing. All i have is fat! – Phil screemed in Dans face.

\- No! You are beautiful! You are skinny and amazing! You are not fat! – Dan was close to tears.

\- Than why are you calling yourself fat, Dan? Look at yourself, look. You are twice as skinny than i am. You are bones with skin, Dan. – Phil had tears in his eyes.

\- no... – Dan shake his head with tears streaming down his cheeks.

\- Look in the damn mirror and see himself the way i see you, Dan ! – Phil pushed Dan closer to mirror forcing him to look over his body.

Dan opened his tearfull eyes and look at the broken, pale boy with black eyes looking back at him. Boy in the mirror look like body from coffin. Skeleton. Dan cried even more when Phil didn't let him look away. And everything broke inside Dan. He finaly saw in how bad state he have put himself in. His legs was trebling and finaly they give up trowing Dans naked body to the ground.

Phil catch Dan in his arms and hold him close. Phil was crying too. He sit down against bed holding Dan into his arms.

Dan screemed through his sobs. He pushed closer to Phil warm body. He cried and screemed.

It was hurtfull to watch Dan in such a bad state but it has to be done. Phil knew it. He hold Dan through his breakdown.

Dan finaly calmed down. His breathing was histerical. He listen closly to Phils hearthbeats that calmed him down even more.

Phil played with Dans hair wispering sweet, calming nothings into Dans ear.

Dan slowly drifted into sleep relaxing fully into Phils arms.

Phil put Dan carefully into bed putting on some pj pants and putting covers over his tired body.

Phil didn't want to leave Dan alone in room but he knew that Dan will sleep for around hour without even moving. Like always after panic attacks.

Phil went back to kitchen finishing cooking. He made something Dan could eat when he will woke up. And Phil was right. After little bit less than hour when he walked into room Dan started to wake up. Phil put the plates down and lay next to Dan.

Dan opened his eyes and saw light blue eyes staring back at him.

-Phil... – Dan wisper moving closer to Phil.

\- I'm here. I'm here. It's alright. – Phil hug Dan close to his own body.

\- I was scared... – Dan wisper putting his face against Phils neck.

\- I know. But you don't need to be scared. I am here to protect you. – Phil said putting small loving kiss against Dans head.

\- Thank you. – Dan looked up and kissed Phil on the lips.

Phil answered the kiss enjoying how Dans lips pressed against his. They felt perfect together.

-It's time to eat a little, okay ? – Phil asked with little worries.

\- okay... – Dan nod.

Phil let out breath he didn't know was holding and sit up helping Dan to sit up. Phil carefully feed Dan.

-You are amazing at making food. This taste so good. – Dan compliment when they had finish all food.

\- Thank you, babe. – Phil stand up taking all dishes.

\- Are you going to kitchen? – Dan asked moving out of bed.

\- Yes. You should sleep a little bit more. You can get sick bc you haven't eaten for days and now you eat. – Phil said in worried tone.

\- I will be okay. And if not i know where is bathroom. – Dan said in joking tone.

\- Well, last time you trow up it ended with you going to hospital and sliping into coma. – Phil said whining.

\- Phil. Calm down. I will be alright. And that was because of the drugs. But now i don't have any drugs in my body, only if you haven't put some into my food. – Dan joke trying to cheer up Phil.

\- No, i didn't. – Phil let little smile out.

\- Than we're good. – Dan said kissing Phils cheek.

\- Yeah. I will put down dishes and than take a shower. Do you wanna join me? – Phil asked.

\- Putting down the dishes or shower ? – Dan asked laughing.

It felt so good to hear Dan laugh again.

-Shower, you idiot. – Phil laugh.

\- I'm all in. Showers together are so much fun. – Dan said smiling.

\- I hope so. I will be back in min. Just wait me here. – Phil said kissing Dans forehead.

\- Why not on lips? – Dan asked.

\- I don't know. – Phil shruged.

\- Than come and kiss me on lips, you fool. – Dan laughed.

Phil laugh too and bend down kissing Dan softly but deep on the lips.

Small like that, it made Dan feel complite again. And he was so thankfull that Phil didn't give up on him just yet.

-I love you. -

\- I love you too. -


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12.

 **Secrets.**

 _-Danny, come here. – drunk Kiran said with little laugh._

 _\- Always. – Dan giggle and walk into Kiran open arms._

 _\- Do you like this party? – Kiran asked Dan putting arms around him._

 _\- Yes, of course. – Dan said putting arm around Kiran._

 _\- That is good. That is good. Lets take couple more shots. – Kiran pushed Dan toward table where shots where placed._

 _\- Okay. – Dan said laughing._

 _He was already little drunk but not cpmpletly. He still understand everything._

 _Kiran give shot to Dan and take 3 by himself while Dan drank his one._

 _-Lets go have some more fun. – Kiran wisper into Dans ear putting one arms around Dans waist._

 _\- where? – Dan giggle._

 _\- Upstairs. – Kiran lead Dan up the stairs into one of the bedrooms and lock the doors._

 _Kiran turn around and push Dan down into bed crawling on top of him. Dan start to giggle. Kiran placed rought kisses against Dans neck letting his hands travel under Dans shirt taking it off. Kiran kissed Dan roughtly on the mouth and start to unbotton Dans jeans._

 _-Kiran, stop. – Dan tried to push him away._

 _\- Calm down, you will enjoy this, Danny. – Kiran pushed Dans jeans down._

 _\- No! Kiran, Stop! – Dan tried to sit up bet Kiran strong hand griped him down by his neck._

 _\- You won't go anywhere. You will love it, Danny. – Kiran murmured taking his pants off._

 _\- No, let me go. Kiran let go. Please. Please, i don't want this. – Dan cried out through sharp breaths._

 _\- Stop it. – Kiran griped Dans neck even tighter cutting off Dans breathing._

 _Dan tried to push Kiran off of himself but Kiran was stronger. Kiran pushed inside Dan without any warning making Dan screem in pain letting last pice of breath he had left out._

 _Everything was burning. Flames was runing over Dans body. Tears stream down his cheeks in silent hopeless help screem._

 _-You're so tight, so beautifull Danny. – Kiran let out between moans._

 _Dan prayed it to end but Kiran just keep fucking him. Fast and hard and deep without any mercie._

 _Finaly after couple minutes that felt like hours for Dan, Kirans hand let Dan take in couple of breaths._

 _Dan screamed in pain and for that he got choked even more. So after couple trys Dan kept silent._

 _He prayed for Death to take over him so all this could end._

 _When Kiran finished he lay down on top of Dan crushing him even more with his weight._

 _-This was amazing, Danny. – Kiran said with smile and place kiss on Dans lips._

 _Dan stayed silent. He didn't dare to open his mouth._

 _Kiran finaly stand up and put his clothes on._

 _-Will you lay here or come down and continue partying? – Kiran asked Dan without even looking at him._

 _Dan stayed silent. All he felt was pain. He kept praying to death that never come._

-Kiran, STOP! Please! – Dans screams wake up Phil.

He sit up in panick and look over Dan who have nightmare.

-Dan, Dan, wake up. You are having a nightmare. – Phil shake Dan up.

Dan opened his eyes in panick. Hands were touching him.

 _Kiran!_

Dan screamed and tried to get away. He tried to get out of bed he was in. He end up falling flat on the ground. Dan was breathing hard. He didn't understand where he was. He looked around seeing familiar carpet.

-Home... – He breath out.

Dan felt hot tears coming out.

-need to cut... or drugs.. yes... drugs will be better. Will help longer... – Dan murmurd trying to get up without seeing anything because of the tears.

\- Dan... – Phil kneeled down infront of Dan and put hand on his sholder.

Dan blink scared and look at man infront of him. He didn't know who it is.

-Please... – Dan cried out in broken voice.

\- I won't hurt you. I will help you. Okay? Come back to bed. You need to calm down and sleep. It will feel better after that. Okay? – Phil asked in soft voice.

\- O.. okay... – Dan nod still being scared.

Phil put Dan back in the bed and put covers around him. Dan looked so broken and insecure. It was breaking Phils heart. Phil sit down running his fingers through Dans hair till he fell back asleep.

This was the first time Phil had seen Dan in such state. And all he knew that it was nightmare about some guy named Kiran. Phil have never heard of guy named Kiran.

Phil let out heavy breath and stand up going to take shower.

After couple hours Dan woke up alone in the bed. He felt really energetic and fresh. He hop out of bed and went to search for Phil. Dan find Phil in the living room sitting on the computer. Dan bent down and place light kiss on Phils lips making them both smile.

-Good morning. – Dan said sitting down next to Phil.

\- Morning. – Phil looked at Dan with worried eyes.

\- What's wrong? – Dan asked his smile fadeing.

\- How are you feeling, Dan? – Phil asked in serious tone.

\- Really good, but little bit sad that i woke up alone in the bed. Why? – Dan looked at Phil.

\- Do you remember that you had terrible nightmare just couple hours ago? – Phil asked.

\- What are you talking about? – Dan asked in really confused voice.

\- You screamed a lot like you were in terrible pains. And you screemed some Kiran name and begged him to stop something. After i woke you up you fell to the ground and murmured that you need to cut or take drugs because they will make you feel better, and when I tried to help you, you look at me without even knowing who I am or where are you. You looked so broken and scared. – Phil said with tears in his eyes.

Dan didn't believe what he was hearing. He haven't had any episode like that since he met Phil. Dan was so confused. He had spend years trying to push memories about Kiran away. And now it simply come back hitting him so hard of the ground.

-Dan, Dan, breath. Breath. – Phil take Dan by sholders.

Dan looked at Phil and tried to calm down.

-It's okay baby, come here. – Phil take Dan closer to himself and hug him tightly.

\- I spend years trying to forget it all... – Dan let out through sobs.

\- It's okay. You don't need to talk about it now. I understand. – Phil tried to calm Dan down a bit.

\- I didn't want it. I told him, but he never listen... – Dan cried out with painfull memories washing over him.

\- Shh. Now you are safe. I will never do anything to you that you don't want. – Phil kissed Dans forehead.

\- I know... I know... That's why I love you. One of many reasons. – Dan murmured against Phils neck.

\- I love you too. – Phil start to run his hand through Dans hair to calm him down.

\- I need to tell you about it... I know than i need to. Even when it hurt so much. – Dan take in sharp breath.

\- Baby, you don't need to. I don't want you to be hurt. – Phil said pulling Dan even closer.

\- No, i need to. I need to get it all out. – Dan take couple deep breaths.

\- Okay... – Phil kiss his forehead.

\- Kiran, he was my kinda first boyfriend if i can call him even that. He was around 12 years older than me. Noone in my family knew about him. I didn't tell anybody, well i could or they would trow him in jail cuz i was like 15 years old or even little bit less than that. He was good toward me but in the real life he was real bad guy. He sell drugs and other shits. In that one evening he took me to some party. I don't remember what party or why. It was fun, good music, many drinks. But than he led me upstairs and it was playfull at first. But when I aksed him to stop all he said was „you will enjoy it, Danny" but i didn't! I fucking didn't even want it to happen! I wasn't ready! I was fucking child! But he start to choke me so i would shit up. And he fucked me withouth any mercie. And everytime when he let go of my neck and i tried to screem fo help he start to choke me even harder so in the end i just lay there letting him fuck me. I wished i prayed for death to come. It felt like hours, like years of pain. And when he finished he kissed me and i couldn't do anything. He compliment how beautiful and tight i was and shit like that. And when I didn't get up with him all he asked was „if i will stay here" and he left. I was bleeding and i kept praying for death because i didn't want to live. I wanted to be dead. – Dan was crying really hard – After that I start using drugs to make me feel numb. I put all shit of drugs inside my body so i could forget the pain he give me. And i didn't care if i overdose or not, because it didn't matter. I was dead inside. And so I wanted to be outside too.-

Phil was in tears. He didn't know what to say so he just hug Dan a little tighter and put his face in his hair.

Dan was starting to calm down. It felt like getting rock off your whole body. He felt like he have finaly let go of the past hunting him.

Dan felt Phils tear in his hair.

-Phil... Please don't cry... – Dan looked up into tearfull Phils eyes.

\- How can someone hurt other so much? – Phil let his tears out.

\- Phil, it's okay. It is in past. Phil, please. – Dan kiss the tears away from Phils cheeks.

\- You are an angel. You deserve so much better... – Phil hug Dan even tighter.

\- You make me better. You made my whole life better. You are the reason why i am still even alive. – Dan said keeping kissing away Phils tears.

\- I love you so much, Dan. – Phil said through sobs.

\- I know, Phil. I love you too. So so much. And I know that you would never do something like that. I trust you, Phil. – Dan said slowly kissing Phil on the lips.

Phil answer immediatly melting into Dans sweet kiss that calm Phil down.

-Now, stop your crying. It's alright. I feel so much better that I finaly told someone about what happen. And see, again you helped me. – Dan said putting his forehead agaist Phils.

\- I wish i could take your pains away... – Phil wisper.

\- You already do that. With your love and kindness, and friendship. You are still my best friend. – Dan said kissing Phil again.

\- I am so glad that we become friends. – Phil wisper.

\- Me too, Phil, me too. – Dan said putting small kiss against Phils lips enjoying the love that spread through that simple kiss from Phil to Dan, making Dan feel loved.


	13. Chapter 13

\- Phil, we need to film a new video. like gaming or so. we haven't upload anything for a while. - Dan suddenly speak up.

\- Yeah, i was thinking about it. I just can't choose what type of game we will play. - Phil said huffing out breath.

\- Well, you can choose what ever game you want because you will be the one who will need to play it since i simply can't do it with my fucked up arms. - Dan blurted out.

\- Dan... - Phil close his eyes.

\- Sorry. It's just... I'm sorry. - Dan trow his head back with eyes closed.

\- It's okay. I am just worried about you. - Phil said putting his hand on Dan's.

\- You know that i can't feel that you are holding my hand, right? and second, i told you to forget what i told you in the morning. it don't matter anymore. I am okay. It was many years back. so stop worrying. - Dan didn't open his eyes.

\- How could i not worry after i get to know that my boyfriend was sexually abused in the early age? - Phil sit straight and looked at Dan.

\- Because it don't matter. - Dan huff out annoyed breath.

\- Yes, it do, Dan. It do! - Phil let out little annoyed.

\- What do you want me to tell, ah? - Dan looked over at Phil.

\- I don't know... - Phil looked down at his hand.

\- I had crush on the wrong person, I got fucked up. It happen. At least for now you know that i don't do drugs or self harm. - Dan said looking at Phil.

\- But you did couple weeks ago. but this time because of me. - Phil said in trembling voice. - It's my fault that you can't feel your arms. -

\- No, it is not! for fucks sake! It is my and only my fault! i cut too deep and after that i pulled out stitches. - Dan said in annoyed tone looking back up at the ceiling.

\- Ugh... - Phil looked up at Dan. - But you got your bad habits back bc i was too stupid to accept that i love you and that you love me too.-

\- Dammit, Phil! - Dan suddenly snapped.

Phil's eyes got wide.

Dan sit up straight and got up pushing Phil's hand of his. He looked down at Phil and sit down into his lap. He let the eye contact to get deeper and than he kissed Phil. Sweet but deep making Phil's breath to catch.

Phil answered the kiss and put his arms around Dan's skinny body letting one hand travel into his soft, brown hair.

Dan continue the kiss for couple more minutes enjoying every second of it.

Dan wanted to calm Phil down and show him that Dan is his right now. And most important, that Kiran doesn't matter. not anymore. at least not right now.

\- Mmmm... - Phil let out pulling Dan closer.

\- I want to touch you... - Dan breath out into kiss.

Phil took Dan's arms and put them around his neck.

Dan stopped the kiss suddenly looking sad.

\- Did... did i do something wrong? - Phil said being nervous.

\- No. I just... - Dan looked down.

\- You what? You can tell me anything, Dan. - Phil put hand under Dan's chin bringing him to look at his eyes.

\- What if i won't be able to feel ever again? and well not if, i know that i won't get my arms back to control. - Dan said looking deep into Phil's eyes.

\- I will love you anyway. I love you because of who you are not because of your body. - Phil said with smile on his lips pushing hair out of Dan's eyes.

\- Thank you - Dan simply said.

\- For what? - Phil was confused.

\- For everything. - Dan said and lean in to kiss Phil once again.

\- Oh my, that game was so funny. - Dan said when they finished filming new gaming video.

\- I know right? You always pick the funny ones. - Phil said with smile on his lips.

\- You played it so good. - Dan said with smile on his lips watching Phil saving the video.

\- Thanks, Dan. So I will go cook some lunch. Will you come with me? - Phil stand up looking down at Dan.

\- Yeah, sure. - Dan got up and followed Phil to the kitchen.

Phil started cooking and Dan sit down simply watching him.

\- So... have you been talking to Alex? - Dan ask out of blue.

\- Couple texts, yes, nothing important. - Phil answered being honest.

\- You really care about him, don't you? - Dan ask in voice without emotions on it.

\- Why are you asking this now, Dan? - Phil looked over at Dan.

\- idk. - Dan looked down at his legs.

Dan lied. He knew why he choose to ask these questions. Dan wanted to get answer for something he already knew. Something that made him sad. But for Dan Phil was more important.

\- Phil? - Dan asked without looking up.

\- Yes, Dan? - Phil kept cooking.

\- If you want, you can go and be with him. You don't need to stay just because i could break down. - Dan murmured out.

\- What the hell are you talking right now, Dan? Why all of sudden? - Phil stopped and looked over at Dan.

\- Because i see how much you care for him. And if you started loving another person, that's mean that first one didn't give you enough love. And i accept that. You can be with him. That's really okay. All what matters is for you to be happy. - Dan said without looking up.

He felt Phil's stare at him but still he didn't movie. Dan didn't want to see what Phil's face would show right now.

\- What the actual fuck, Dan? - Phil looked at Dan in shocked.

Dan remind silent.

\- Yes, i spend some time with Alex. Yes, we become friends. Yes, we fucked. But hell, Dan, i don't have that feeling for him. Maybe only as friend. And all the sex, it was as distraction from all problems with you. I know i sound like and asshole right now, but that was simply fucking and nothing more. I fucking love you not him, Dan. Is it so hard to understand? - Phil was mad.

Dan kept silent. He looked at his hand in his lap. Dan had nothing to say.

\- Say something! - Phil lost it all.

Dan jumped from how angry Phil sounded.

\- Alex is better than me... - Dan choke out.

\- Are you fucking kidding me? - Phil got to Dan and pushed him against the wall looking straight in his eyes.

Dan felt tears starting to come to his eyes.

\- I fucking choose you. and i don't give a fuck how fucked up you are and how "good" Alex is. I don't need him! I need You! Are you fucking listening to me? Cuz it looks like you don't hear me. - Phil was angry shooting at Dan's face.

And Dan couldn't lie that seeing Phil this angry was turn on. Dan couldn't help his smile that come out.

\- Why are you smiling now? what's so funny? - Phil asked in confusion.

\- Seeing you this angry just... hm... is hot? - Dan said with small giggle.

\- Are you serious, Howell? - Phil asked putting his head down to Dan's shoulder.

\- Sorry, it's just... You looked so hot. I really could push you against wall and fuck you right here and now. - Dan whispered in Phil ear making Phil groan.

Dan let out giggle.

Phil looked up at him and kissed him on the lips making Dan to smile even bigger.

\- You are fool and tease. - Phil said putting Dan down and finishing cooking.

\- Probably. - Dan start laughing.

Phil let out laugh too and put everything on the table.

\- Time to eat. - He turned to Dan seeing his smile to drop.

\- I'm not hungry, Phil. you eat, i will eat later. - Dan said without making eye contact with Phil.

\- Dan, your games isn't working on me. You need to eat. we have already been through this shit. You are like skeleton. - Phil said putting arms around Dan.

\- Fat skeleton... - Dan murmured.

\- No. - Phil gritted his teeth.

\- Okay, i will eat. fine. - Dan give up.

\- Thank you. It means a lot. You need to put some weight back on. I don't want to lose you. - Phil started feeding Dan.

\- Okay. - Dan let Phil feed him.

 _\- Danny. You're such a pretty boy. - Kiran played with Dan's hair._

 _\- Thank you, but why are you here now? - Dan asked little confused._

 _\- Because i miss you and now you're legal so i wanted to meet you again. You know, i really enjoyed fucking that tight ass of yours. - Kiran said leaning in to whisper in Dan's ear._

 _\- But i didn't and i have a boyfriend now. - Dan said feeling uncomfortable._

 _\- I don't give a shit about that. I can fuck you anyway. But if your friend want, i can fuck him too so you can watch. - Kiran said huffing breath on Dan's cheek._

 _\- I don't want you to come close to Phil. - Dan wanted to get up but suddenly Kiran's hand was around Dan's neck._

 _\- Oh, shut up, you little slut. You loved every moment when i fucked you and you are dirty whore who will enjoy watching how i will fuck your Phil. - Kiran choked Dan for a little._

 _\- No... - Dan let out his last breath._

 _But it was too late. Kiran was bending Phil over table and pushing his jeans down._

\- No! - Dan screamed making Phil jump.

\- Dan? - Phil rush over Dan shaking him up.

Dan opened his eyes and saw Phil kneeling next to him and Dan just started crying. He couldn't keep it all in himself. He need to let it go.

Phil pulled Dan into his lap and stroke his back.

Dan cried for a moment and than simply kept his face pushed to Phil's neck breathing his scent.

Dan felt scared. The dream have been too real. Dan was worried that Kiran will really come to Dan after all these years. But more, Dan was scared that he will get to Phil.

\- Are you feeling better? - Phil asked all worried.

Dan didn't answer. He didn't want to talk right now.

Phil let out breath and simply hold Dan even closer. He didn't know what was going on in Dan's head but he had some thing that it could have something to do with all that Kiran thing.

\- He won't come near you. He won't hurt you. I won't let him. - Phil whispered to Dan making him to look up.

\- But what if he come to you not me? - Dan asked with trembling voice.

\- He won't. Calm down. - Phil said kissing Dan on forehead.

Dan closed his eyes trying to believe Phil's word but it was hard. Dan knew that he was still scared of Kiran and the power he had over Dan.

\- But i guess you can't get over that you got sexually abused in your life. - Dan told himself in his minds.


	14. Chapter 14

Nightmares about Kiran got to Dan even more and more. Dan start to slept less and less. the same went with eating.

It was really hard for Phil to get Dan to eat something at all.

Dan started to shut down even more and more. almost every night he woke up screaming. That's why he start to sleep at his own room again leaving Phil alone in his room.

Dan felt bad for Phil, but he was just too scared to speak it all out aloud.

Dan sit down at the sofa staring at the tv who wasn't even turned on when Phil come out of his bedroom.

\- Good Morning! - Dan stand up and went to kiss Phil taking him by surprise.

Phil answered the kiss pulling Dan closer.

It just have been long time since Dan simply come up to Phil and kissed him like this.

Phil missed Dan so much.

They kissed for couple minutes when Dan give Phil one more little peck and looked him in the eyes with small smile on his lips.

\- I missed you... - Phil whisper to Dan.

\- I'm sorry. So, do you would like to go out today? just wondering around city and so. having fun. maybe going to the cinema? - Dan asked looking really optimistic.

\- Of course! I'm in! - Phil answered in cheerful voice being happy about seeing happy Dan.

\- Than get dressed and lets go! - Dan give Phil big smile sitting back down on the sofa.

Phil rushed to his room putting on nice outfit.

He and Dan went around City simply enjoying the nice weather and beautiful nature.

Phil took several cute and goofy photos of them and a bunch of just of Dan.

After long walk they went to the cinema to watch movie of Phil's choice.

After movie they went to cafe to eat lunch.

\- That movie was amazing! - Phil said putting food in his mouth.

\- I know, right? good choice. - Dan said with smile taking small sip from drink in front of him.

\- I think i will buy it as dvd when it comes out. or just download it on my computer. - Phil said hard in thoughts.

\- I bet you will. - Dan said laughing.

Phil joined in Dan's laugh. He loved watching Dan laugh and be happy like this.

Phil looked at Dan and smile wondering how much Phil love him.

\- Earth calling Phil. - Dan said laughing.

\- M? - Phil asked turning back on reality.

\- Daydreaming while i'm right in front of you, Lester? - Dan asked rising a brow.

\- Only about you. - Phil said sticking his tongue out at Dan.

Dan started laughing even more making Phil laugh out aloud too.

They laugh for a bit and than Dan let Phil finish his lunch.

\- I will use a rest room. wait for me, okay? - Phil said going to rest room.

Dan looked out the cafe window and his heart almost stopped of what he saw. Dan rushed outside to see if he was right.

And yes, there he was. standing across street looking at Dan. Evil but sweet smile come to his lips.

Dan couldn't breath. his heart was racing.

The man start to come to Dan and stopped right in front of him.

\- Why, hello, Danny. - Kiran spoke with little laugh.

\- Hello, Kiran. - Dan said in cold tone.

\- Looking good. Puberty got you good. - Kiran said ruffling Dan's hair.

\- What are you doing in London, Kiran? - Dan asked stepping back.

\- Got some things to do and i thought that i could come and visit you, since i heard you have moved here. - Kiran took step closer to Dan.

\- Why? - Dan asked looking Kiran in the eyes.

\- Because, - Kiran lean closer - I missed you, Danny. You know, I used to love you and take care of you. -

\- And raped me. - Dan hissed.

\- Ouch. - Kiran said in fake hurt putting hand to his heart.

\- What do you want, Kiran? - Dan asked in little tired tone.

\- Simply to hung out with you. - Kiran said pushing hair out of Dan's eyes.

\- I don't think that's a good idea. - Dan said in confident voice.

\- And why's that? Have you stopped your old habits? - Kiran asked knowing the week parts of Dan.

\- It's non of your business. - Dan snapped.

\- I see that you haven't. - Kiran start to laugh.

\- I have. I was clean for more than seven years. - Dan said getting angry.

\- Was. In the past form. Yes, Danny, but now you are back on old tracks. - Kiran said looking deep in Dan's brown eyes.

\- It's not your problem. - Dan said in tired tone.

\- Okay, okay. Come to my party tomorrow evening. Lets chat and so. - Kiran said with devilish smile on his lips.

\- I can't. I have other plans. - Dan said looking up at Kiran.

\- And that is...? - Kiran asked.

\- To do something better than get drugged and fucked by you. - Dan snapped leaning closer to Kiran.

\- Oi, watch your tone, little slut, Danny. - Kiran hissed in Dan's face.

\- You won't tell me what to do, Kiran. - Dan said in dangerous tone.

\- Oh, so? - Kiran asked with devilish look on his eyes.

Dan didn't get a chance to say anything more when Kiran's lips crushed on his owns.

Dan was shocked. He tried to get away but Kirans grip got only stronger.

Dan cursed in his mind about his useless arms and stepped on Kiran's foot with all his strength.

\- You bitch! - Kiran jumped feeling the pain going through his leg.

\- Never, ever touch me again! Never, ever think of searching for me. - Dan screamed in Kiran's face.

\- Or what, little bitch? You will hit me again? - Kiran asked in annoyed tone.

\- No. - Dan took a step closer to Kiran. - I will report you to police. - Dan said in calm tone.

\- And say what? That i kissed you on the street? - Kiran asked laughing.

\- No, I will tell them about that you raped me and went for underage boys feeding them drugs and using them. I will tell them that you stabbed the dealer and trowed his body in the river. I will tell them your every dirty secret. Cuz remember, that you was quite talkative when you took a little to much drugs and told me a lot of dirty things about you and your past. - Dan simply said in Kiran's face.

\- You won't. - Kiran said without believing Dan.

\- Oh, trust me, I will. You know that I will. - Dan said with evil smile flashing on his lips.

Kiran looked at Dan for couple seconds before speaking.

\- It was nice to meet you, Danny. Good bye. - Kiran said and left in fast peace.

Dan turned around in time to see Phil walking out the cafe.

Phil looked sad and pissed off.

Dan walked to him and give him little smile.

\- Who was that and why did he kissed you? - Phil asked in angry jealous tone.

Dan couldn't help himself and start laughing.

\- You are so cute when you are jealous, You know. - Dan said with laugh.

\- Stop laughing, Howell. Answer. - Phil crossed his arms on his chest waiting for the answers.

\- Okay, okay. don't be so angry. Lets go home and i will tell you everything on our way. - Dan said dropping his smile.

\- No, tell me know! - Phil said getting more angry.

\- Phil, please... - Dan said dropping his mask and letting Phil see how broken Dan looked.

\- Dan... - Phil let his arms fall on his sides.

\- Please, lets go. I really want to be home right now. - Dan said feeling that he starts to shake.

\- Okay, come. - Phil put his arm around Dan and called the taxi because he was afraid that Dan won't survive the underground trip back home.

In the taxi Dan start to shake even more but kept silent looking out the window.

If not Phil's arm around his shoulders, Dan would been broken down.

When they stepped inside home Dan crushed down letting it all out. He screamed resting his head on the floor with tears making his vision blurry.

Phil's heart broke seeing Dan in this state and he felt guilty how angry he acted back at the cafe.

Phil bent down and pulled Dan close to himself wrapping his arms around him.

\- It was Kiran... - Dan cried out into Phil's neck.

\- That Kiran? - Phil asked in silent tone.

\- Yes... He come to visit me... and he kissed me. I could do nothing because my stupid arms isn't working... - Dan sobbed even more.

\- Dan... oh... - Phil pulled Dan even closer.

\- But he won't bother any more. I don't know how, I just stand up straight and pushed it all out... I was thinking of you and these awful nightmares... I don't want him to come close to you, so i stand up... He left... - Dan breath really hard.

\- Oh, Dan. He won't hurt us. He won't. I'm sorry that i was jealous and angry. - Phil said with guilt in his voice.

\- Don't be. I would be jealous too if some strange guy would come and kiss you. - Dan murmured into Phil's neck.

\- I'm sorry anyway. - Phil said kissing Dan on the head.

\- But you were damn sexy when you was jealous. - Dan said cracking a smile and looking up at Phil.

\- I will take that as compliment than. - Phil said with laugh.

\- You should. - Dan said kissing Phil on the lips letting Phil's warmth to wash away all bad memories about Kiran.

And finally after today Dan felt like he have let go of his broken past and Kiran.


	15. Chapter 15

\- Phil, i'm spending day with mom and i don't know if i will be home. - Dan said coming into room.

\- Oh, okay. have fun. - Phil said pecking Dan's lips.

\- You too. - Dan left when his mom arrived.

Phil sit down and start editing their latest videos. He got bored really soon.

Phil looked down at his phone.

He could text Alex and see if he want to hung out. But Dan didn't want them to hung out. But Dan wasn't here and Phil wanted to spend time with good friend of his.

Phil took his phone and text simple "hi" to Alex. He got replay right away.

They text each other for good hour when Phil finally ask Alex if he want to hung out.

\- Of course. I'm on my way. - Alex replay said.

Phil smiled down on his phone and got ready.

Alex was there after 15 mins. He hug Phil in tight hug.

\- I miss you, you know. - Alex murmured right in Phil's ear.

\- I know. - Phil said keeping Alex in his hug.

\- Lets go eat lunch out. after that i think we could grab couple drinks and just hung out here since Dan won't be home. - Alex said opening doors for Phil.

\- Sounds like a plan to me. - He said smiling and hop into Alex car.

Alex joked around and told Phil about his work days.

Phil loved listen how professional but simple Alex was. Phil listen to Alex with loving smile on his lips.

After lunch they drive to store and walk to drink aisle.

\- So, for what drink are you up today? - Alex asked Phil looking around scanning all drinks.

\- Hm... It's been really long time since i last drank anything alcoholic. what would you like to drink? - Phil asked looking back to Alex.

\- Lets take couple different bottles of different drinks and than see. - Alex said with a laugh.

\- Okay. - Phil said with a laugh taking bottle of vodka.

\- Right to clear stuff. - Alex laugh taking couple of different drink bottles.

\- Lets go to pay for these. i think with these 5 bottles it should be enough for today. - Alex said with a laugh paying for drinks.

\- I could pay too, you know. - Phil said taking bag with drinks.

\- I know, but i wanted to. lets go. - Alex said with smile and opened the doors for Phil.

They arrived at the apartment and sit down opening the first bottle.

They talked and drank, and laugh their asses off.

Both having so much fun.

\- so how are things going with Daniel? - Alex asked with smile after they calmed down of long laughing.

\- They are difficult. - Phil let out long breath.

\- You can talk about it with me. - Alex said taking sip of his drink.

\- I know. He is like living in his own bubble. one moment he is loving and sit with me but next he don't let me even come near him. and did i told you that i saw one guy kissing him on the street? i was in shock cuz you know i never thought that Dan could be a cheater. but he is not. He explain everything. That guy was dick. It was all his fault. - Phil blabber obviously drunk.

\- He is hurting you. I hate that. - Alex slur out.

\- I know, you do. - Phil looked deep in Alex eyes.

\- You know that i would never hurt you... - Alex run his hands over Phil's chest getting closer to Phil.

\- I know, that's one of reasons why i like you so much. - Phil slur out with smile on his lips.

\- I love you, Phil. i really do. - Alex murmured in Phil's ear leaning down to kiss his neck.

\- WHAT THE FUCK, PHIL ?! - Dan's voice come really loud right behind Phil.

Phil and Alex looked up with glossy eyes.

\- You said you won't be home... - Phil said in confusion.

\- But i am now. I life here too, you know. what the hell is going on, Phil? Why the hell he is in your lap and is kissing your neck while your shirt is open? - Dan asked in really angry voice.

\- Dan, we just hung out, that's it. - Phil said in calm voice without understanding why Dan is so mad.

\- Hung out? if i ware coming like 5 mins latter, he would have suck you off. 10 mins and he would be fucking you on my fucking couch! - Dan screamed in anger.

\- Nah, I am always top. He always bottom. - Phil laugh without understanding how more mad it made Dan.

Alex sit still in Phil's lap with his hands on Phil's naked chest.

\- Do you even hear what you are saying, Phil ? - Dan screamed.

\- Calm down. It's nothing. - Phil said looking at Dan laying back down on the couch making Alex slump down on top of him.

Alex snuggled his face in Phil's neck without caring about Dan standing right in front of them.

\- Nothing ? It's nothing ? You are cheating in our flat and it's nothing ?! - Dan screamed in anger with hurt in his voice. - I am so done with you. Both of you. - Dan backed off seeing that no Phil no Alex is moving from their position on the couch.

Phil saw hurt expression on Dan's face and tears starting to come in his eyes. Than it all clicked together.

Phil jumped up pushing Alex off him and stumbling to Dan.

\- Dan! I am not cheating. nothing happened. Dan! Danny! - Phil called after Dan.

\- I come in and saw his laying in your lap sicking on your neck with your shirt unbutton. It's not nothing, Phil. - Dan whisper without anger, just hurt.

\- Dan, please. I swear. Nothing would have happened. I would have let it happen. - Phil cried out.

\- Just couple seconds ago you was laying down with him on top of you without understanding my anger. you would let that happen, Phil. admit it. - Dan looked Phil in eyes.

Hurt expression in Dan's eyes killed Phil.

\- Dan, Please ! - Begged Phil.

\- No, Phil... I'm... - Dan took deep breath and closed his eyes. - I'm done. You can be with him... -

\- Dan, I love you - Phil cried.

\- No, Phil. I'm just a friend. You love him. - Dan's voice broke in the end.

Dan turned around so Phil would see how much these words was killing Dan.

He went into his bedroom and closed his doors with his leg without looking back.

He didn't want to see crying Phil.

Dan locked his doors and slid down to them starting to cry.

He knew that this will be the right choice. He knew that he can't make Phil happy, so he need to let him go.

Dan fight every urge to get up and run to Phil saying how much he love him.

Dan lay down letting his cries take away his breath.

On the other side of doors Phil was sitting on the floor crying.

He need to admit that he had feeling for Alex. strong ones. But Phil loved Dan more.

Alex got up and went to kneel down next to Phil.

\- Phil... - He murmured.

\- Please don't... - Phil whispered trying to get his breath.

\- Come, lets get you to bed. He will calm down and you will sleep. you can talk with him tomorrow. - Alex said in soft voice getting Phil up and leading him to bedroom.

Alex felt bad for making Phil like this.

Alex lay Phil down on the bed and pulled covers over him.

\- Sleep. - Alex whisper kissing Phil's forehead.

Phil closed his eyes and sleep took over his body in seconds.

Alex looked down at hurt Phil for couple seconds before leaving.

Phil woke up early and first thing running through his mind was Dan.

He jumped up and run to Dan's room.

Phil spend five minuted to unlock his bedroom door.

Phil rushed inside Dan's room to find Dan laying on the floor.

Dan was really pale. more like in gray color.

Phil kneel down to him and bring him into his lap starting to cry.

Dan's body was cold and his lips was blue. Dark circles under his eyes.

Phil hold him in his arms shivering how cold room was because of open window.

Phil got up and took Dan to his much warmer bedroom.

Phil undress himself and than Dan getting into bed and hugging Dan close to his body.

Soon Dan's lips start to get little pink and not that blue. His body start to get warmer.

Phil run his hands over Dan's body trying to heat it up even faster.

Phil leaned down and press a kiss on Dan's cold lips.

Dan slowly opened his eyes letting out broken sound.

\- Shhh... - Phil whisper and hugged Dan even tighter.

Dan leaned closer to Phil seeking warmth of Phil's body.

\- You are so so stupid. You could have died! - Phil was angry and hurt.

\- Maybe that was my plan... - Dan mumbled starting to cough.

\- I won't let you leave me, you idiot. I fucking love you. And about what happened yesterday, I was bored so i texted Alex. I know you hate when i am with him but he is my friend. he bring up the plan about drinking. I didn't mean for us to actually drink all five bottles. But it happened and we started talking about you and he said something about that he wouldn't hurt me and than he leaned on me and that's it. you come in. Dan, i really wouldn't have let him do anything. I love you and you know that i am not a cheater. Hell, i hate cheating. Dan, and yes, i have feeling for him but i love you more. - Phil said crying.

Dan looked in his eyes with his tired ones.

\- You aren't happy with me, Phil... - He whisper.

\- I am, Dan, you bring so much joy in me. Yes, now we have hard times but they are so we could get only stronger and love each other more. Every day waking up next to you is like a gift. I am happy with you. more than happy. Please understand it. - Phil said looking down in Dan's eyes.

Dan start to cry in press himself closer to Phil's hot body shivering.

\- I love you, Dan. I love you. - Phil murmured in Dan's ear keeping his arms around Dan's skeleton like body.


	16. Chapter 16

Dan didn't talk about what happened that evening with Phil and Alex. And Phil didn't push him.

Phil loved spending time with Dan. seeing how Dan trow his head back laughing. see his eyes shine.

Dan start to spend more time with Phil again with Alex words still in his mind.

* _flashback*_

 _Dan lay down on the floor without being able to breath. The door suddenly open._

 _Alex kneel down next to Dan._

 _\- Look, I know that this is my fault. I love Phil. I really do. - Alex said sitting down._

 _\- Then go for him. Go get him. Be with him. - Dan gasped to breath._

 _\- Breath slowly. And no, Phil is hurting. He want you and only you. I understand that i was just a distraction of his problems. He love you so deeply. It takes only you to turn around and he is already on his knees begging for you. He will never feel like that for me. - Alex let out shaky breath._

 _Dan looked at him with surprised eyes._

 _\- So i am saying that you need to be with him. I wont mess between you two anymore. It will only hurt Phil and i don't want that. I want him to be happy. So i am letting him go. Please treat him like something special. because he is. Don't let him down. - Alex stand up._

 _Dan followed him with his eyes._

 _\- Please take care of him. and love him with all your existence. - Alex said before going away._

 _*end of flashback*_

\- I love you - Dan said with light kiss on Phil's cheek.

\- I love you too baby. - Phil answered with big big smile on his lips.

Dan sit up and kiss Phil fully on lips. Phil answered deepening the kiss.

They fell back on bed with Phil on top of Dan.

Phil kept kissing Dan deep and long.

Dan opened his mouth allowing Phil to take the lead.

Phil's hands travel around Dan's fragile body making Dan take in sharp breaths.

Phil kiss down Dan's neck making Dan to trow his head back allowing Phil more flesh to kiss and bite.

Finally Phil found that one right spot and bite down making sure to leave deep mark there.

Dan let out loud moan trying to get control back over his body.

Phil smiled and kept kissing Dan's neck sliding his hands under Dan's shirt feeling cool flesh and ribs that stand out a little.

Phil sit and take Dan's shirt off scanning his body under his own.

\- You are so beautiful... - Phil said leaning down to kiss Dan.

Dan tried to shut off his thoughts that keep coming with waves.

Phil lean down more and start kissing his way down Dan's chest and flat stomach.

He was ready to take Dan's sweet pants off when Dan suck in sudden sharp breath.

\- Phil... - He tried to speak.

\- Sh... it's okay. - Phil said kissing Dan's hip bones sliding his hands down a little bit more.

\- Phil! No! Please! - Dan scream out.

\- Little patient, Danny. - Phil said with light laugh trowing Dan's sweet pants off his long legs.

\- Phil... Please, stop... please... I can't... - Dan cried out making Phil to stop in his tracks.

\- D...did i do something wrong...? - Phil asked scared.

\- Just stop... I can't... - Dan looked away wanting to cover his body.

\- Dan... what did i do? - Phil asked trying to get Dan to look at him.

Dan stayed silent while tears made it's way down his cheeks soaking the pillow under his head.

Phil got off of Dan and sit down next to him looking at how broken Dan looked. It broke Phil's heart knowing that he put Dan in such a state.

\- Dan... could you please speak to me... ? - Phil asked with his voice shaking.

\- I just can't, Phil. I can't. - Dan looked at Phil.

\- Can't what? - Phil asked with tears in his eyes.

\- Look at me! Look how damned my body is! - Dan shouted sitting straight.

\- Dan... - Phil started but was cut off short by Dan.

\- I can't feel my arms. I can't move them. I can't touch you, Phil. I just can't. - Dan let his head fall down.

Phil stayed silent waiting for Dan to continue.

\- I don't want it to be like that... I want to touch you, to please you... I want it to be perfect, Phil. I want to give you perfect first time with me... But this, this is awful. It will be like just pleasing me. I don't want it like that. I want to do it when i will be able to touch and hug you. To feel your body fully with mine... - Dan let tears fall down on his pale hands in his lap. - And i know that i can never happen... - He whisper the last part more to himself than to Phil and let out silent sob.

\- Oh, Dan... - Phil inch closer to Dan and bring him in his lap and tight hug. - I don't care that you can't put your arms around me while we do that. All i care is that you are here with me and that we love each other. Oh, my little baby with his perfection. - Phil let out small, sad laugh.

\- But i want it to feel complete... - Dan said looking into Phil's eyes.

\- I know you do. You always want it. And okay. I don't care how long i will need to wait, I will wait till you will be ready and will want this. - Phil said with a smile.

\- Phil, You have no idea how much i want this right now, how much i would love to fuck you till you don't feel your own legs. - Dan laugh out loud making Phil laugh too.

\- You just give me such a beautiful mental imagine. - Phil said leaning down to kiss Dan's lips.

\- I allow you to jerk off with that imagine playing on your head. And don't forget to scream my name when you come. - Dan said teasing.

\- That's enough - Phil said laughing.

\- You can't deny that you will do it - Dan said laughing loud.

\- Oh, shut up. - Phil said looking down at Dan with loving eyes. - I love you. -

\- I love you too. - Dan said with smile on his lips.


	17. Chapter 17

\- Phil... Phil... - Soft voice wake Phil up.

\- m? - Phil hum feeling tired.

\- Please wake up. Phil. - Dan's pleading voice made Phil to open his eyes.

Room was still deep in dark. Only light from moon made little parts of room visible. Moon light was shining tight across Dan's face making him look really pale and his eyes pools of darkness. But his skin was shining like ice that start to cover with light snow.

\- I'm up, i'm up. what's wrong? - Phil asked sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

\- I wan't to show you something. come. - Dan said standing up and going to the door.

\- Dan, wait! - Phil said jumping out of bed trowing some clothes on and rushing behind Dan.

\- It's okay, Phil. - Dan give Phil little beautiful smile that made Phil melt right there.

\- You are so beautiful... - Phil breath out.

\- Thank you, baby. please take blanket with you. It's cold outside. - Dan said before turning around and going to the door.

\- Okay...? but where are we going? and why are we going outside? - Phil asked taking the blanket in one hand and opening the doors with his other hand.

\- Oh, I am taking you to a date. - Dan said flashing Phil bright smile making butterflies in Phil's stomach flutter.

\- In the night? - Phil asked with smile on his lips.

\- Of course. The best time. now, come. - Dan said leading Phil to their destination.

They come out to the roof opening. All city bellow them living their own life.

Phil took deep breath looking around taking in how amazing everything look.

How city lights play around with colors. How lampposts light up parks making them look even more special and willing.

\- Baby, look up not down. - Dan whisper in Phil ear making him shiver.

He didn't saw Dan coming to stand so close next to him.

Phil look up to see clear night sky full of shining stars.

\- Will you lay down with me? - Dan asked little bit nervous all of sudden.

\- Of course, Dan. - Phil lay down the blanket and helped Dan to lay down first taking in how beautiful his boyfriend looked simply laying down on the blanket with moon light crushing over him.

Dan smiled up to Phil admiring how beautiful Phil looked upon all the stars shining behind him and all around him.

Phil lay down without breaking eye contact with Dan.

Little smiles playing on their lips right before crashing them together.

Kiss was soft and full of love. Innocence.

When they broke apart Dan looked up at the starts making Phil do the same.

They lay there simply looking at the stars enjoying cool night.

\- When i first met you i was scared that it all will be one big joke... - Dan broke the silence after some time making Phil look at him.

But Dan kept his look up on the stars.

\- But then you invite me to be your roommate. I believed that moment that you really want me in your life. - Dan took deep breath.

Phil stay silent wanting Dan to continue. And Dan did.

\- Even in the start, even before we had met in person, i knew that i was falling in love with you. And falling hard. So when i actually met you and we made that first video, I knew that i have sold my soul and heart to you. There was no way out of it. And since than every day i have fallen even deeper and deeper. - Dan stopped to take deep breath again. - The way falling wasn't smooth. I have cut myself so many times. But after every cut i still let you take little bits with you. And i broke when there was someone else. I broke every time you looked at someone else with love. I broke when you called me simple friend. Cuz all i wanted was to be your lover, your everything. - Dan said with shaking voice. - But what i felt didn't matter. You and your feelings matter the most for me. I was ready to die just so you could be happy and free. I still am. - Dan finish with single tear running down his cheek.

\- Oh, Dan... - Phil let out soft sob and trow his arms around Dan's trembling body.

\- I am so sorry, Phil. I love you so much... - Dan let his tears run down into Phil's sweater.

\- It's okay, baby. I'm sorry. I should have told you in the start that i am falling in love with you and that i want you to be mine. I love you so so much, my little broken angel. I love you with every atom in my body. - Phil whisper in Dan's hair letting his own tears run down his cheeks.

Dan tilt his head and crush his lips against Phil's soft ones.

Phil deepen the kiss bringing all his love into it to make Dan feel how much he love him.

Dan was breathless from the kiss but he didn't break apart from it so he kept it going making himself feel dizzy with every second.

\- Breath... - Phil whisper breaking the kiss and kissing Dan's cheeks.

Dan took in deep and sharp breaths seeking even more of Phil.

He kissed down Phil's neck, sucking and nibbling on his soft spot making Phil let out soft moan that send shivers down Dan's spine.

Phil lay back down letting Dan lay on top of him giving him more aces to his neck.

Dan make sure to leave big bruise that won't go away for days if not weeks.

Dan sit up looking over his work with proud smile on his lips.

Phil loved seeing the little sparkles inside Dan's eyes.

\- Come down here, i want to kiss you again, my star boy. - Phil bring Dan down with big smile playing on his lips.

\- I love you - Dan whisper right before they lips met.

\- And I love you, Dan. - Phil whisper back letting their lips touch in soft kiss.


	18. Chapter 18

Dan have fallen asleep cuddle up to Phil while watching stars shine in front of them.

Phil loved how beautiful this date have come out.

Feeling Dan's heartbeats against his own below the stars made Phil melt in happiness.

Phil looked down to see softly sleeping Dan with his eyes close and lashes long covering his cheek bones trowing shades all around his eyes.

Moon light made Dan look like porcelain shining with little shades in right places making him look even more beautiful.

Breath taking.

Phil looked how soft autumn wind played with Dan's hair making them cute mess.

Phil smiled down at the boy sleeping in his arms.

How many nights he have spend wishing for this?

How many days he have spend wishing to show it all?

And now he had it.

Just in a little twisted way.

Phil was still upset about the state Dan was in but he was happy that he could call Dan his.

Phil bent down and kissed Dan's soft lips.

Phil slowly removed Dan from himself that was easy since Dan couldn't wrap his arms around Phil.

He looked around to see sleepless city down below.

Phil carefully picked Dan up putting blanket around his thin body.

Dan let out small breath and snuggle his face closer to Phil's neck making him smile.

Phil carry Dan back to their flat happy about Dan getting heavier again that meant that Dan is getting healthy again.

Phil put sleeping Dan down in his bed and start slowly to undress Dan from his clothes.

When Phil was done he place all clothes on the chair next to bed and undress himself too leaving only shirt and boxers on.

\- Take shirt off too. - Dan's raspy sleeping voice made it's way to Phil making him jump.

\- Dan! You scared me. - Phil said placing his hand over his running heart.

\- Sorry, i kinda wake up when you start to undress me. - Dan said with small yawn.

\- Oh, i'm sorry... i just thought that you will feel more comfortable sleeping in just boxers... - Phil said looking down feeling nervous.

\- Phil, it's okay. - Dan said in soft voice making Phil look up to see Dan smile. - So now take that shirt off and continue the show for me. -

Dan laugh making Phil laugh too.

\- Oh, so you have been watching how I undress myself? - Phil said putting his hands on his hips trying to fight his smile but failing.

\- Why not? Can't i watch my sexy boyfriend getting rid of his clothes and allow flesh show? - Dan asked in teasing voice.

\- Of course you can. - Phil said with smile slowly running his hands over his own chest making Dan's eyes shine.

Phil let his hands run over his own chest than slid under his shirt finally taking it off and putting it on top of other clothes.

Phil looked back at Dan seeing his eyes follow every Phil's movement.

Phil felt hot inside.

He didn't even notice his hand sliding down his body again sliding over his now growing erection.

He pushed his hand away feeling blush find it's way in his cheeks with embarrassment.

\- No, don't be embarrassed. - Dan speak up before Phil could turn away. - Continue, please... -

Phil's head shout up hearing Dan's words.

\- W.. what? - Phil asked without believing what he just heard.

\- Continue... of course if you want... - Dan bite his bottom lip.

Phil was left without words seeing how Dan chew on his bottom lip and hearing him ask for such a thing.

Phil let his hand slid down over his clothed erection.

Dan's eyes followed every Phil's movement.

Phil let his hand rub his member through boxers feeling good sensation making him let out small moan.

\- Oh, please take them off already. - Dan said sounding little annoyed.

\- Some one is impatient. - Phil said in teasing voice slowly pushing his boxers down expanding his skin inch by inch.

Dan licked his lips seeing fully erected Phil standing right in front of him.

Phil looked how Dan suck his bottom lip in when Phil let his hand slide over his dick and that was all it take for Phil to trow himself running to Dan.

Dan was happy to crush their lips together in such harsh kiss.

Phil bite Dan's bottom lip making Dan moan into his mouth.

Phil push his tongue inside Dan's mouth exploring it.

They was left breathless gasping for air.

\- Not such a big tease in the end, huh? - Dan let out small laugh.

\- You are too sexy for me to stay away from you. - Phil murmured kissing down Dan's neck. - and you have always been the tease not me. -

\- That is true. I love teasing you. - Dan said bucking his hips up to make Phil feel that Dan have got fully erected.

Phil up and without warning rip Dan's boxers off loving the sight he saw right in front of him.

Fully naked Dan.

Dan knew that Phil can't see much because it was still dark in the room but still, he felt nervous and feel the want to cover his exposed body.

Phil saw Dan's reaction and bend down to kiss him.

\- It's okay. I love you no matter how you look. - Phil whisper kissing Dan.

\- I love you too, Phil... - Dan whisper back.

Phil continue the kiss slowly laying back down but this time on top of Dan making their members touch making them both let out soft moans.

Phil slowly moved his hips up and down a bit seeing Dan's eyes closed in pleasure.

\- Fuck... - He let out pushing his hips up wanting more.

Phil kept moving their hips together putting them both in big pleasure.

\- Phil... Fuck... - Dan bite his lip so hard that he made the skin break.

\- Sh... - Phil bent down and start to suck on Dan's neck making him moan louder.

\- I can't... Phil, I can't... - Dan cried out, - It's too much...! -

Phil smiled down at Dan softly kissing his now bleeding lips starting to go faster to push Dan over the soft edge.

Dan arched his back and cried out Phil's name cumming on both their chest.

The sight it self send Phil over the edge too moaning Dan's name.

Phil rub them together through the aftershock.

Dan opened his mouth to speak but Phil kissed him softly running his hands over Dan's hot body.

Phil felt something wet touch his cheeks.

when he opened his eyes he saw Dan crying under him.

\- Dan... I... - Phil sounded scared.

Did he push Dan too far?

Did he hurt him?

Did he do something wrong?

\- Phil... your hands... where are your hands...? - Dan sobbed out making Phil confused.

\- On your arms... what's wrong, Dan? Please talk to me, you are scaring me. - Phil said really scared making Dan only cry harder.

\- Arms... - Dan sobbed louder.

\- What's wrong? I don't care that you can't put them around me right now, baby. it's okay. - Phil said kissing Dan's tears away.

\- No... My arms... - Dan shake his head. - I felt something... on my arms... -

\- W... What? - Phil asked without believing what he is hearing.

\- Please run your hands over my arms again... please... i think that i felt something when you did it... - Dan said looking straight at Phil's eyes.

Phil run his hands over Dan's arms and when his hands touch the bandage free skin he saw Dan gasped with tears starting to run down his cheeks even faster.

\- Do you feel it? - Phil asked carefully.

\- Yes... yes... not fully, but i feel that your hands are warm... - Dan said through tears.

Dan's words made Phil start to cry too.

\- Oh, baby! That is amazing! - Phil sit up pulling Dan into tight hug.

Dan push his face into Phil's neck.

\- I said that it will be alright. - Phil whisper into Dan's ear running his hands over Dan's back calming way.

Dan stayed silent enjoying what just have happened till small yawn slipped past his cut lip.

\- You are tired, baby. you need to sleep. Let me clean us and than lets go to sleep. - Phil said standing up from Dan's lap to take cleaning wipes.

Dan lay down allowing Phil to clean all the mess they made away from their bodies.

Dan watch Phil getting into bed next to him with his blue eyes shining in the dark.

\- Thank you... - Dan whisper inching little closer to Phil.

\- I love you. - Phil said pulling Dan into his arms and kissing his bruised lips.

\- I love you more... - Dan murmured with another yawn escaping his lips.

Phil let their eyes fall shut and sleep take over their tired bodies.


	19. Chapter 19

Dan couldn't believe what actually happened last night.

first the date he come up with went really good.

He missed these little simple moments spending with Phil.

Than all the unexpected sexual things that happened.

Dan was a little bit shocked that he actually let it all go it all way because who is he kidding, he is fucking scared.

After his past relationships he is scared to actually go all way with a man.

He know that Phil will never do such a thing to him but Dan still couldn't shake it off.

And when somewhere between trowing himself over edge he actually felt Phil touch his arms, it was just unbelievable.

Dan felt how Phil's soft hands slid over his arm scared skin, how hot his hands felt against Dan's skin.

Dan was laying in bed next to Phil with Phil's arms trow tightly around Dan's waist and Phil's head on his chest.

Dan took couple deep breaths and tried to move his fingers.

Left hand first.

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five...

Nothing.

Right hand.

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five...

Nothing.

Dan took one more deep breath holding it in.

He tried one more time.

Left hand.

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five...

Nothing.

Right hand.

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five...

Nothing.

Dan let out breath he was holding in feeling hot sensation in his eyes.

He bite in his already cut lip making it bleed once again.

Dan didn't want to cry.

Not over his own mistakes.

He was tired of that.

Dan took couple deep breaths fighting the tears.

Phil slowly tilted his head with messy after sex/bed hair looking straight in Dan's glowing eyes.

Phil's eyes was shining with love that made Dan let go of his bleeding lip and first hot tear slip down his cheek.

\- Baby... what's wrong? - Phil asked in his sleepy voice trying to make it sound softer that it actually was.

Dan couldn't speak right now.

He trow his body against Phil's naked one and let all tears to run free.

\- Sh... baby... shh... it's okay... i'm here. I am with you. I am with you. - Phil whisper into Dan's ear running one hand through his messy bed hair.

Dan felt his body start to shake and press closer to Phil.

He inhale deeply Phil's calming scent.

Dan opened his lips slightly and start to kiss Phil's neck taking Phil by surprise.

Dan start to suck and bite down Phil's neck making sure to leave at least one love bite in place where everyone would see it.

Phil let Dan to calm down in his own way tilting his head back allowing Dan better aces to his neck.

Dan kissed down and bite softly over Phil's collarbone leaving little light marks.

Dan kissed his way down softly biting Phil's hipbone leaving little bruise there too.

When Dan kiss closer to Phil's dick, Phil stopped him cupping Dan's face in his hands making him look back up at Phil.

\- Baby, no. You are crying. I don't want you to do it just because you are upset. - Phil pushed Dan's hair back looking deep in his eyes.

\- I'm sorry... - Dan whisper in broken voice.

\- It's okay. - Phil hugged Dan closer to his chest.

\- I made myself upset... I tried to move my fingers... but... but... - Dan let out broken sob that made Phil's heart ache.

\- You need time for that. We will make it work. We will. - Phil said in confident voice making Dan to believe him.

\- Thank you... - Dan whisper looking back up.

\- Always. - Phil kissed Dan on lips softly.

\- I smear my blood all around you with my stupid cut lip... - Dan let out small laugh.

\- Oh, you're right. That is calling for shower. - Phil laugh looking all around his body.

\- Okay. - Dan lay back down in the bed.

\- What are you doing? - Phil asked standing up making Dan's eyes run over his perfect pale body.

\- What you think i am doing? laying down to wait till you will finish your shower. - Dan answered still allowing his eyes run all over Phil's beautiful body.

\- Yeah, right. Did you enjoy the view? Now stand up and let's go. You are taking shower with me. Need to save water. - Phil said going to the bathroom.

Dan felt little smile start to play on his lips and jump up running after Phil.

Phil wait till water will be in perfect temperature and than let Dan stepped in the shower first getting in right after.

Dan stand facing Phil letting water run over them both taking in how beautiful Phil is.

It look like Phil was doing the same because after couple seconds just staring at each other Phil cupped Dan's face in his hands and kiss him slowly but deeply with his soft lips making Dan melt right away.

Dan let Phil wash them both enjoying every second of it.

After that they get out.

Phil put towel around his own waist and put other one around Dan's waist making him smile.

\- Sit down, please. I will clean your arms and see if you still need these bandages. - Phil said searching for everything what was needed.

Dan sit down without saying a word, just this time when Phil start to work around Dan's arms Dan didn't look away, he watch every movement Phil made.

\- It all look really good. I think we could go to the doctor tomorrow to take out all the stitches. It all look really good healed, baby. I am so proud of you. - Phil said with smile on his lips finishing everything with Dan's arms.

\- Proud? are you serious? - Dan asked in kinda rude tone making Phil look up.

\- Don't be rude against me, young man. Yes, i am proud of you, because these scars show that you are strong. That you are fighter. I am proud and you being rude won't change that. - Phil stand up cleaning up everything.

\- I'm sorry... - Dan let out under his breath feeling taken a back by Phil's words.

\- It's okay. I am just a little upset that you think so low of yourself, Dan. I wish that you could see yourself the way i see you. even if just for couple seconds. - Phil let out tired breath and run hand through his own hair starting to dry them fully.

Dan sit there without even saying a word.

Does Phil really see the whole different, whole better person in Dan?

It was hard to believe.

Dan still hated himself but he need to admit that he really is a fighter.

So many years of wishing for death but still staying here fighting all the shits being trow at him.

Maybe Dan should look at his scars a different way?

In the way Phil saw them?

It was unbelievable how much Phil could change Dan's mind with just saying what he really though.

Phil have always been Dan's ray of sunshine.

One of million reasons why Dan loved him so much.


	20. Chapter 20

Dan was starting to get annoyed by everyone in the hospital. Some child was crying near them making Dan's head pound. And the smell. It was awful.

\- Dan, please calm down a bit. - Phil's soft voice made Dan look over at the man sitting closely next to him on the uncomfortable hospital chairs.

Dan let out long breath closing his eyes.

\- It will be alright. - Phil whisper to Dan.

Dan felt little calmer when Phil was speaking to him. Phil's voice was calming him down.

\- Daniel Howell? - Doctor spoke opening the door.

\- Here. - Dan let out standing up with Phil.

\- Come inside. - Doctor went back inside with Dan and Phil following.

\- Please sit down. We will take out your stitches. - Doctor said coming to look on Dan's arms.

Dan was looking at Phil across the room starting to doze off.

Phil have put on t-shirt with v neck showing couple of light marks that Dan have left night before.

Dan loved to see Phil showing everyone that he is someones. That he is Dan's.

Cold sensation made Dan jump a little bit back looking down on his arms.

\- So, i guess, you did feel it? - Doctor asked holding little ice cube in his fingers.

\- Yeah... - Dan was little bit confused.

He saw Phil flashing him little smile.

Doctor slid little ice cube across Dan's arm making Dan look with confused eyes.

He felt the cold sliding over his arm. seeping into his skin and soon in veins.

He liked the feeling. It remind him of something. He just didn't know of what. yet.

\- You should do this at least one or two times a day to start get your reflex back. To waken up your sleeping nerves. - Doctor said going to sit by his desk.

Dan nod standing up ready to leave.

\- Here is your pills that you need to continue to take twice a day. - Doctor hold small bottle full of tiny pills inside it.

Dan looked at them without making any move.

\- For your mental stability. - Doctor add.

Dan start to get mad but before he got a chance to say any rude remark Phil take the bottle with small "thank" and push Dan out the door.

\- I won't take any fucking pills. - Dan hiss.

\- Dan, stop it. - Phil said opening every door for Dan till the get to the cab.

Dan stayed silent waiting to get back home so he could lock himself inside his room.

Dan was pissed and he didn't know why.

He just was.

Dan felt something warm touch his fingers making him look down just to see Phil's pale fingers lay on top of his.

He looked up to see Phil looking out the window without paying any attention.

Dan looked back out the window trying to get more of the warm he felt from Phil's fingers.

While they get back to apartment Dan have calmed down a bit.

He didn't want to start an argument with Phil. He wanted the good moments with him. playful like they were back in the bed.

\- What are you thinking about? - Phil asked taking of Dan's jacket.

\- You. - Dan said looking deep in his eyes.

\- What about me? - Phil asked casually taking of his and Dan's shoes.

\- How playful you was back in bedroom. - Dan said looking down at Phil making him look up.

They eyes met and they stay staring at each other for little moment.

Phil stand up putting arm around Dan's still thin waist, pushing him closer to his own body.

Dan let out little smile of that movement.

\- Did you like it that much? - Phil asked still looking straight in Dan's eyes.

\- O yes. Specially little strip show you did. - Dan said with big smirk on his face.

\- Oh, shut up. - Phil pushed Dan away playfully.

\- Admit that you enjoyed it just as much as i did. - Dan's smirk grew bigger.

\- What will you want for dinner? - Phil asked trying to change the topic going to the living room.

\- You. - Dan followed Phil.

\- Dan, i'm serious. - Phil said with smile on his lips.

\- Me too. - Dan stopped behind Phil making sure to be close enough for Phil to feel Dan's hot breath on his neck.

\- Dan... - Phil let out closing his eyes.

\- Phil. - Dan said brushing his lips against Phil's neck.

\- Dan... - Phil let out long breath fighting himself.

He really wanted to just push Dan down on the couch and fuck him but he couldn't. not right now.

But Dan kept putting small kissed on Phil's neck making it all harder.

\- Dan, i really want to push you down on that couch and fuck you really hard right now, but that wouldn't be the best thing to do right now. - Phil let out through gritted teeth making Dan's eyes wide.

\- Didn't know that you can talk dirty and like rough stuff... - Dan said still little taken aback.

\- I'm not much of dirty talker. - Phil said sitting down pulling Dan into his lap.

Phil looked into Dan's wide open eyes knowing that he is shocking Dan with talking about things like this.

\- Don't be so surprised. I am a man and I too can talk about sex. - Phil said letting out small laugh.

\- Yeah, i know. i'm just not used to it. - Dan said liking to sit into Phil's lap.

\- I know. I know. - Phil said leaning back against the couch.

\- So, But do you like the rough stuff? - Dan asked recovering and putting on big smirk on his lips.

\- Oh, shut up already. - Phil groaned.

\- You do. Oh my, Phil Lester like it rough. - Dan said with his smirk only growing bigger.

\- Stop it. now. - Phil hiss.

\- Or what? You will pin me down to bed and fuck me till i don't feel a damn thing? - Dan asked leaning closer.

\- I could. but no. - Phil answered leaning closer to Dan so their lips was just couple inches apart.

\- Why not? - Dan asked looking down on Phil's lips.

\- Because that is not my thing. - Phil leaned back against the cough making Dan's smirk turn into frown.

\- You are such a tease. - Dan was ready to stand up but Phil's hands on his hips didn't let him do that.

\- Just for you. - Phil said with a big smile.

\- Dick. - Dan murmured.

\- You wish. - Phil let out big laugh making Dan turn little annoyed.

\- don't get annoyed. you are really moody. - Phil said in calm voice slowly kissing Dan's cheek.

Dan knew that Phil was right. He was really moody and that wasn't good.

Maybe he really should drink these pills that doctor give him?

Dan didn't know. He lay down on Phil's chest closing his eyes listening to his calming heart beat.


	21. Chapter 21

\- All my life you stood by me when no one else was there... -

\- Baby, you're my only reason... -

\- As long as you love me nobody can drag me down... -

\- I got fire for heart... -

\- Nothing left... -

Phil heard soft singing through his sleep. He didn't know where it come from but it was so beautiful. so heartbreaking.

Phil opened his eyes to see where it come from.

\- nobody, nobody can drag me down... -

where it come from?

\- you love me... you love me... -

Phil got up and walked out his room.

soft piano sounds led him to Dan's room.

He looked inside to see Dan sitting to his piano singing softly and hitting keys with his bare foot.

Phil just stand there and watched how calm Dan looked.

He knew how playing piano calm Dan down.

And it was so beautiful.

Phil loved when Dan played his piano.

Suddenly Dan stopped and turned around making Phil jump a little.

\- Good morning. - Phil let out small smile and went closer to Dan.

\- Morning. - Dan looked out the window.

\- What's wrong? - Phil was now standing between Dan's legs.

Dan looked up at Phil and got lost in soft blue that was Phil's eyes.

\- Nothing, I just couldn't sleep. How did you sleep? - Dan didn't break eye contact he knew will drive Phil crazy.

\- Good. I love hearing you playing piano. It's always so beautiful and calming. - Phil said leaning down closer to Dan.

Dan didn't waste any time and crash his lips against Phil's soft ones.

Phil answered his kiss and let his hands travel into Dan's soft hair.

\- I have something to show you... - Dan whisper through kiss.

\- mhm... - Phil mumbled and kept kissing Dan.

He never got enough of that boy. He loved him so much.

Phil felt small brush against his crotch area and that made him break the sweet kiss and look down.

Dan was smiling like crazy.

His bony fingers was brushing over Phil's crotch making Phil's eyes to open wide.

\- You can move your fingers! - Phil screamed little bit too loud.

\- Oh my, Phil! No need to scream in my ear. - Dan said letting his hand fall back down between them.

\- Sorry, just that's so amazing! - Phil took Dan's hand in his and kissed every knuckle.

\- That tickle. - Dan let out small lough.

\- I'm so so happy! what a good morning! - Phil said pulling Dan into a bear hug.

\- Phil! - Dan was lost of breath.

\- Oh, sorry. - Phil let hug lose a bit but didn't let go of Dan.

\- I think that I will need to work out with all my body not just arms. or you will crush me one day. - Dan murmured loving to feel Phil's arms around his thin body.

\- I won't crush you. You just need to get some meat on your bones. that's all. - Phil said still holding Dan into hug.

Dan stiffen and sit back down.

\- My body form is okay. I don't need to get any fatter than I already am. - Dan snapped at Phil.

All good mood was gone.

Phil was getting tired of all the mood changes.

\- You really should drink these pills doctor give you... - Phil said in sad note and left the room.

\- Of course! Run away from fat druggie I am! Fuck it! - Dan screamed after Phil making tears run to Phil's eyes.

Phil was so tired of it all.

He liked playful Dan better. But now he was gone and Phil had no idea when he will be back.

Phil crush down into his bed and let tears run.

He felt so tired.

He understand that it's not Dan's fault that he was so broken but it just hurt Phil so much.

He was just tired.

\- Philly...? - Dan's soft voice whisper next to his ear.

\- Just let it go, Dan. I'm too tired for you to snap at me. - Phil mumbled in broken voice.

\- I'm sorry... I didn't want to hurt you... I... - Dan take deep breath, - I just still have problems of seeing my body the way other see it, I'm still stuck in the eating disorder I was in for long time. I am trying hard to see myself the way you see me but it's hard and when some jokes come out i break down, I lose it all and slip back. I have hated myself for too long to be able to love myself right a way. But i am trying my hardest for you... - It sound that Dan was on the edge of tears.

\- I am so so sorry that I hurt you... Please don't cry... - Dan said with his voice breaking.

Phil turned around too look at Dan through the blur that come from tears.

Dan was standing there smaller than ever. So scared and breakable.

Phil pulled him into hug and put his face between his neck and shoulder.

Dan climb into his lap to be closer to Phil and tried his hardest to move his arms closer to Phil's body.

His left hand dropped right on Phil's crotch making them both laugh.

\- Can't stop touching me even in situation like this? - Phil asked laughing out loud.

\- Nah, you're to sexy. - Dan laugh back and kissed Phil on lips.

\- Oh, you are driving me crazy, you know that? - Phil asked putting his forehead against Dan's.

\- Of course. But you love me too strong. or maybe you love my dick but still love me. - Dan said laughing.

\- Oh, yes, yes, your dick is just like candy to me. And that sexy ass. - Phil said gripping Dan's ass making Dan jump in surprise.

\- I will never get used to dirty talking Phil. - Dan said starting to laugh.

\- Was that even dirty? I didn't say how I would love to push my way inside that juicy ass and than fuck you till you scream out my name in pleasure. - Phil whisper into Dan's ear making him shudder.

\- Phil, you are making me hard. - Dan let out pushing himself closer to Phil.

\- Oh, am I? didn't notice. was too cough up in my thoughts about what I could do to that sexy ass. - Phil slid his hands over Dan's ass.

\- Phil... - Dan breath out.

\- Yes? Do you want anything, Danny? - Phil asked in innocent voice.

\- Yes! Hell, yes! I want you to pin me down to bed and fuck me. - Dan needed to feel some friction against his now rock hard dick.

\- Oh, let me think. I can't now. It's time to go eat breakfast. - Phil said moving his hands away from Dan's ass knowing that he is making Dan crazy with all this teasing.

\- Damn, Phil! You can't do that! - Dan let out in frustration.

\- I can. - Phil put small kiss on Dan's cheek starting to stand up.

\- No! Fuck, no! - Dan screamed in sudden anger and pushed Phil down on to bed making them both surprised.

Dan's hands was pushed against Phil's chest. His eyes wide open in fear and surprise of what he just did.

Phil was surprised too. Dan just used his arms for the first time. without even understanding it.

Dan was looking down at his arms.

It looked that he will break down in any second.

\- My strong boy. - Phil said pulling Dan down on top of him and kissing him hard to make Dan calm down.

\- I... I... - Dan tried to speak.

\- Sh... just kiss me. - Phil pushed one hand into Dan's hair and other to hold him close to his chest.

Dan answered Phil's kiss calming down almost straight away.

Phil was happy that his plan how to calm Dan down worked. He didn't want Dan to freak out and than break down.

\- I love you so much... - Phil whisper pushing his hips up making sure to brush his hard on against Dan's hard on.

-I love you more... - Dan let out small moan.

They kept kissing each other for couple more mins.

Dan moved his hips harder to feel Phil.

Suddenly Phil pushed Dan of off him softly putting him next to him.

\- Wha...? - Dan didn't get to finish his sentence when Phil pulled off his boxers and trowed them away doing the same thing with his.

\- Can't leave my needy baby hard. - Phil said sitting back down in the bed. - Come here. - Phil pulled Dan into his lap.

\- what...? - Dan was a little bit confused.

\- It will be more comfortable like this. trust me. - Phil said pulling Dan back into soft but needy kiss.

Dan trusted Phil fully. Always.

And when Phil's hand slid between them and grip them both starting to pump their hard on's together all confusion was gone.

Dan moaned into Phil mouth making Phil moan too.

\- I need you so much... - Dan was murmuring while Phil's hand started to move faster getting them closer to the edge.

Phil put his lips against Dan's neck and bite and suck there hitting Dan's soft spot making Dan moan out loud.

\- Phil... Fuck! Phil! - Dan moaned out ready to be trowed over that sweet edge.

Only hearing Dan was enough for Phil to fall over that edge.

\- Dan! - He moaned out griping them both tighter and making them both come in the same time.

It felt so good that they both moaned together brushing together through aftershock.

soon they fall back down into pillows panting hard but finding each other lips and connecting them into sweet sloppy kiss.

when they have calmed down Phil looked down and saw the mess they made between each other.

\- Look what a mess we have created. - He said with small laugh.

\- You started it after all. But i loved it. - Dan said kissing Phil one more time.

\- Let's get into shower to clean us up. - Phil said ready to get up.

\- Phil? can we talked about what happened? - Dan asked in somehow scared voice.

\- What? we jerked off together making sexy mess between us. - Phil said putting small kiss to Dan's forehead.

\- You know that i wasn't talking about that but how i pushed you down... - Dan said looking up at Phil.

\- It can happen when you get a lot of adrenaline running through your body. It's nothing wrong, baby. And don't worry, you didn't hurt me. You just surprised us both with that. - Phil said pushing Dan's hair back from his forehead.

\- I didn't even think about doing it. it just happened. i felt angry and... and needy... and it just... - Dan was stumbling over words.

\- It's okay, baby. It's normal. And look what beautiful end it give us. - Phil said with smile kissing Dan slowly.

\- Yeah... - Dan breathed out letting Phil's kiss to overcome him.

\- But now we need shower. and oh my, how hungry i am. - Phil laughed making Dan laugh too.


	22. Chapter 22

\- Phillip! - Dan couldn't stop laughing.

\- That was an accident ! - Phil couldn't stop laughing himself.

\- Phil just spilled his coffee all over the table and himself. So well, I guess that's the end of this video. See you all latter. - Dan started laughing again just by looking at wet Phil.

Phil clicked to end the video and saved it to edit it latter.

He was so happy that Dan wanted to film new gaming video for their youtube channel.

\- I am all wet now, glad that it wasn't hot anymore. - Phil stand up looking down on his wet pants.

\- Just take them off. - Dan said with a smirk playing on his lips.

\- You wish. I'm gonna take a quick shower and than we are having lunch. Choose whatever you want. - Phil put small kiss to Dan's cheek before rushing to bathroom to get these sticky, wet pants off of himself.

When Phil come back wrapped just in towel he find Dan sitting in the same chair with massage ball in his hand, trying to squeeze it softly.

Phil stand there watching him, how his muscles flex through all arm just so he could squeeze little ball so softly.

But Phil was so proud of Dan, how he keep trying.

Dan suddenly looked up jumping when he saw Phil watching him letting ball fall out of his hand and hit the floor.

\- How long did you stand there? - Dan asked turning fully around to face Phil.

\- Not long, I just got out of the shower. I am proud, Dan. Really proud. - Phil come closer to Dan and kissed him softly.

He felt Dan's fingers run over his hip and couldn't help but smile.

\- Did you choose what you want to eat for lunch? - Phil asked with smile.

\- You. - Dan answered innocently looking straight into Phil's eyes.

\- I'm not in the menu. - Phil laugh kissing Dan again.

\- Ah, that's bad. - Dan answered the kiss.

\- Maybe latter. - Phil smiled.

\- Okay, I actually want some salad. - Dan smiled just by seeing Phil smile.

\- Do you mind me ordering some or do you want me to make them to you? - Phil brush his hands through Dan's hair making Dan's eyes fall shut.

\- You can order, i don't mind. - Dan said enjoying Phil's hands brushing through his hair.

\- Okay, i will just put on some clothes. - and with that Phil left the room leaving Dan alone sitting there.

Dan stand up and followed Phil to his bedroom.

\- Why are you following me? - Phil laugh.

\- I don't know, you just are too sexy not too look at. - Dan said with smile.

\- Whatever. - Phil laugh turning his back to Dan and pulling out clean boxers from his drawer.

Dan just stand there in silent watching Phil getting dress.

\- Now lets go order us some salad for lunch. - Phil turned to Dan after he finished putting clothes on.

\- Okay. - Dan smiled.

\- What do you think about hot bath in the evening? - Phil asked after they ordered some food.

\- As long as I get to lay naked on top of naked you, I agree. - Dan lay down on the couch putting his head in Phil's lap.

\- Of course. - Phil laugh running his hand through Dan's hair.

\- I really like when you run your hands through my hair like this... - Dan murmured with his eyes shut.

\- I'm glad cuz I like running my hands through your hair. - Phil said with smile watching how peaceful Dan was turning under his touch.

Dan didn't answer, he just enjoyed Phil's touch letting all his body to relax.

Phil notice that Dan fall asleep under his touch.

\- I love you so much, Dan. I really do. - Phil murmured keeping to run his hand through his hair.

Dan turned to the side in his sleep, burring his face into Phil's tummy.

His arms shifting up hugging other Phil's arm.

Phil couldn't help big smile starting to grow on his lips.

With every day Dan's arms was starting to work better and better.

It made Phil so happy.


	23. Chapter 23

Phil woke up with Dan's arm around his waist.

He couldn't help but start smiling from ear to ear.

Phil leaned down and give small kiss to Dan on his forehead before getting up.

Phil cooked breakfast and sit down finishing editing so they could post new gaming video tonight.

\- Good Morning. - Phil jumped hearing Dan next to his ear.

\- You scared me. - Phil start laughing and Dan joined in.

\- Sorry. Finished editing? - Dan asked sitting down looking over his breakfast.

\- Yup. Will be able to upload it tonight. Do you want me to help you with eating? - Phil asked putting his laptop away.

\- Yeah... - Dan sound an bit distant for that moment.

\- Everything alright? - Phil asked a bit worried pushing Dan's hair out of his eyes.

\- A? Yeah, yeah. Just still sleepy. - Dan smiled big smile at Phil.

\- Okay... - Phil murmured starting to feed Dan.

Slowly, trying not to push too much knowing that Dan was still very sensitive about all eating thing.

\- I'm full, thank you. - Dan said when he was eat less than half of his breakfast and stood up.

\- Dan, are you really alright? - Phil stand up to pulling Dan into hug.

\- Yes. Don't worry Phil. - Dan concentrate all his will power to lift his hand high enough to put it on Phil's ass and when that actually happened he start to smile really big.

Phil just smiled and lean in to kiss Dan with passion and love.

Dan pushed himself only closer to Phil answering the kiss.

\- I love you so fucking much. - Phil murmured through kiss.

\- I love you, Phil. - Dan kissed him even deeper.

\- If we won't stop right now, I will seriously push you on this table and fuck you. - Phil growled in Dan's mouth.

\- Mmmm, that sound so damn sexy and I would love that to happen but we don't have time for that. - Dan let out small laugh.

\- What? - Phil was taken a bit back.

\- You forgot. - Dan started laughing harder.

\- Forgot what? - Phil was really confused.

\- The yoga doctor is coming over today to teach us how to help my muscles to start working again. And they will be here in like 10 mins. - Dan said still laughing.

\- Shit, I really forgot. - Phil start laughing too.

\- Kiss me one more time and than please help me put on some clothes. Don't think that it would be polite to be only in my boxers. - Dan said letting his hand drop back down.

\- Of course. - Phil said with smile and pulled Dan into one more kiss, a bit too long for simple kiss, but still really sweet.

They got dresses just in time to hear their door bell to ring.

\- Lets go. - Phil smiled at nervous Dan and opened the door just to see sexy, young man standing at them in tight yoga outfit with bag over his shoulder.

\- Hello. I'm yoga professor for Daniel. - Man half way smiled at Phil.

\- Em, yeah, come in. - Phil open door wider letting man in. - I'm Phil. -

\- Nice to meet you, Phil. I'm Brian. And you must be Daniel. - Brian turned all his attention to Dan.

\- Dan. I'm used to go with simply Dan. - Dan answered without any emotions.

\- Okay, Dan. Are you ready to start? - Brian asked all motivated.

\- Yes, of course. Lets go to the living room. - Dan glanced at Phil before leaving to go to living room with Brian following him.

Phil said nothing to them.

He just sit down in the couch and watched them both.

And damn, with every touch Phil felt more and more jealous.

That guy was sexy, witch such muscles and ass.

And he made Dan laugh too.

Phil felt a bit annoyed already.

\- Okay, very good. That will be it for today. You did very good Dan. - Brian stand up gathering his stuff.

\- Thank you. I though that this will be another useless shit but actually it felt really good. - Dan said with a laugh and stand up too.

\- Yeah, a lot think like that. I'm glad that you liked it. - Brian flashed Dan beautiful smile making Phil's hands clench into fists.

But Phil didn't want to ruin it for Dan so he just sit there doing nothing.

\- Okay, so i see you Friday. Remember that your muscles can feel sore but that is perfectly normal. You can take hot bath to ease them a bit. - Brian smiled at Dan.

\- Hot bath. Okay. See you Friday, bye. - Dan smiled watching Brian walk out the door.

Phil couldn't wait any longer, He pulled Dan into his arms crashing his lips against his making Dan gasp in surprise.

Kiss was rough and needy but Phil couldn't help himself.

He push Dan against the wall turning kiss up even heated making Dan moan.

Phil was calming down just by hearing Dan moan because of him.

Phil moved down to kiss Dan's neck but Dan tilt his head to the side laughing.

\- No, I need to take shower, Phil. I am all covered in sweat. - Dan laughed.

\- I don't care. - Phil kissed Dan again.

\- You're jealous. - Dan smiled in the kiss.

\- Yes, I am. - Phil answered without shame.

\- Oh, Philly. You don't even know if he like boys and second, I need only you and no one else. - Dan said and kissed Phil.

Phil melted away in the kiss feeling completely calmed.

\- Now, come help me with the shower. And simply shower cuz I am damn hungry. - Dan couldn't stop smiling making Phil smile too.

\- Okay, I will cook something tasty for you. - Phil peck Dan on lips one more time before letting him go.

\- Thank you, baby. - Dan blow him a kiss and run to the bathroom.

Phil was so in love with him, he couldn't even imagine his live without Dan anymore.

(this chapter inspired by Eli Lieb song "Fall For You")


	24. Chapter 24

Phil couldn't take it anymore.

Brian was coming over 3 times a week and with each time he was getting closer and closer to Dan.

It was driving Phil crazy.

Yes, he loved to see how Dan actually was getting better but jealousy was stronger.

\- We could go to cinema tomorrow? - Brian asked packing his things.

\- Yes, new movie just come out. It will be great. It's been a long time since I went to cinema or out really. - Dan laugh standing up.

\- May I pick you up by 6? Will it be okay? - Brian turned to Dan with big smile on his face.

\- It will be great. I will be ready by than. Thank you. - Dan walked with Brian to the door.

\- No problem. See you tomorrow! - Brian smiled before closing door behind him.

Dan turned around just to see annoyed Phil leaning against the wall.

\- Why are you so annoyed? - Dan laugh walking past him but Phil grab his arm pulling him against him.

Dan let out surprise gasp.

Phil didn't say anything just crash his lips against Dan's.

A bit needy but still soft and full of love making Dan melt away.

Phil turned them around softly pushing Dan against the wall with his body making kiss even heated.

Dan moaned into Phil's mouth loving how Phil's hands was running over Dan's body and under his shirt setting his skin on fire.

Phil picked Dan's legs up making Dan wrap them around Phil's waist so they could be even closer if that was even possible.

\- Phil... - Dan moaned louder feeling Phil suck a love bit on Dan's neck right under his jaw.

Phil understand that he needed to stop or he will take it too far, it just felt so damn good.

Phil leaned in and kissed Dan one more time before simply putting his forehead against Dan's trying to catch his breath.

\- wow. - Dan start smiling really big pecking Phil's lips once more. - What did I do to ear this? -

\- You made me very jealous. Sorry, I lost control. - Phil looked deep into Dan's eyes.

\- Jealous? - Dan laugh out a bit confused.

\- Yes, jealous! He is all over you and I can't stand seeing him checking out your ass and all the unnecessary touches. It just drive me crazy. And now he asked you out. I just can't. - Phil shake his head making Dan laugh. - What's so funny? -

\- That is so cute! - Dan crash his lips against Phil's.

\- What? - Phil was taken aback.

\- Do you really think that I don't see how jealous you get? Oh, boy. I see it and let me admit, I like it a bit too much. And kisses I get after are amazing. - Dan answered laughing.

\- You know, I can drop you right now. That isn't funny. - Phil said but couldn't help his hands sliding down and resting on Dan's ass.

\- I know, but I look at him just as my friend and nothing more. - Dan couldn't help but smile.

\- I was just a friend too. - Phil tilt his head to the side.

\- You never was just a friend. Even from the very start. You have always been so much more. And you know it. - Dan said with pure honesty looking straight into Phil's eyes.

\- I love you. - Phil leaned down to kiss Dan.

\- I love you. - Dan answered before crashing their lips together.

\- It's time for your shower and I think that dinner should be ready any minute. - Phil put Dan down on his own legs.

\- Ugh, I was having fun. - Dan couldn't mask his disappointment.

\- Latter. - Phil playfully slapped Dan's ass.

\- I'll hold your word, Lester. - Dan called out going to shower.

Phil couldn't help but smile. That boy was driving him crazy.

\- If you need any help just call me. - Phil called him back walking into kitchen to check on their dinner.

After some 15 minutes Phil was done with making dinner.

He turned around to go check on Dan but was stopped on his track.

Naked Dan with just small towel hanging in front him was entering the kitchen.

\- My hands still don't work enough to get this around my waist so could you please help me? - Dan looked at Phil being all innocent.

\- Em... Yes, of course. - Phil still couldn't concentrate.

Dan was just so beautiful with small water droplets over his body.

\- Are you okay? - Dan asked being confused.

\- Yes, yes. Let's go get you some clothes to put on. - Phil couldn't stop his eyes from falling down to stare at Dan's crotch and butt.

Dan just laugh and walked to his bedroom sitting down on the bed watching Phil search for his clothes with small smirk playing on his lips.

\- You know, you don't need to try hold back, right? - Dan couldn't help but smile.

\- Believe me, I do. - Phil put clean clothes next to Dan.

\- No, you don't. - Dan slowly pulled his left arm up grabbing Phil by his collar pulling him into kiss.

\- Dan, - Phil let Dan pull him on top of himself into deeper kiss.

\- Dan, - Phil said with sad tone and push himself away from Dan.

\- What? - Dan asked with sadness in his voice.

\- Right now dinner is waiting for us. Please don't be sad. I want you really bad, I just want you to be ready for it. I don't want to rush something I want to last forever. - Phil pushed Dan's hair back from his forehead.

\- Okay. - Dan smiled.

\- Now lets put on some clothes or I think my eyes will burn out from all the hotness in front me. - Phil pecked Dan on the lips.

Dan just laugh letting Phil help him put on some clothes.

Dan understand that he should try to eat his dinner by himself but he actually felt really tired and he liked when Phil was feeding him.

\- I think, I have spoiled you. - Phil smiled kissing off ice cream of Dan's lips.

\- Probably but I like it. And I know that you do too. - Dan couldn't help big yawn escape his lips.

\- Someone's sleepy. - Phil stand up putting rest of ice cream away.

\- Just a bit. But have enough energy to one more make out session. - Dan put his arms out for Phil help him get up.

\- Of course. - Phil laugh pulling Dan into hug.

Dan rested his head against Phil's shoulder simply enjoying the moment.

\- Lets get you into bed or you will fall asleep standing. - Phil laugh holding Dan into hug.

\- I am not that sleepy. - Dan laugh but let Phil led him to the bed.

Phil pulled blanket around Dan but didn't get into bed himself.

\- Why aren't you getting into bed? - Dan was watching Phil's every step.

\- I'm taking a shower. Won't be long. - Phil pecked Dan on the lips and went into bathroom.

When he walked out Dan was already asleep.

Phil just smiled and got into bed next to Dan.

\- Good night baby. - He whisper kissing his forehead.

When Phil woke up he was alone in the bed.

He find Dan in the kitchen trying his best to open up milk bottle.

\- Let me help you. - Phil said putting both arms around Dan.

\- Good morning. - Dan put milk bottle down and turned around kissing Phil.

\- Good morning. - Phil answered the kiss pulling Dan even closer.

\- I made breakfast. Coffee just stopped boiling and cereals with fruits are already in the bowls just milk didn't want to cooperate with me. - Dan said with a smile.

\- That's a lot. I'm proud of you, baby. - Phil cupped Dan's cheeks in his hands and leaned in to kiss him.

\- Fruits aren't chopped properly because I had problems of gripping knife strong enough. - Dan apologized sitting down.

\- It's okay, don't worry. - Phil smiled starting to eat.

\- You should rest your arms for now so you don't have any problems in the evening. - Phil said casually.

\- There shouldn't be non. - Dan smiled.

\- So, did you decide what you will wear to you date night? - Phil asked putting dishes into sink.

\- First of all, it is not a date night. Secondly, you are coming with me. - Dan cough Phil of guard.

\- I what? - Phil turned around.

\- You are coming with me. Why so shocked? You are my boyfriend after all. - Dan smirked.

\- You little shit made me boil in jealousy all this time. - Phil punched Dan softly on the shoulder.

\- You are cute when you are jealous. - Dan laugh. - So when do I get my make out session? -

\- Well, not my fault that you fall asleep. - Phil laugh pulling Dan up.

\- Not my fault too. - Dan pulled his arms around Phil's neck.

\- We should film new video before we go out tonight so you will need to wait for you little make out session. - Phil let his hands slid down to softly grab Dan's ass.

\- Do I? - Dan smirked leaning down and starting to kiss Phil's neck making him moan.


	25. Chapter 25

\- Dan! - Phil screamed through laughing.

Dan couldn't stop laughing too sitting on top of Phil.

\- Now your lips look even more amazing. All beautifully red. - Dan tried to catch his breath.

\- Yours too, baby. - Phil smiled pulling Dan back down into kiss.

A knock at the door made them jump apart.

\- He's here. Now you don't have any time to change your shirt. - Dan stand up all pleased with himself.

\- That was all your plan from the start, didn't it? - Phil playfully slapped his ass waking to the door.

\- Of course. This shirt is really sexy and since you don't wear it exactly every day, I needed to do something so you would keep it on. Well, till latter tonight. - Dan said smirking.

Phil just shake his head and opened door to see smiling Brian wearing skinny jeans and leather jacket that made him look even more fit and sexy.

\- Hi! - Brian smiled waving.

\- Hi. We are just ready. Lets go? - Dan smiled stopping next to Phil.

\- Yes. - Brian smiled and lead them to his car.

\- Dan, we need to get extra large popcorn! And oh, look! New taste! - Phil was like little child with heart eyes looking at all popcorn flavors.

\- Of course. We can take them both. - Dan couldn't help but smile, he loved watching Phil being all this exited.

\- He really love popcorn, huh? - Brian asked with smile.

\- You can't even imagine. He even did buy popcorn machine to make it at home. - Dan shake his head in memories.

\- Cool. Do you want me to get you anything? - Brian turned all his attention to Dan.

\- No, thank you. Phil already got it all. Get something for yourself. - Dan didn't even take his eyes off of Phil buying everything he wanted.

\- Can I ask you something? - Brian asked getting Dan's attention.

\- Of course. - Dan turned to Brian.

\- Are you two... like... a thing or something? - Brian asked carefully.

\- Yes, Phil is my best friend and my boyfriend. - Dan answered with proud smile.

\- Oh, sorry, I didn't know. - Brian looked down to his feet.

\- It's okay, actually, Phil is so jealous on you. - Dan let out laugh.

\- He is? - Brian asked a bit surprised.

\- Yes, he's adorable when he's jealous. - Dan turned all his attention back to Phil who was coming back carrying two large popcorn, two large drinks and bunch of candy.

\- Give me something to help you. - Dan stretch his arms out offering help.

\- You can take candies, just don't eat them all yet. - Phil warned with smile.

Dan tried his best to pick up bag of candies but just when he picked them up they slipped out of his touch.

\- Fuck! - Dan cursed under his breath trying to hold them with both hands.

\- Dan, it's okay, really. You have made such a good progress in these weeks. - Brian put hand on Dan's shoulder.

\- I know. It's alright. I am holding them. We can go. - Dan tried not to be annoyed but still got worried look from Phil.

Dan just shake it all of and went to search for their seats sitting down in the middle of them.

Phil sit down on the left side and Brian on the right.

When lights dim down Phil slid his hand over Dan's.

Such a small thing made Dan calm down completely and concentrate on movie playing.

Dan end up with red puffy eyes trying to calm down his breathing.

\- Take a sip from drink. - Phil was on his knees in front of Dan holding up drink while Brian was rubbing Dan's back.

\- You two could have warned me, you know? - Dan take big sip from his drink.

\- I didn't know that you will get so emotional. - Brian tried to excuse.

\- I didn't tell you anything because I know how much you hate spoilers. I'm sorry. - Phil really felt awful for seeing Dan like this.

\- It's okay. I think I just forgot to take my pills, that's all. Sorry. - Dan let out small smile standing up. - Actually, I'm hungry. Who's up for pizza? -

\- Sound like a plan. - Brian stand up too.

\- I'm hungry too. - Phil smiled.

\- Good, there is nice pizza place around the corner. - Dan started walking away.

Dan really loved this pizza place for many reasons.

It hold so many great memories for him that when he stepped inside he started smiling.

Dan scanned the place with his eyes spotting his favorite corner being free.

He almost run there sitting down so fast that he start laughing about himself.

He looked up to see Brian and Phil walking slowly talking with each other and smiling.

Dan felt sharp, dark thing crawl over him.

He was jealous on second.

Phil sit down next to Dan and Brian sit in front of them.

Dan pushed his leg to touch Phil's and slid his hand to rest on Phil's tight under the table making Phil turn to look at Dan and smile.

They soon ordered their pizzas and who though that they all have the same taste in pizza toppings.

\- I'm gonna use the restroom. - Dan excuse himself slipping out of his seat and went to the restroom glancing back at Phil one last time.

Dan didn't need to wait long till Phil entered restroom.

Phil pulled him into one of cabins and start kissing him.

Phil was a bit taken back but wrapped his arms around Dan.

\- Wanted to kiss you since cinema. - Dan bite his bottom lip making Phil's eyes get darker.

\- Don't bite your lip, it's turning me on and we really don't have time for it, right now. - Phil leaned down to kiss Dan one more time.

\- Of course, we wouldn't want to make Brian wait. - Dan pushed Phil back to slip out of cabin.

\- What? Dan, are you jealous right now? - Phil pulled him back by his waist.

\- And? - Dan turned to look at Phil feeling annoyed by all this talk.

Phil didn't say anything, he just pushed Dan against one of the walls and kissed him like his life depend on it.

Dan gasped in surprise.

\- Just wait till we will get home. - Phil whisper in his ear and slid out of cabin adjusting his shirt in front of mirror.

And damn, Dan couldn't wait to find out, he already felt himself getting hard.

\- Are you coming? - Phil asked all innocent.

\- With couple more your touches, yes. - Dan answered without even thinking, making Phil laugh and hold door for him.

\- Right in time, they just put these down. - Brian smiled at Dan and Phil.

\- They look delicious. - Dan sit down and grabbed one slice starting to eat.

\- Slow down, we don't want you to choke on your food. - Phil laugh making Brian laugh too.

Dan laugh a bit turning all his attention back to his food.

He heard Phil and Brian talking but he simply didn't listen, he was lost in his own mind, laughing when needed.

\- I'm paying. - Brian took the bill before Phil could.

\- Okay, but next time, it's on me. - Phil smiled.

\- I could pay too. I just forget my wallet at home. - Dan said standing up with others.

\- I know, but since I asked you out, it's only fair that I am paying. - Brian hold the doors for them both.

When they stopped at their apartment both, Dan and Phil, thanked Brian and went inside.

When Phil locked the door he turned to look at Dan.

\- Dan, are you alright? You seem a bit off. - Phil helped Dan to take his jacket off.

\- Yes, I just zoomed out a bit. Couldn't stop my fantasies about you coming. - Dan smiled.

\- We can make them reality. - Phil smiled pulling Dan closer to himself.

\- Can we? I'm sure that you won't fuck me over that dinner table in pizza place, right now. - Dan wanted to put his arms around Phil's neck but couldn't get them up.

\- mmmm, tell me more. - Phil put Dan's arms around his neck making Dan smile.

\- There were a lot of pizza. And oh, how delicious my cum looked on your perfect red lips. - Dan licked his own lips.

\- Fuck, you already made me hard. - Phil breath out leaning down to kiss Dan.

\- And how you kissed me right after, letting our tastes twirl together... - Dan whisper against Phil's lips.

Phil pulled Dan even closer to himself crashing their lips together in such a rush, hungry kiss.

Dan twirled his fingers into Phil's hair making Phil moan.

Phil easy picked Dan up making him gasp in surprise.

Phil didn't give Dan any time to protest, he kept kissing him while making his way to the bedroom.

Dan was lost in Phil's touches and kisses.

Phil lay Dan down in the bed crawling on top of him.

\- As I said in the start of the evening, now you can strip that shirt for me. - Dan smirked.

\- As you ask. - Phil sit down on his heels slowly starting to take of his shirt making Dan's mouth to water.

Dan reach out his hand to touch Phil's chest but after all pressure, all he got was to get it on top of himself when it dropped to their crotches.

Phil took his hand in his and start pecking small kisses on each finger slowly moving up over all Dan's arm, than doing the same thing with other.

Dan felt so touched by such a small gesture.

\- I love you - Dan whisper when Phil leaned down to kiss him.

\- I love you - Phil whisper back softly kissing Dan on the lips.

Dan let Phil run his hands under Dan's shirt, softly touching his torso.

Phil break their kiss just to pull Dan's shirt over his head.

Dan use the moment and start kissing Phil's neck, making him moan.

Phil start to unbuckle Dan's jeans when Dan bite a bit harder on the skin of Phil's neck.

\- Mmm, baby. - Phil moaned loudly making Dan shiver.

Dan licked over big love bite he just created leaning back, admiring his work.

\- Now he will see that you are already taken. - Dan murmured under his breath.

\- What? - Phil looked at Dan, a bit confused.

Dan just smile a big smile laying back down and pulling Phil with him.

\- Are you still jealous? Dan, you already know that I need you and only you. Yes, he is sexy but actually, I should be more worried that You will leave Me for him. Not other way around. And are we really having this talk right now? - Phil hold himself up on his arms.

\- Well, I can't help myself. You know that I am really easy to get jealous fast. - Dan murmured trying to get Phil kiss him.

\- Oh, Dan. - Phil let his head hung low.

\- I'm sorry. - Dan whisper.

Phil looked him in the eyes still with desire.

\- Fuck me... - Dan murmured under his breath almost without sound at all.

\- Excuse me? - Phil was taken back.

\- Fuck me - Dan said louder.

Phil looked Dan in the eyes and saw how miserable he was.

\- No. - Phil answer right away.

\- Phil, - Dan started but Phil cut him off.

\- I won't fuck you just because you want to prove me something. I won't use you, Dan. - Phil sit up.

\- Phil... - Dan was close to tears.

\- No, Daniel. I am nothing like him and I will never be. I want our time to be special. I want, you to want it. And not just so you could be sure that, that way I won't leave you. Fuck, I don't care about sex. Yes, I enjoy it, but You are more important that physical pleasure. I love you, Dan. I could be paralized head down and I would still love you the same. I love you, baby. - Phil cupped Dan's cheeks in his hands wiping away Dan's tears.

\- I love you... - Dan pulled himself close to Phil and let his tears run out.

\- I love you. - Phil whisper kissing top of Dan's head, rocking him in his arms.

Dan slowly calmed down listening to Phil's heartbeat right next to his ear.

Steady tadadum tadadum, tadadum slowly rock Dan into peaceful sleep.


	26. Chapter 26

When Phil wake up he was in bed alone.

Next side cold meaning that Dan haven't sleep there for a while.

Phil get out of bed and went to search for Dan but couldn't find him.

\- Dan! Dan! DANIEL! - Phil run around the flat one more time but Dan was no where to be find.

Phil pick up his phone and dialed Dan's number.

One, two, three, five times but Dan didn't pick up.

Hours went by but Dan still wasn't home and didn't pick up his phone.

Phil was worried sick and shaking thinking what to do next when at nine door finally open and dark Dan slid into flat as quiet as he could.

Phil run to him and just pulled him into bear crashing hug letting tears stream down his face in relief that Dan is back.

Dan just stand there looking to the side, letting Phil hug him, but doing nothing.

\- Dan... where were you? I was so worried. And you didn't pick up any of my calls. - Phil tilt his head to look at Dan but Dan just looked away.

\- Dan? - Phil tried to cup Dan face in his hand but Dan shake his hand off.

\- Dan, what's wrong? - Phil didn't let go and turned Dan to face him.

Dan's eyes was really dark like all brown was turned in black.

\- It's okay, baby. It's okay. Come, lets get you to the bed. Are you maybe hungry? - Phil hold arm around Dan's waist and led him to his bedroom.

\- No, I am not hungry. - Dan murmured in raspy voice sitting down on the bed letting Phil take off his jacket.

\- Okay. - Phil slid his fingers over Dan's arms to see two small bumps in his right arm.

Dan looked up at Phil, simply staring in his eyes.

Phil offered small smile but it turned out more sad than happy.

Dan start to laugh and shake his head.

\- Don't be so sad. It's nothing big, not like I'm gonna drop dead or anything. - Dan laugh kicking off his shoos and laying down in bed.

Phil just stand there watching him.

\- Why such a long face? Have some fun. Actually, I have something to offer you. - Dan sit back up searching his jacket pockets till he find what he needed.

He hold out little bag with couple small blue pills in it, offering it to Phil.

\- What? You want me to take them? Like drink them? - Phil asked unbelieving.

\- Yea. Actually with one should be enough but since I had two shots, you can take both of them. - Dan offered with smile that bring his dimples out.

\- Dan, do you really want me to get drugged? Are you seriously? - Phil couldn't believe what he was seeing, he hoped that all this was just a bad dream and soon he will wake up with Dan to his side, and everything will be just fine.

\- Why not? It's nothing too strong. Lets have some fun together. - Dan crawled closer to Phil. - Have some wild sex. -

\- No, Daniel. - Phil grabbed drugs out of Dan's hand.

\- Why are you always telling no to me? - Dan sit back down.

\- Because I am telling Yes to you too easy. - Phil walked out the room and dumped drugs in the toilet flushing them away.

Phil took couple deep breath before dialing the number.

It felt wrong but Phil knew that it will be for the best.

After like 15 minutes of waiting there was finally a knock on the doors.

Phil opened them to let them in.

\- Do whatever you need, just get it all out of his system. Please. - Phil felt really tired and it all was seen in his eyes.

\- I will do all I can. - Alex answered truthfully.

\- He's in his room. Will it be okay or do you need to do it better in bathroom or somewhere? - Phil tried to push all emotions down.

\- Bathroom will be better because it won't be beautiful. Phil, you should sit down. - Alex looked a bit worried about Phil.

\- It's okay, I will help. - Phil led him to Dan's room.

\- Oh, someone choose to come back after all. What the fuck is he doing here?! - Dan sit up seeing Alex walk in the room right after Phil.

\- I called him. To help you. - Phil stopped right next to Dan.

\- Help me? All he will do is kill me so he could bang you again. - Dan stand up stepping one step before Phil.

\- Daniel, you are hurting him right now, you need to understand that. He called because he want to help you. Please, don't hurt him any longer. - Alex looked Dan deep in the eyes.

Dan stand there in silence for a bit before he nod.

Alex led him to bathroom and sit him down on the floor getting ready everything needed.

\- I don't want him to see it all, again... - Dan murmured to Alex.

Alex nod standing up and turning to face Phil.

\- Please wait outside till I call you. - Alex closed the door before Phil even got to say something.

Phil sit down next to bathroom door waiting.

Soon he heard awful sound coming from Dan.

Painfully cutting into Phil's ears.

It continue for like half an hour and till than Phil was crying mess.

Alex opened the door and carried what seem like life less Dan to his room.

Phil couldn't move, he felt it all crashing down with waves to him.

\- Phil? Come, I will make tea for you. Here, drink this, it will calm you down a bit. - Alex caring hands was on Phil and Phil couldn't control himself leaning into his arms even more closing his eyes.

Alex hold him into hug till pills kicked in and Phil felt more calm.

\- He's gonna be okay, I put system on, that will take like at least hour. After that, he's clean. - Alex run his hand through Phil's hair.

\- I don't even know why he went to search for drugs again. Everything was just fine. Yes, he had breakdown yesterday but still... I don't get it... - Phil let shivering breath out.

\- Phil, he have been drug addicted, it is not so easy to get over that. Even after years they can still feel the urge to pump them into them. It is not your fault. It just happen naturally. Now come, I will make you tea and something to eat. - Alex stand up pulling Phil with him.

Phil let Alex because he really wanted to feel better.

After a bit more than hour Phil was fully calm finishing another episode of tv show laughing with Alex about how it ended.

\- I will quickly check on him. - Alex smiled standing up and walking into Dan's room.

Phil waited till Alex walk back out with his bag.

\- He's asleep. Tomorrow will feel kinda shitty to him, a bit painful. But he's in good hands. - Alex smiled.

\- Thank you so much. - Phil hugged Alex without even thinking.

\- No problem. If you ever need anything, just call me. I still deeply care about you. - Alex hug Phil back.

\- I know. You will find someone way better than me. - Phil smiled sadly walking Alex to the door.

Alex smiled and walked away.

Phil couldn't make himself to face Dan so he walked to his own bedroom closing door behind him and crawling in bed hugging his pillow that was full of Dan's scent slowly dripping into sleep.

Phil woke up feeling small kisses being put all over his face.

\- Mmm... - He opened his eyes to see smiling Dan hovering over him.

\- Good Morning babe. - Dan said all cheerful leaning down to kiss Phil but Phil sit up in sudden shock.

Dan's eyes was shining brown again and he was smiling big with his dimples out.

Phil grabbed his arm and looked closely but there was no marks of needles or anything.

\- Oh, thank god! - Phil pulled Dan into big hug.

\- W...What? - Dan was confused.

\- I had such a bad dream, I woke up and you wasn't there all day and didn't pick up and when you come home you was drugged and all, and you wanted me to have drugs, and than there was Alex pumping it all out of you, and it was all just so terrible. I was so scared and tired. Dan, I don't want to lose you. - Phil was talking really fast tripping over his own words making Dan laugh.

\- Calm down, yes, I had breakdown last night, but I am not back on illegal drugs. That time have passed. That's why you looked so freaked out? Oh, Phil. - Dan pulled him into hug kissing him deeply.

\- I am so sorry, I guess, last night I just was too worried. - Phil answered Dan's kiss melting away in softness.

\- Yes, now come, I made breakfast. - Dan smiled messing up Phil's hair even more.

\- Just couple more kisses. - Phil smiled pulling Dan down with him.


	27. Chapter 27

\- So and what will I get, if I win? - Dan turned to Phil with a half smirk half smile.

\- Hm... Something special. - Phil leaned back in his chair.

\- Okay, deal. - Dan smiled and turned back to face camera.

Phil couldn't stop smiling while they played rest of the game.

Dan was really laud as always and really cheerful that made Phil be in such a good mood himself.

\- Fuck, yeah! That's how you do it! - Dan cheer when hitting high score in the game.

\- Ah, you are too good at these. That's not fair. - Phil said with still big smile on his lips.

\- No marshmallow for you, Philly! - Dan stick out his tongue at Phil making them both laugh.

When they stopped laughing they just stare at each other for a moment when Phil leaned over and kissed Dan.

Dan let out small giggle but answered sweet kiss.

Phil all of sudden stand up turning off the camera and dropped down on his knees in between Dan's legs.

He slowly unbuckled Dan's pants without losing eye contact.

Without any warning Phil suck Dan's dick into his mouth making Dan gasp and trow his head back.

Phil slid down taking all his length in.

Dan let his hand slip into Phil's hair pulling them softly making Phil moan around Dan's dick that made Dan moan even louder.

Dan couldn't believe how good Phil's mouth and tongue felt all around his length.

Dan looked down just in time when Phil looked up meeting his eyes.

It was last drop to trow Dan over edge and cum straight into Phil's throat making Phil moan in pleasure.

When Phil pulled away with soft pop he stand up without breaking eye contact with Dan and licked his now cum covered shiny lips.

Dan wasn't able to say anything so he just stand up pulling Phil close by his neck and kissed him, deep and with passion.

When they break apart Phil smiled letting one hand run through Dan's hair.

\- Congrats with a win, hope you liked your little special something just as much as I liked to give it to you. - Phil smiled pecking Dan's lips.

\- Fuck, it was so damn good. So much better than I have ever dreamed of it. Thank you. - Dan hold his arms around Phil's neck.

\- It tasted way better than marshmallows that I could have won. - Phil couldn't stop brushing his hands through Dan's hair.

\- I'm glad. Only we have a little problem, we didn't do endscreen for the video. - Dan start to play with Phil's hair.

\- I will cut it off where we were laughing and say that our camera's battery died. Could happen to anyone. - Phil pulled Dan closer by his waist.

\- True, I am sure that they will love this video anyway. Just by seeing us so happy. -

\- I really enjoyed filming it. -

\- I did too. - Dan leaned down and kissed Phil on the lips, just small, soft kiss.

\- I will try to finish editing it today so we can upload it before going to sleep. - Phil leaned against desk, pulling Dan between his legs.

\- What a good way to end sunday. - Dan stepped even closer.

\- What you will do while I edit? - Phil let his hand slid down to Dan's ass.

\- Actually, I promised to video call mom. - Dan answered a bit shy.

\- That's good. If you need any help just call me. - Phil stand up letting Dan go.

\- Okay, enjoy editing. - Dan kissed Phil on the cheek before going to his room.

\- Okay, mom, I am actually really hungry so I will go now. - Dan said the moment when Phil stepped out of gaming room and they eyes met.

\- Bye. - Dan hung up and close his laptop smiling at Phil when he walked over to him.

\- Just finished editing and set it to upload to youtube. - Phil plopped down next to Dan.

\- That's amazing. What would you like for dinner? - Dan snuggle against Phil.

\- Hm, maybe pasta? It's fast and easy. - Phil looked down at Dan putting his arms around him.

\- Yes, please. I'm actually really hungry. - Dan start to play with Phil's jeans button.

\- Oh. You could have called me, I would have start cooking earlier. - Phil laugh standing up.

\- It's okay. - Dan smiled. - I will help you, if you need. -

\- I think I will menage to put pasta into boiling water. - Phil laugh walking to kitchen starting to cook them pasta.

\- Phil, I have something to ask you. - Dan sit down playing with bottom of his shirt.

\- What is it? - Phil turned around to look at Dan.

\- Mom want me to visit them, so I though that maybe you would like to come with me? - Dan was looking down on his fingers.

\- If you want me to go with you, than yes, of course. - Phil smiled tilting Dan's head up by his chin.

\- Thank you, babe. - Dan smiled kissing Phil.

\- No problem, baby. - Phil smiled answering the soft kiss.


	28. Chapter 28

\- So I texted Brian, canceling today's therapy. - Dan happily clapped his hands starting to be even more happy that it actually worked. - Did you see? I clapped my hands! -

\- That's amazing baby. - Phil kissed Dan on the cheek. - But you can't cancel your therapy, it help you make such a progress. -

\- Phil, one evening you can do some yoga with me. You know all moves just by amount you spend checking me out while we do it. - Dan laugh.

\- You have a good point there. - Phil smiled closing their bag.

\- We need to go or we will miss our train. - Dan stand up feeling really bubbly and happy today making Phil's heart warm.

\- You can take one backpack, I will take other. - Phil put Dan's backpack on Dan's back.

\- Wait, - Dan grab Phil's hand making him stop and turn to Dan.

Phil looked questionably at Dan but Dan just smiled pulling Phil in for a kiss.

Phil smiled putting his arms around Dan and answered the kiss a bit more deeply.

\- Now we can go. - Dan smiled bringing his dimples out making Phil smile even bigger.

They went to train station just in time.

\- Did you saw comments on about new video? - Dan asked looking in Phil's pc screen.

\- Yup, they are awesome. A lot believed that our camera's battery died. - Phil smirked.

\- But did you look from the phan side? Look like they know exactly what was going on. - Dan laugh.

\- Let them. But it I still enjoyed it. - Phil turned to look at Dan.

\- I did too. A lot. - Dan smiled staring straight into Phil's eyes.

After what felt like minutes Phil finally broke looking back down to his open computer.

\- I actually have one more video to edit, if you don't mind. - Phil looked up at Dan.

\- It's okay, I will take a nap. - Dan let out big yawn.

\- Do you want me to get out your headphones? - Phil reach for Dan's backpack.

\- Thank you. - Dan smiled putting them on and turning on his music leaning his head against Phil's shoulder.

Phil looked down at him and smiled taking quick photo of sleeping Dan than turning back to editing video he recently filmed.

Dan woke up right before train stopped.

\- We're almost there. - Phil smiled sipping from his juice bottle offering it to Dan.

Dan sleepy smiled and took a small sip from juice leaning back in his seat.

When train stopped they slowly got out to see Dan's mom already waiting to pick them up.

Dan smiled and hugged his mom.

\- It's so good to see you finally, it's been too long since you last visited. - His mom said looking Dan over to see if he's okay.

\- I know, that's why we come to visit. - Dan smiled looking back at Phil.

\- Phil, it's great to see you too! - Dan's mom pulled Phil into hug.

\- The same back to you. - Phil was smiling.

\- Let's go, lunch will probably be ready. - Mom smiled leading them to car.

They spend small car ride talking with each other.

\- We'll go dump our bags in my room. - Dan said walking into house.

\- Okay, but than come straight to dinning room to eat lunch. - mom walked away to the kitchen.

Dan and Phil walked up to Dan's old room closing door behind them.

It didn't take long for Dan to pull Phil into kiss.

Phil giggle locking his arms around Dan's waist and answering the sweet kiss.

They keep kissing for a little bit more before breaking apart to catch their breathing.

They smiled at each other like idiots and giggle before walking down to join the lunch.

They all chatted while eating and Dan was extra happy because he was able to each his lunch without any help.

\- Actually, I wanted to tell you all something important. - Dan speak up when they all was finished eating.

\- What is it, honey? - his mom asked with everyone turning their attention to him.

\- Well, - Dan looked over at Phil grabbing his hand in his under table - I and Phil are dating. -?

\- Aren't you for years now? -

Dan was ready for any kind of reaction but it trow him off guard.

\- No, we were just best friends. - Dan was in shock.

Phil didn't know what to say so he just stayed quiet and sipped his soda from glass.

\- Oh, I'm sorry. You two just looked so in love... -

\- Did everyone saw how in love we are with each other just not both of us? - Dan asked without believing.

\- I guess... - Phil murmured starting to play with Dan's fingers under table.

Dan couldn't help himself but laugh.

\- We are such idiots. - He shake his head and leaned down to kiss Phil softly caught him even more of guard.

Phil start to blush answering Dan's kiss.

\- So, how long are you two staying? - mom break awkward silence.

\- Till wednesday morning, can't cancel another therapy session. - Dan answered finally looking away from Phil.

\- Okay, that's great. I'm happy about you, Dan. - his mom smiled at him before taking all the dishes to kitchen.

\- You should have warned me about that. You shocked me really hard. - Phil whisper with small laugh leaning closer to Dan.

\- Sorry, I just felt the need to say it out loud so I can kiss you whenever I want. For example, now. - Dan murmured leaning closer to Phil and looking down to his lips.

Phil licked his lips looking deep in Dan's eyes.

Dan smiled pulling Phil finally down into sweet kiss.

They spend rest of the evening catting, shopping and playing games till it come time for Dan's therapy.

\- So, Phil, get into your yoga pans and get ready to exercise. - Dan smiled walking to his room to change into his yoga clothes.

Phil walked to the room too, closing door behind him just in time to see Dan undressing himself struggling with his jeans button.

\- Let me help. - Phil walked close to Dan and popped the button open looking back up at Dan.

\- You know, we just could have sex and it would be all exercise needed. - Dan brush Phil's hair out of his eyes.

\- Not in your parent house. - Phil said being all serious.

\- So, if we would be home... - Dan let his words to trail of letting his hand slid down to Phil's neck and down to his chest.

\- Who knows. But now get ready. - Phil smiled pecking Dan on the cheek and walking to his bag to put on his clothes.

Dan smiled and put on his clothes putting down thin blanket as yoga math.

It was easy for Phil to do everything that was needed and help Dan where it was needed because to be honest Phil payed a lot of attention to what Brian was doing with Dan in these therapy sessions even if he claim not to.

Dan put all his power into doing everything as best as he could and with every time he got better and better.

He felt so happy seeing all progress he made with his arms.

He really did prove wrong to all these who said that he will never use his arms again, not even mention his fingers. And look at him now, gripping ball in his hand into fist and trowing it, than catching it and doing it all over and over again even better and better with each time.

Dan felt really motivated, he needed to get better so he worked his ass off to just make the smallest progress.

For Phil.

Seeing how Phil's eyes light up every time Dan did something correct and fully with his arms was all motivation Dan needed to press even harder than before.

When everything that was needed was done, Dan felt happy but really tired.

He needed to admit that he did push himself extra hard today just to make Phil even more happy.

Hearing Phil laugh and seeing him smile was so much more important that pain spreading through Dan's arms to the rest of his body.

Dan just laid down trying to catch his breath.

\- Good job, baby, I will get us some water. - Phil smiled and exit the room.

Dan's head was spinning and his arms was hurting from all pressure.

\- Fuck... - Dan rolled to one side closing his eyes when first wave of cramps hit him.

Powerful pain gripped his arms making him fight hard not to scream or even groan in pain.

When Phil come back in the room he almost dropped the water bottle seeing Dan like this, he kneel down in front of Dan putting one hand on his shoulder.

\- Don't panic. I'm alright. Grrr... - Dan couldn't finish his sentence by new cramp wave grabbing him.

\- How do I not panic if I see you in such pain? - Phil snapped back starting to worry even more.

When cramp wave calmed down Dan gasp for deep breath.

\- It can happen. I just over pushed myself a bit. It's okay, really, Phil. - Dan tried to get his breathing back to normal but it was hard by all pain gong through his body.

\- Dan, you needed to tell me earlier. What can I do to help? - Phil tried not to show how worried he really was.

\- Just try to massage them to ease cramps and please give me some painkillers that are in my backpack front pocket... - Dan finished just in time before another cramp wave hit him making him bite his lip not to scream and groan in pain.

Phil search for painkillers getting ready water for Dan to drink when wave calmed down.

Dan swallow pills quickly getting ready for new pain to come.

Phil tried his best to be gentle while massaging Dan's arms but Dan's muscles was so tensed up that no matter how gentle he tried to be, it still hurt Dan a lot.

\- Keep going... - Dan murmured through another groan of pain, - and press harder. -

Phil did as Dan asked and soon his muscles lose up letting go of all pain making Dan free to breath normal once again.

\- I should be angry at you right now. Never push yourself this hard! It could get even worse. - Phil was on the edge of tears.

\- Phil, everything is fine. I'm sorry. I will be more careful, I promise. Come here. - Dan opened his arms for Phil to hug him.

Phil crush himself against Dan and breath in deeply scent of Dan calming down almost right away.

Dan hold, or at least tried to, his arms around Phil.

\- We should take a shower, we're all covered in sweat. - Phil said when he break apart from their hug.

\- Will you please take it together with me? - Dan asked looking up with hopeful eyes. - For my arms? - Dan added before Phil could say no.

\- Okay, sure. Come. - Phil stand up helping Dan to get up too.

Phil take out clear clothes for them to wear after shower in witch they could sleep latter too.

After all cramp waves Dan felt even more tired than before so he let Phil undress him and wash him in the shower almost falling asleep by how peaceful and pleasurable hot water and Phil's touches was.

\- Don't fall asleep just yet, baby. - Phil whisper in his ear putting puffy towel around Dan and than putting one around himself.

\- 'm tired... - Dan yawn and it was hard for him to keep his eyes open.

\- I know, you did a lot today. We just need to put out clothes on and get to your bed, than you can sleep. - Phil talked while drying Dan off and putting clothes on him.

Dan just hummed in agreement letting Phil to do everything that was needed.

Phil put his clothes on before leading Dan back to his room and putting him down in the bed.

\- Sleep with me... wanna cuddle... - Dan murmured already half asleep.

Phil got in bed pulling Dan close to his body and relaxing feeling Dan's heart beat against his own.

\- I love you, baby. - Phil whisper to Dan kissing top of his head.

Dan murmured something that was meant as "I love you" and was fast asleep feeling safe in Phil's arms.


	29. Chapter 29

Dan woke up by something wet touching his face.

\- Mmm, Philll... What are you doing? - Dan open his eyes, - Colin?

Colin was standing happily on top of Dan trying to lick his face.

Dan looked to the side to see Phil still deep in his sleep.

\- Okay, bud, lets go. - Dan slowly get out of bed to make sure not to wake Phil.

Dan slowly walked out of the room with Colin following him.

\- Wait here, I'm gonna use bathroom really quick and than we will go downstairs and I will get you some dog treat. Just wait, and don't go wake Phil. - Dan looked down at Colin making sure that he understand and will sit there waiting, and than walked into bathroom.

When he walked back out of the bathroom Colin was still waiting for him but got up as soon as Dan open the door and was ready to run down the stairs.

Dan just laugh and followed Colin to the kitchen where his mom was already finished making breakfast for Dan and Phil.

\- Good morning mom. - Dan kissed her on the cheek while grabbing pack of dog treats.

\- Good morning, bear. How did you sleep? - Mom smiled.

\- Good, I think. I was really tired after work out. - Dan bend down and give Colin couple of treats, watching how happy it made him.

\- It's okay. I made you and Phil breakfasts. I will go to grocery store, do you need anything? - Mom was writing down the list of what was needed to buy.

\- Actually, I can go to it, after all I wanted to take a walk so just give me a list and we will get you everything. - Dan smiled taking the list.

\- Okay, that's great. - Mom smiled getting up.

\- I will take breakfast up to bedroom. Thank you mom. - Dan took all breakfast on tray and slowly walked back to his bedroom.

It was really hard to use his arms after yesterday, specially trying to hold something so heavy for so long, but Dan did his best to get breakfast to his bedroom without dropping anything.

He put everything on the nightstand next to his bed and got up to close the door.

Dan slowly crawl into bed next to Phil, watching him for a little, simply getting lost in all the beauty right in front of him.

Than Dan slowly leaned down and put small kiss against Phil's lips.

And just by seeing how right after that Phil's lips form a beautiful smile made Dan's heart warm.

Dan brushed his nose against Phil's, smiling really big himself.

Phil slowly open his eyes, looking up at Dan and pulling him into hug.

Dan breath in deeply, feeling Phil's heart beets against his own chest.

Dan tilt his head and pulled Phil into kiss making them both get lost in it.

After couple minutes of simple sweet kissing they finally part and said their "good morning"s smiling with happiness painted all over their faces, still holding each other in their arms.

\- I brought breakfast in bed for you, mom made them, so don't worry, they will be eatable. - Dan laugh making Phil laugh too.

\- I like the food you make, you are kinda good cooker. - Phil said while sitting up ready to eat.

\- You are just saying that. - Dan laugh giving Phil breakfast sitting down himself.

They start to eat in silence simply enjoying their food.

\- When you finish, we will need to get ready. We'll go for a walk and I told mom that we will go to the grocery store for her too. Hope you don't mind. - Dan looked Phil in the eyes.

\- No, not at all. Taking walk with you sound really nice. - Phil smiled leaning in to give Dan a small kiss.

\- That's great. - Dan smiled kissing Phil back.

They finished eating in silence simply enjoying breakfast and their presence.

After that they got ready, Dan just need a little bit of help with his jeans before they were fully ready to go.

\- Bye mom. - Dan shoot while taking Phil's hand in his and walking out the door without waiting for a replay.

Phil felt so touch that Dan was holding his hand while going down the streets of the town he have grow up, in town where everyone knew Dan, Phil just couldn't help but smile in pure happiness.

They were making jokes and laughing about them self while picking up everything from the list, but still holding hands and goofing around each other making them laugh harder.

\- Dan Howell? Well, well, look what we have here. - Boy got their attention making them turn around.

\- Steven. - Dan felt the trouble coming.

\- It look that you actually went down for it, huh. Didn't know that he's still around after all you did back on 2012. But who I am to judge. - Steven lean down closer to Dan before walking away, - Just remember that world don't rotate around you.-

Dan just watched him walking away saying nothing.

He felt something click in his head.

He looked over at confused Phil for a moment before starting to walk again like nothing did happen.

But inside, he was fighting a big battle with himself, still hearing Steven words replaying over and over again.

Walking back to house Dan was starting to slip deeper and deeper in his own thoughts, his old friend, darkness.

Phil saw a little change in Dan but he brush it off because Dan still smile at him and hold his hand.

Dan let Phil put down everything while he just walked up to his room and close the door behind him leaning against them for a moment.

2012 was re playing it self in Dan's mind.

How much he hurt Phil back than, how much he ruined their friendship.

"Just remember that world don't rotate around you"

Dan trow himself in the bed pushing his face into pillow.

He felt sharp pain in his chest with every memory of hurt Phil.

Dan felt tears coming but right than the door open and Phil come into room sitting down next to Dan.

\- Dan, are you alright? - Phil put a hand on Dan's lower back.

\- Of course, why wouldn't I? - Dan smiled turning to look at Phil being so good at faking that he's fine that he didn't even give Phil a chance to think otherwise.

Phil smiled leaning to to kiss Dan and Dan needed to fight so hard not to let tears come out feeling soft Phil's lips against his own cold ones.

Dan pulled Phil into sudden bear hug breathing in his scent.

\- I love you, I love you so so much... - Dan couldn't stop himself for murmuring it into Phil's hair making Phil smile.

\- I love you, baby. - Phil pulled Dan into his lap holding him even closer in the hug.

Dan felt Phil's heart beet against his chest, against his own heart beet.

Dan was in a battle of what to do next.

Dan simply didn't know what to do.

So he just closed his eyes and enjoyed the little moment he shared with Phil right now, right there leaving all worries for latter.

But he couldn't be fully calm because he knew that a big decision is coming.

It was just like a silence before storm.


	30. Chapter 30

\- Change of plans, we are going home tonight. I just remember that I have do something before my therapy. - Dan said picking up his bag ready to go.

Phil was a bit confused but didn't say anything.

They said their good byes and went to catch a train.

All the way home they didn't talk. More likely Dan didn't let that happen by plugging in his headphones right when they sit down in a train.

When they got home Dan trow his backpack down and turned to Phil.

\- We need to talk. - Dan start right away. - Look, Phil, today I understand something, this what we are doing right now, isn't right. We are great best friends who care about each other. But this, - Dan motion between them two, - this isn't right. We were just confused and nothing more. We can't keep fooling our self anymore. So lets end it. We are just two bros living together. Right, good talk. Good Night, Phil. - Dan rush to his bedroom without even waiting for a replay.

Everything in him was breaking, all he heard in that moment was sharp, glass breaking noise.

He shut the door behind him and locked them sliding down, feeling hot tears drowning him.

He couldn't breath.

 _It will be for the best._

Dan was replaying in his head over and over again trying to scream it loud enough to hear over damn breaking noise.

He felt like falling and he knew that he was actually falling, back to the Hell he come from.

Phil was standing in a complete shock, looking at the closed Dan's bedroom door.

The pure serious tone in Dan's voice and the blackness in his eyes made Phil believe that Dan actually meant every word he said.

Phil felt somehow empty.

He slowly moved to his own bedroom and lay down in his bed looking up at the ceiling thinking of what to do next.

He, for sure, needed to clear his head.

Phil didn't even notice himself packing his suitcase and walking out the door.

Short before midnight Dan finally picked himself up from the floor and crawl into his cold bed while Phil was walking through airport gates, taking his seat to fly to Florida.

They both looked up to the stars shining through the city lights under them and let tear slip down their cheeks before closing their eyes, praying to sleep to come before they fall apart.

It have been almost month since they last spoke to each other. Phil was in Florida and Dan was in London, they never called or text each other no matter how many times they type a message or cover their fingers over dial button, in the end they never did, they stayed silent.

Phil got a notification with that one signal that was just for one person, Dan.

He picked his phone up even faster than his brain could register hoping for a text message from him, or something.

But it was just a notification for a new video being posted.

 _Knife in the Heart_

And in a tumbnail was Dan sitting to his piano with his head hung low.

Phil's heart skip a beat, he missed him so much.

Phil clicked the video turning sound on.

Dan was sitting down to piano, he looked at the camera and took a deep breath before looking down at the piano starting to play some unheard melody.

 _We fell in love way back before we were 18_

 _Fooling around_

 _Hurting each other_

 _We fell in love harder than falling down from Heaven to Hell_

 _With one look_

 _With one touch_

 _We pick each other up_

 _And break each other down_

 _By skin touching_

 _And words slipping_

 _We made our small bubble_

 _Our small Universe_

 _Like no one have ever_

 _We fell in love way back before we were 18_

 _We fell and fell_

 _Deeper with each day_

 _Deeper with each look_

 _We fell and fell_

 _With no way back_

 _Building each other_

 _And ruining each other_

 _In the same time_

 _No time could hold us_

 _No Universe too big_

 _Nothing could hold us_

 _With one look_

 _With one touch_

 _Slipping down to our knees_

 _Begging world to stop_

 _Just for a moment_

 _For a little moment_

 _To breath_

 _We fell in love way back before we were 18_

 _Without knowing consequences_

 _But with every breath_

 _We knew_

 _That in the end_

 _We would do it all over again_

 _All over again_

Tear was slipping down Dan's cheek when he looked up singing last words.

He looked so broken, so vulnerable.

And with that video had ended.

Phil sit there looking down on his phone seeing his tears hit the screen.

Dan have wrote a song.

Song about them.

Phil knew that he needed to get back home as fast as possible.

He needed to get back to his baby boy.

Phil run to the airport getting in the first plane back to London.

He couldn't wait to get back home to Dan.

When plane landed Phil run for his life, he just needed to get home as fast as possible.

How could he be that stupid to even leave in the first place.

Now he understand everything, how good Dan have been faking while talking these hard words and most important the reason why.

Phil rush into the apartment and went to search for Dan.

He saw Dan asleep in Phil's bed, hugging Phil's pillow tight to his chest.

Phil just jump into the bed and pulled Dan into bear like hug completely unaware what time it actually was in the London.

By doing that he woke Dan up and freak the hell out of him.

Dan screamed in sudden shock by someone grabbing him and pulling him to their body, he was freaking out till he breath in the scent.

 _Phil!_

Everything in him screamed.

Dan looked up seeing the most beautiful blue eyes looking back at him.

Dan couldn't stop himself, he pulled Phil into deep, hungry kiss.

Phil grasped fist full of Dan's hair pulling him even closer letting Dan crawl fully into Phil's lap.

Dan was gasping for breath with tears streaming down his cheeks.

Phil was holding his hands on Dan's cheeks, kissing away all the tears that come while Dan was murmuring his apologizes grasping into Phil even more and more.

They fall back into bed as one grasping to each other trying to get hold of as much as possible.

Sharing rush kisses murmuring something even they couldn't make out.

Felling simply so relieved to be in each other arms, letting all the past month tiredness take over them, falling in a deep sleep still holding on to each other.


	31. Chapter 31

\- Phil... Phil... please... please... - Dan's sobbing woke Phil up.

Phil sit up to see Dan curled in a ball on one side of the bed crying still deep in sleep.

\- Phil... - Dan's voice broke stopping his breathing.

\- Dan, Danny, - Phil tried to wake him up, pulling him close to his body.

\- Phil...? - Dan suck in sharp breath starting to breath again, opening his eyes, - please... please don't leave... - Dan choke out starting to shake.

\- Dan, I am here. Shh, I am here. - Phil was rocking them both to calm Dan down a bit.

Dan looked up with sadness filled eyes.

\- I'm here my baby boy, I won't go. - Phil pushed Dan's hair back.

Dan was just staring at Phil saying nothing but calming down.

\- I love you. - Dan whisper.

\- I love you, baby boy. - Phil smiled pulling Dan into kiss.

It felt like the simple kiss woke Dan up. He pulled Phil closer, falling back down in the bed with Phil on top of him.

They couldn't stop kissing, simply pouring their love over each other.

\- I missed you so much... - Dan murmured when they finally broke apart.

\- I missed you so damn much, I was such a fool. I'm sorry. - Phil pecked Dan on the tip of his nose.

\- I'm sorry, Phil, I though that it will be for the best, that you will be more happy without me on the way, that way I won't be able to hurt you any more. But I can't without you, Phil, I can't, you are too big part of me and if I can't be with you, I don't want to live at all. - Dan couldn't stop running his hands through Phil's hair.

\- When will you understand that we are better together? I love you too deep to be happy with someone who is not you. Please, next time just talk to me and try not to push me away. I'm sorry that I left without a fight, I'm sorry, baby. - Phil leaned down and kissed Dan.

\- You saw the video...? - Dan asked for some reason feeling afraid of the answer.

\- Yes, I loved it. It opened my eyes. - Phil smiled.

\- I just needed to get it out, a small part of my feelings for you, the heartbreak I felt... - Dan murmured getting lost in Phil's eyes.

\- I am so glad that you can play piano again, I love watching you play them. - Phil said starting to tickle Dan, watching how big smile grow on his lips when he trow his head back laughing.

\- Stop, not fair! - Dan screamed through the laugh trying to get away but Phil hold him close.

They both laugh till they were out of breath.

They start to laugh again when they heard Phil's stomach ramble.

\- I completely forgot about eating. - Phil said getting up.

\- I think there should be something that is still eatable in the kitchen, I really am not sure. - Dan slipped out of bed getting drowned in big, baggy sweater and trainers.

\- Did you got a bigger sweater? I think this one wasn't so baggy on you... - Phil asked hugging Dan from the back.

\- Nah, you just haven't seen me past month. Lets go see if there is something you can eat as breakfast. - Dan give small peck Phil on the cheek before walking away to the kitchen.

Something didn't seem right, but maybe Dan was right and Phil was just overreacting.

Phil followed Dan to the kitchen.

\- Well, there are some cereal left but no milk. Thank we have some pancake mix. Sorry, I haven't been shopping. - Dan turned around to face Phil.

Dark circles under Dan's eyes was jumping out even more in the bright daylight.

\- It's okay, we can go out and get something to eat. Like a small breakfast date. - Phil smiled pulling Dan closer to himself.

\- Sound nice. I'll just hop in quick shower. - Dan smiled pecking Phil on the lips and rushing away to the bathroom.

Phil smiled walking to his room to search for outfit to wear to their small date but than he got even better idea. He slipped into bathroom without making a sound and slipped into shower next to Dan scaring him a bit.

\- Shit, Phil! You scared me! - Dan said with small laugh rubbing shampoo in his hair.

\- I just though that after long flight I need shower, so I decide to join you. To save water of course. - Phil said with a small laugh taking shower gel and start to rub it over Dan.

\- Oh, good idea. - Dan smiled, closing his eyes feeling Phil's touches.

When Phil slid his hands over Dan's chest he felt bones sticking out that made him freeze right away. Phil turned Dan around finally facing his body without any clothes that was hiding the truth.

Phil's gasp made Dan open his eyes and his smile to wash away.

\- Dan... - Phil start but Dan cut him off.

\- It's nothing, Phil. Leave it. - Dan turned his back to Phil stepping under water to wash away all soap from his body.

\- Dan, It is not nothing... - Phil start again but Dan cut him off again by pulling him into kiss.

\- It's still me. Shush and let me wash you so we can go and get you something to eat. - Dan said sliding his hands down Phil's body making it hard to think.

Phil nod enjoying Dan's touch that disappear all too soon.

\- No time for a boner, Philly. - Dan laugh hoping out of the shower and draining his body before pulling clean clothes on before Phil get a chance to look over his skinny body once again.

\- I wasn't! - Phil start to put his own clothes on.

\- Oh, right. Couple more seconds and you would be moaning all over the place. - Dan smiled playfully smacking Phil's ass making Phil laugh.

\- Okay, fine. I just miss you. - Phil said pulling Dan closer.

\- No time for that now, lets go get you breakfasts. - Dan smiled pulling out of Phil's touch.

\- Okay, just wait till we get home. - Phil smiled following Dan out the door.

\- Than we will be doing a live show, no touching on the camera. Don't want to kill someone by accident. - Dan laugh.

\- Good point. Wait, why live show in the middle of day? - Phil asked a bit confused.

\- Don't know, just to show that you are back home? I just felt like I want to make a live show and you will join me. - Dan smiled at Phil.

\- Actually, that will be nice. I miss our audience. - Phil stopped in front of their favorite cafe.

\- Than we will make a hella fun show for them. - Dan smiled following Phil inside.

They sit down and scanned menu, choosing what to eat.

Phil ordered himself big breakfasts, he didn't notice before how hungry he actually was.

\- Just orange juice, nothing else. - Dan give back the menu.

\- Aren't you gonna eat something? - Phil asked in confuse.

\- Nah, not hungry. I will sip a glass of orange juice and watch you eat. - Dan smiled sitting back in his chair.

\- Dan, listen, I see that you have lost a lot of weight again. - Phil start sitting up straight.

\- Enough, Philip. - Dan said in cold voice looking straight to Phil making Phil slid back down in his seat. - Thank you. -

For some reason Phil felt shiver run down his spine hearing Dan's voice tone like that.

There was a moment of silence till waiter served their order.

\- Thank you. - Dan smiled being all polite again.

Phil start to eat while Dan sip his orange juice and watch him eat.

\- You look so lovely, - Dan smiled bringing his dimples out, he reach pushing Phil's hair out of his eyes.

Feeling Dan's soft touch made Phil smile.

\- Thank you. - Phil smiled looking down seeing that he have already eaten more than half of his food.

Dan smiled even more bringing out his phone and snapping a cute photo of Phil.

\- Dan! - Phil start to blush making Dan laugh and snap one more photo.

Phil reach out to grab Dan's phone but didn't let him putting one hand on Phil's chest feeling his heart beat, holding Phil back.

Phil got a quick idea in his mind, he put one hand on the back of Dan's neck pulling him close into quick kiss shocking Dan. Phil used that small moment as his weapon putting a bit of food in Dan's mouth and kissing him again right after leaving Dan without any choice but to swallow given food.

When Dan pulled back, Phil just smiled continuing eating his food like nothing happened.

Dan sit there in silence without showing any emotions.

\- Wasn't it tasty? - Phil asked with little smirk on his face, sucking sauce off of his finger tip making Dan's eyes getting darker with want.

Without noticing they leaned closer to each other till their noses was almost touching.

\- Taste it again to be sure. - Phil dip his finger into sauce putting it again Dan's lips.

Dan was so blown away that he sucked Phil's finger into his mouth without thinking and start to suck on it, scrubbing it with his teeth.

Phil smiled even bigger pulling his finger back dipping it into his food once again and putting it to Dan's lips. Dan sucked at it again without losing eye contact with Phil.

Dan's eyes have got almost black with want and hunger for Phil, it was amazing what such a small thing can do.

Phil pulled his finger back leaning close to Dan ready to kiss him but pulling back right when Dan was about to smack their lips together.

\- Eat half of the food on my plate and then, - Phil whisper to Dan softly biting his earlobe.

Dan nod seeing only Phil.

Phil smiled in pure happiness, starting to feed Dan.

Dan was eating without even noticing, he was in something trance like.

With every bite Dan took, Phil felt even more and more happy.

In no time Dan have finished everything that was on Phil's plate leaning closer to Phil ready for kiss but Phil put a hand against his lips.

\- Na-a, wait till we will be home. - Phil smiled standing up.

Dan stand up too following Phil outside like a lost puppy.

Phil couldn't help smiling how his little plan worked.

Right when they got into their flat Dan pushed Phil against the wall kissing him deeply.

Phil smiled putting his arms around Dan pulling him closer, answering the kiss.

\- So, the live show. Are we gonna start it now? - Phil asked smiling innocently.

\- What? - Dan asked in confusion tilting his head to one side.

\- You said that we are going live after we get back from eating. - Phil laugh keeping Dan into hug.

\- But you said... - Dan looked so lost for a moment till the realization hit him, - For fucks sake, Phil! - Dan pushed him back but Phil just laugh.

\- But it worked, didn't it? And look how happy it made you, you are rock hard. - Phil pulled Dan back close to himself.

\- You tricked me! That isn't fair! I told you that I am not hungry! - Dan was starting to get mad but Phil silent him with deep, soft kiss right on the lips.

Dan tried to say something more but Phil just kept kissing him till Dan was melting away in his touches.

Phil smiled picking Dan up.

\- Phil, no! - Dan trowed his arms around Phil's neck.

Phil just pulled him into another kiss, making his way to his bedroom.

They fall back into Phil's bed.

Phil start to kiss Dan's neck making him moan.

\- Phil... - Dan breath out closing his eyes.

Phil sit up starting to unbuckle Dan's jeans, pulling them off together with his boxers.

Dan tried to cover his body but Phil didn't let him.

\- I love you, no need to hide. For me, you are the most beautiful person ever existing. - Phil smiled pecking Dan on the lips before sliding down making Dan moan.

Dan missed Phil so much that it took just a couple minutes before Dan was coming down Phil's throat making Phil moan.

\- Fuck, sorry. Fuck. - Dan murmured when Phil pulled off.

\- No need to apologize. I enjoyed it, I kinda come into my pants. - Phil couldn't help but blush leaning down to kiss Dan.

\- I didn't even touch you, all I did was pull your hair a bit. - Dan let out small laugh before kissing Phil.

\- I just missed you too much. - Phil smiled getting up to clean them both.

Dan let Phil do everything, watching his every move.

Phil trowed him a pair of clean boxers putting one on himself.

\- So, lets do that live show. - Phil smiled stretching his arm out for Dan.

Dan took his hand in his and stand up following Phil to their living room sitting down on the couch, pulling Phil into one more kiss before they turned on the camera.

\- I and special someone is live now on younow! Come join us! - Dan tweeted sitting back in the couch leaving small space between him and Phil.

\- Hi! Look who's home! - Dan smiled pointing at Phil.

\- Hi, everyone! How are you all? - Phil smiled leaning a bit closer to the screen to read the chat log.

\- I'm so happy to see that almost all of you are saying good. - Phil smiled at the screen.

\- Yes, so, I though we could do a small Q&A right now. Ask us anything! - Dan smiled pulling a couch pillow into his lap.

Phil looked at Dan questioning but Dan just shake it off looking through all questions.

\- Phil, do you have a boyfriend? - Dan read out aloud looking at Phil for the answer.

\- Yes, I do. - Phil smiled.

\- Are you back with Alex? - Dan read the next question and couldn't help his jealously slipping in.

\- No, I and Alex didn't work out. Haven't seen or heard form him in months actually. - Phil shrug.

\- Sad, you two were beautiful couple. - Dan said with such weird tone.

Phil just looked at him questioning before putting a hand down on Dan's tight where camera couldn't see.

Dan looked down and than back up feeling already more calm.

\- Dan, your song, what was it about? - Phil read one of many questions.

\- Someone I love really deeply. You can skip asking who cuz I won't answer that. - Dan leaned even more back into couch.

\- When will there be new gaming video? -

\- Well, we haven't really had time to film any since I was in Florida for a month as you all noticed. - Phil slid his hand a bit closer to Dan's crotch making Dan suck in deeper breath.

\- Actually, I was planning that we could film one this evening. - Dan turned to Phil.

\- Yes, good idea. Just need to think of what game we will be playing. - Phil smiled at Dan.

\- Oh, I already choose one. - Dan smiled back turning to screen.

They kept answering many random questions, nothing too deep.

After a bit more than hour they were laughing their asses off trying to catch their breaths.

\- Uh, huh. I think that's it for today. - Dan choke out in between laughter.

\- Yeah, my stomach hurt from all the laughing. It was really good live show. Thank you everyone who come to chat with us. - Phil tried to calm down wiping away tear from laughing too hard.

\- Yes, it was a lot of fun. - Dan smiled.

\- Bye! - They both said in unison breaking out in another fit of laughter ending the live show and closing the laptop.

Dan leaned against Phil slowly calming down.

\- It was such a good laughing session. - Phil said calming down wrapping an arm around Dan's body.

\- Yes, I haven't laugh like this in such a long time. It felt so good. - Dan looked up at Phil still smiling, bringing out his dimples.

Phil smiled and leaned down kissing Dan.

Dan tried to cup Phil's cheek in his hand but it slipped down and fall in Phil's lap making Dan groan.

\- It's okay, baby. - Phil whisper kissing Dan.

\- They still don't work sometimes. I hate it. - Dan lean back against the couch.

\- Dan, it's perfectly normal. And actually, you did do a lot more than anyone expected you to do. Now you can move your arms almost like nothing have ever happened even when they give you like only 10% chance of ever feeling your arms. I am so proud of you, Dan. You are so so strong. - Phil said cupping Dan's cheeks in his hands making Dan look at him. - You never give up, that I love about you a lot. You are my stone, Dan. And no matter how hard day can be, in the end I am still damn proud of you and nothing can ever change that. -

\- But I failed so many times... - Dan was close to tears looking down at his skinny body.

\- It's okay. It's okay to be weak sometimes. We can't be strong all the time. Every scar on your body just show that you have been strong for a bit too long. Between everything we sometimes need to break down, cry everything out, scream every pain out. So the next day, we could be stronger than before. We are just humans with bodies too fragile and emotions too deep. And it's so much better than to be stone like heartless creatures. We are special and that make us beautiful. - Phil said wiping away Dan's tears.

\- I am so sorry! - Dan trowed himself into Phil's open arms.

\- It's okay, baby. It's okay. - Phil murmured hugging Dan close to his body.

Dan cried soaking Phil's shirt and murmuring his apologizes over and over again.

\- It's okay, it's okay. I love you. - Phil murmured back without letting Dan go. - I love you more than anything. I love you, my baby boy, I love you. -


	32. Chapter 32

When Phil woke up Dan already wasn't in bed, his side cold.

Phil jumped up in sudden panic, running out of his room to find Dan. But Dan was no where to be fund.

Phil was about to call him when Dan walked inside the door with bag in his hand.

\- Dan! - Phil rush to him and pulled him into bear like hug surprising Dan.

\- Good morning. - Dan laugh hugging Phil back.

\- I was so damn worried. - Phil murmured against Dan's neck.

\- For what? - Dan rub soothing circles on Phil's back to calm him down.

\- That you was gone… - Phil mumble breathing in Dan's scent to make sure that he was real.

\- I left you a note. - Dan sigh pulling Phil's head up to look him in the eyes. - I just went to shop to get us something to eat. Didn't want to wake you. I'm sorry. -

Phil nod pulling Dan into deep kiss. Dan wrapped one arm around Phil's waist pulling him even closer, feeling Phil's warmth seeping through Dan's clothes.

Phil run one hand through Dan's hair pulling at the end making Dan moan.

Without a seconds Phil was already pushing Dan against the wall making their kiss even deeper, sliding his hands under Dan's shirt, feeling the cold skin there.

Dan sigh into their kiss putting his hands on Phil's hips pushing him softly back.

\- Breakfast first, well, more like lunch. - Dan peck a small, innocent kiss on the tip of Phil's noise.

\- But Dan! - Phile whine.

\- No but's. Let's go. - Dan picked up the groceries bag from the floor walking to the kitchen making Phil to follow him.

Dan put everything in their places while Phil was making coffee for them.

\- Here, I bought us some salads to eat for lunch cuz we probably wouldn't want to make anything anyway. - Dan said sitting down.

\- Look delicious. Thank you. - Phil start to eat feeling actually really hungry.

Dan was watching Phil eating with little smile on his lips.

Phil looked up at Dan noding to the salad in front of Dan.

Dan sigh and slowly start to eat.

Phil saw how hard it was for Dan to eat it all but in the end he did it making Phil really happy.

\- I'm proud of you, my baby boy. - Phil whisper into Dan's ear when passing by.

Dan looked down with small blush on his pale cheeks making Phil let out joyful laugh.

Phil come up to Dan hugging him from behind and resting his chin on Dan's shoulder.

\- Do you want to film a video? - Phil asked leaving small trace over Dan's neck, behind his ear, into his hair with his nose tip making Dan shiver a bit.

\- Of course. - Dan turned arund pulling his arms around Phil's neck. - What type of video? -

\- Hm.. let me thing for a bit… - Phil said leaning close to Dan's lips, sharing their breath.

\- Kiss me… - Dan for some reason didn't talk louder than a whisper.

\- I don't think that it would be appropriate video for youtube… - Phil murmured with their lips almost touching.

\- Now, not in the video, kiss me now… Please. - Dan breath out wanting to feel Phil's lips against his own blue ones.

\- Want me so bad? - Phil mumble slightly brushing his lip against Dan's making Dan sigh.

\- Always… - He breath out.

Phil smiled pulling Dan into soft and innocent kiss that end all too soon for Dan's liking.

\- More… - Dan breath out almost without any sound.

\- You are so needy. - Phil smiled grabbing Dan's bum and pulling him up into his lap making Dan yelp wrapping his legs around Phil's waist.

Dan pushed his body even closer against Phil's to feel safer.

Phil leaned down kissing Dan properly on the lips this time.

\- I love you. - slipped over Dan's lips in the middle of their kiss.

\- I love you, baby boy. - Phil murmured back kissing Dan a bit stronger.

Dan enjoyed feeling Phil's lips against his. He missed this feeling. He missed Phil damn too much. Almost all the time while Phil was away, Dan have slept in Phil's room, hugging Phil's pillow, trying to get hold of Phil's scent. Dan felt so happy that Phil was back again, back in his arms. Dan was so happy to call Phil his again. But wait, they actually didn't declare anything of getting back together…

\- Phil, - Dan pulled away sounding all worried.

\- What? What happened? - Phil start to worry too.

\- We didn't really get back together. Does that mean that you aren't my boyfriend? Are you single now? - Dan was rambling all too fast.

\- Wait, stop. - Phil put Dan down on his own legs infront of Phil. - Dan, stop. You are worrying too much. We are back together, we are boyfriends, okay? Calm down. - Phil said cupping Dan's cheeks.

\- Okay, yeah… - Dan nod pulling Phil into hug.

Phil hold him close till Dan calmed fully down, than he put small kiss on his lips making Dan smile again.

\- So, the video. Do you want to play some games? - Phil asked looking Dan in the eyes.

\- Yes, I could beat you in a mario cart. - a devilish smile apperd on Dan's lips making Phil laugh.

\- If you say so. - Phil laugh slapping Dan's ass playfully. - Wait, aren't you suppost to have your therapy tonight? -

\- No, they ended a bit after you left. So let's go. - Dan smiled running to the gaming room to get everything ready.

Phil just shake his head following his boyfriend.

It's been hours since they sit down and start playing, they just couldn't stop. Even after recording was done, Dan needed to keep going and wreck Phil's ass, as he said.

\- Fuck you fucking fuck! - Dan screamed at the screen ready to trow his controler over a room but Phil stopped him laughing.

\- Calm down, you still are on the first place. - Phil couldn't stop laughing, earning a stern look from Dan.

Phil just laugh more putting controlers down and pulling Dan closer.

\- And for me, you are always a winner. - Phil said in soft voice pulling Dan into kiss that melt all the anger away.

Dan was about to climb into Phil's lap when his phone start to ring.

\- Ugh. - Dan sigh getting up to take the call.

Phil put everything down and saved the video while Dan was talking to the phone.

\- Phil! We are going to the party! - Dan announce walking back into room.

\- What party? - Phil turned to face Dan without understanding a thing.

\- I just got an invite, well, we got. Couple of our friends are making a birthday party for Cris and Tony. So we are going too. - Dan said with a smile stopping between Phil's legs, wrapping his arms around Phil's neck.

\- Dan, I don't think that it's a good idea. - Phil put his arms around Dan's waist pulling him a bit closer.

\- Why not? It's rare that we go out to do something. This is a good chance. - Dan said starting to play with Phil's hair.

\- I know, but Dan, I don't think that you are in a good state to party. - Phil tried to choose his words carefully but still making his point.

\- What are you saying? I'm okay. My arms do move. See, I am playing with your hair now. - Dan said looking down into Phil's blue eyes.

\- I see that, but still, I don't want anything bad to happen. And everyone will probably just get drunk as always. - Phil sigh.

\- Phil, you worry too much. Does that come when you cross 30 age line? - Dan laugh making Phil shake his head.

\- Oh, shut up. Soon you will be there too. - Phil said sticking out his tongue at Dan.

\- I won't be that grumpy. - Dan said with smile on his lips.

\- True, because you already are. - Phil said playfully slapping Dan's ass.

\- No, I'm not! - Dan was close to laughing.

\- Yes, you are. - Phil said with a smile.

\- Nah. - Dan keep going.

\- Yah. - Phil was close to laughing.

\- Naa. -

\- Yaa. -

\- Naa. -

\- Yaa. -

\- Yaa? - Dan couldn't hold his laughter.

\- Yaa. - Phil start laughing too.

They both laugh for good 5 minutes before calming down.

\- But we are still going to that party. - Dan stick his tongue out at Phil.

\- If it make you so happy than let it be. - Phil said playfully slapping Dan's ass and pulling him down for quick kiss.

\- Yey, get ready. We are leaving in 30. - Dan said walking away with big smile on his lips.

Phil just shake his head turning back to computer to save everything before walking to his room to get ready.

Right after 30 minutes Dan walked out of his room dressed in black, ripped skinny jeans and silvery black button up shirt with his hair pushed back.

Phil couldn't help his jaw hanging open seeing his boyfriend like this.

\- Fuck, you look so sexy. - Phil gasp out still not believing his eyes.

\- Thanks, you look cute as always. - Dan let out small laugh pulling Phil into quick kiss. - Time to go. -

Dan smiled looking down at Phil and led them to the taxi waiting outside.

Soon they were in the middle of kinda huge party that take up all the house and backyard around the pool.

They both got sucked into cheerful talks and good music playing, with drinks being shoved in their hands.

After couple hours they both have already drank more than they tend to in the start but it didn't matter since they were having a really good time, dancing and laughing, singing to their favorite songs when they start to play.

They both was laughing so hard that their stomacks was hurting a bit.

Phil didn't regret that he agreed to come to this party because it have been a really long time since he have saw that joyful spark in Dan's eyes, lighting up his whole body.

Phil was eating something like tortilla when all of sudden Dan wrapped his arms around Phil from behind pulling Phil lean against Dan's chest.

Phil pulled his tortilla up as asking Dan if he wanted to take a bite. Dan smiled leaning down and taking a big bite, but when he pulled away some sauce dropped from his chin down on Phil's shirt making his laugh.

\- Dan! - Phil sit up laughing.

\- Sorry not sorry. - Dan mumble with full mouth still laughing.

\- You will pay for this. - Phil said leaning back against Dan's chest.

\- Of course, now give me anothe bite, that shit is tasty. - Dan said leaning down trying to get another bite from Phil's food making Phil shake his head and laugh.

When they finish eating they both was a big mess, just by looking down at the mess they made, they burst out laughing.

Dan stand up stumbling on his own feet making Phil laugh even more. Dan pulled him up close to his own body.

Dan looked down on Phil's lips than back up at his eyes making Phil smile before pulling Dan down into a sloppy kiss making them both burst out laughing again.

\- We're dirty. Need to do something about it. - Dan shooted through the music making Phil laugh being abit confused.

Dan smiled devilish smile before starting to walk backward pulling Phil with him.

Phil felt even more confuse till he saw that they are on the very edge of the pool. He gasped in the shok when they fell into the pool hearing Dan laughing.

Phil suck in deep breath when his head was above the water again hitting Dan on the shoulder making Dan laugh even more.

They start to splash water at each other laughing hard like little kids before Dan pulled Phil into deep kiss.

Phil smiled pulling his arms around Dan's shoulders to feel him even closer.

Dan smiled in the kiss slidding his hands under Phil's shirt.

Phil shake his head still smiling, looking deep in Dan's eyes.

Dan smiled kissing him one more time before getting out of the pool with Phil following him.

They went inside grabbing a couple more drink before they start to feel really tired and choose that it was good time to actually go home.

When they walked back outside it was already light with sun starting to come out.

Dan shiver feeling small wind run over his half wet body.

Phil pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around Dan's body to give him some heat.

After small, silent walk through the park they finally catch a taxi slipping in the warm car.

Dan leaned against Phil putting his head on his sholder, closing his eyes.

All the way to home Phil was watching Dan and playing with his curly hair.

When they got home Dan was already in his joyful state trying to undress Phil even before they got in their apartment making them both laugh.

\- Sush, you will wake up all the neighbors. - Phil was trying not to laugh locking the door behind them while Dan was pulling him from behind closer to his body.

\- I don't care. - Dan laugh finally pulling Phil into his arms and kissing him deeply.

Phil smiled wrapping his arms around Dan's waist. Dan smiled pulling him to the bedroom stumbling over his own feet too many times making them both burst out laughing.

They almost fell into Phil's bedroom, holding each other up, trying to stop laughing so hard.

Phil sit Dan down starting to unbotton his shirt while Dan was unbottoning Phil's. They both undress each other with small kisses here and there, and with a lot of laughing of how extra clumsy they were.

They fell back into bed crawling closer to each other with want to feel their bodies pressed together.

They were just laying there in each other open arms, looking at each other with joy filling their eyes.

They still laugh a lot, playing with each other hair and sharing innocent, love full kisses with sun starting to shine into their window making them both look like they were colored in gold strings.

They watched each other in silence, taking in as much as possible of the pure beauty in front their eyes.

They didn't even notice when their eyes closed and sleep took over, but for once they felt fully happy, sleeping in each other arms with sun shining over their bodies, connecting them in their souls even more than before.


	33. Chapter 33

_**Chapter 33**_

Dan haven't slept so good in a long time. When he woke up he spend a lot of time simply laying there without moving, watching Phil sleep.

For once Dan didn't feel broken. He felt complete.

All thanks to Phil.

Dan didn't have any hangover, he never had one. Maybe a bit of a headache but not complete hungover.

But he knew that Phil will have a massive one, he felt it.

Dan slowly slid out of bed making sure not to wake up Phil.

Dan open the window letting in fresh air, he breathed in deep enjoying the scent that come after rain wash all the dirt away.

Dan smiled walking to the kitchen to make them breakfast and hungover cure for Phil.

He let the music play softly while he played memories of last night back in his head.

He loved how playful they were back there.

Phil sharing his food with Dan and then Phil's surprised expression when Dan pulled them into swimming pool.

Dan let the little laugh out setting everything on the table.

Dan checked the time to see that it was already almost lunch time so he went back to Phil's bedroom to wake him up.

Phil was still asleep, hugging pillow Dan have slept on.

Dan took a cute photo before slipping back in the bed against Phil, wrapping his arms around Phil's hot body, closing his eyes, feeling the warmth radiating into his skin.

Dan breath in Phil's scent not really wanting to wake him up, Phil looked so cute sleeping like this.

Dan pecked a little kiss on the back of Phil's neck, slowly moving to the front, kissing his jawline and making his way to Phil's lips.

Small kiss was placed on the corner of Phil's lips earning Phil to pull his lips out for more, bigger, proper kiss.

Dan smiled leaning in and kissing Phil.

Phil answer still being half asleep.

Dreams was mixing with reality.

But it didn't stop Phil to turn around and wrap his arms around Dan's body pulling him closer.

Dan smiled feeling Phil's warmth seeping into his body.

They kept kissing till Phil was finally fully awake.

Dan smiled down at Phil when he opened his eyes meeting sweet brown ones.

\- Good morning, sleepy head. - Dan smiled pecking Phil's lips.

\- 'Morning babey… - Phil murmured in raspy deep voice.

Dan lean down kissing him once more before getting up and earing a groan from Phil.

\- Time to wake up, I made breakfast, so come on. - Dan was still holding Phil's hand in his, smiling down at Phil.

Phil murmured something not really making out any words but he still sit up, groaning in pain.

\- I knew that you will have a hangover, come. - Dan softly pulled Phil out of bed and dragged him to the kitchen sitting him down and sliding glass to him to drink.

\- What's this? - Phil asked looking at the full glass.

\- A cure for hangover. Drink and you will feel better. It's nothing big. A bit of vodka, tomato juice and some other stuff. Drink up so we can start eating. - Dan said pecking Phil's cheek sitting down himself.

Phil looked at Dan for moment but then drink his glass.

\- See, you're alive. - Dan said laughing about Phil's expression.

\- Aren't you gonna drink one too? - Phil asked pulling his coffee closer to him.

\- Nop, I don't have a hungover. - Dan said starting to eat their breakfast.

Phil nod, closing his eyes, enjoying his coffee.

Dan didn't talk during breakfast, he give Phil time to wake up.

Dan finish breakfast much faster than Phil, it was still hard for him to eat, but he tried his best just to make Phil happy.

Phil enjoyed the food and extra coffee, his hangover starting to slip away.

After breakfast he already felt much better and seeing Dan eat at least half of his breakfast, made him even more happier.

Phil pulled Dan in between his legs, kissing him softly but deep enough.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's neck answering the kiss and already feeling better, letting struggle with eating slip away for latter.

They both smiled in the kiss.

\- Are you feeling better? - Dan asked starting to play with Phil's hair.

\- Yes, thank you so much! And thank you for pulling me to that party, it was a lot of fun. - Phil smiled holding his arms around Dan's waist, looking up at him.

\- See, and you didn't want to go. Ai, ai, ai, Phil. - Dan start to laugh making Phil join in before bringing Dan down for another soft kiss.

\- I love you. - Phil whisper with his eyes still closed and his lips sligty brushing against Dan's.

\- I love you. - Dan murmured pushing their lips back together, this time in a deeper kiss.

They kiss for a moment longer before Dan smiled slipping out of Phil's hug starting to put away all the dishes.

\- But I wanted to cuddle… - Phil whined making Dan laugh.

\- Then go get bed or couch ready! - Dan laugh, catching Phil's whole face lighting up.

\- Oki doki! - Phil said getting up and walking out the kitchen.

Dan shake his head still smiling before finishing dishes.

Phil got couple pillows and blanket, putting it all on the couch ready for Dan to come cuddle with him.

Dan come to the room to see Phil already choosing what to watch.

Dan hug him from behind putting a small kiss on his neck, breathing in Phil's scent.

\- mmm… - Phil close his eyes leaning back into Dan's touch.

\- Did you choose what you want to watch? - Dan murmured close to Phil's ear.

\- Mhm… - Phil nod tilting his head back for a kiss.

Dan smiled and leaned in, kissing him sweetly making Phil melt away.

Dan smiled, pulling Phil down with him, laying down on the couch.

Phil murmured something without real meaning snuggling closer to Dan's chest, positioning his body between Dan's legs.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's body, planting a soft kiss on the top of Phil's head feeling Phil's arms hug Dan's body.

They watch movie for a little before Dan notices that Phil have fallen asleep, looking all cute.

Dan couldn't resist his urge to take out his phone and snap couple cute photos of them like this.

It was their cute, little perfect moment.

Dan made a mental note to print that photo out latter.

He enjoyed every second of this moment, because for once every little piece was put back together and everything was calm and nice.

After a little moment longer Dan ditched watching tv to wath sleeping beauty, Phil.

In that moment Dan knew for sure that this was what he wanted to see every morning, all his life when he wake up.

He wanted a future.

Future with Phil.

Dan let smile play on his lips a bit longer than usual simply getting lost in the peace full moment.

Phil woke up feeling a lot better, he felt so comfy and warm that he didn't even want to move.

He slowly opened his eyes to see warm, brown ones looking back at him, making him smile.

Phil slowly moved a bit more up and place a sleepy kiss on the corner of Dan's mouth making him laugh.

And that sound, that sound made Phil's heart warm, he loved hearing it.

So without even thinking Phil got up, sitting between Dan's legs and start to tickle him earning big scream kind of laugh from Dan who tried to catch Phil's hands to stop him.

They both couldn't stop laughing, soon falling off the couch that made them laugh even harder.

They didn't notice when they stopped and was just staring each other in the eyes, pouring all the love between them.

They both pulled each other closer in the same time, connecting their lips in deep, meaningful kiss.

They both was breathless but they just couldn't stop connecting, sharing their love and joy.

When there was really no air left in their lungs, they break apart gasping for breath but when their eyes met they break out laughing once again.

They spend all evening like that, just being fully happy.

Through all day they have laugh so much that when the bedtime come, they felt exhausted.

They both fell into bed, cuddling close to each other as soon as possible, murmuring sweet nothings while letting their lips play together for a little moment longer before sleep took over them.

First thing in the morning what Dan did was to print out lil collage of the photos he took yesterday and frame them, putting them where they both will see them all the time.

Dan still felt happy from the yesterday and just by looking at the cute photos made him smile.

Dan made them both breakfast taking them to their room to surprise and treat Phil a little.

Phil woke up feeling small kisses being placed all over his face, making him smile right away and pull Dan down into sleepy hug and proper kiss on the lips.

\- Mmm, good morning, babe. I made breakfast for both of us. - Dan murmured not really wanting to pull away from the kiss.

\- Mmmm, you are so sweet. I might get used to this. - Phil said slowly sitting up but not before kissing Dan once more.

\- It is my pleasure to treat you well. - Dan said putting breakfast tray in the Phil's lap.

They both eat their breakfast chatting about random things and laughing more than it would be safe while eating but only thing that matter there was that they was truly happy.


	34. Chapter 34

_**Chapter 34**_

\- Philly, get your most sexy outfit ready, we are going to party! Well, to the club, but still. - Dan said, sitting down into Phil's lap, wrapping his arms around Phil's neck.

\- Club? - Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's waist.

\- Yep, since I'm back, I feel like going out and doing some fun stuff. - Dan said leaning down closer to Phil.

\- It's nice. We can go, I feel like dancing too. And you look extra sexy in a club, so it's a win for me. - Phil smiled, letting his hand slide down, letting it slide over Dan's ass while Dan was leaning down to kiss Phil.

The kiss became deeper than it was actually meant to be at the start.

They both smiled into the kiss, starting to giggle.

Dan then kissed Phil's jaw, traveling closer to Phil's ear.

\- Will you put on something sexy? - Dan whispered into Phil's ear, taking his earlobe in between his teeth and making Phil's eyes shut.

\- For you, of course… - Phil breathed out, pulling Dan even closer to himself, squeezing his ass.

\- Don't get dirty, we need to actually get to the club, not end up fucking on the couch. - Dan laughed, smashing his lips against Phil's.

Phil didn't say anything, he answered the kiss instead, making it a bit deeper, not being able to control himself around Dan.

They kissed for a moment longer before Dan finally stood up, smiling down at Phil and walking away to his room, to get ready.

Phil smiled, watching Dan walk away.

He felt completely happy to have Dan as his boyfriend.

He had waited for this moment for so long, that now it felt so exciting.

Phil got up and walked to his own bedroom to find what he should wear.

After a couple of minutes, Dan walked into Phil's room already fully dressed.

\- All in black, of course. - Phil let out small laugh, shaking his head while putting on a shirt.

\- All colourful, of course. - Dan laughed back, walking close to Phil and starting to button up his shirt.

Phil placed his hands on Dan's hips, looking up at Dan, taking in how beautiful he looked.

Dan looked straight into Phil's eyes, a big smile spreading on his lips.

Phil smiled, pulling Dan a bit closer to place a loving kiss on his soft lips.

Dan let his hands run over Phil's chest before letting one run into Phil's hair.

\- If we will continue like this, we will end up in your bed, not the club. - Dan murmured into their kiss, not really wanting to stop.

Phil just laughed, playfully pushing Dan away, making him laugh too.

They walked outside hand in hand, still giggling like children.

When they go to the club they went to the dancing floor straight away.

Both feeling more flirty than usual, they let small touches happen here and there, feeling simply happy with each other.

They had no idea how long it had been but it felt like hours and hours of pure joy before they both were a bit out of breath.

Dan was holding his hands on Phil's hips, letting one slide down to his ass, pulling him even more closer, letting them press together fully.

\- I'm going to the restroom, I'll be back in a min. - Dan leaned close to Phil's ear so he would be able to hear Dan over the loud music.

\- Okay, I'm gonna get us something to drink. - Phil smiled, nodding.

Dan pecked Phil's lips before walking away.

Phil walked to the bar, waiting for the bartender to finish making someone's drink and take his order.

\- Hey there. - A young man, more like a boy, leaned against bar right next to Phil, facing him.

\- Hi. - Phil smiled, not really paying attention.

The boy was clearly checking Phil out but Phil really didn't care.

\- Is there something you want? - Phil turned to face the boy in front of him.

\- Hm, you. - The boy bit his lips, starting to flirt with Phil.

Phil tried his best to stay polite, wanting to get away as fast as possible, but it looked like the stupid bartender was noticing everyone except for him.

\- Look, I don't want to be rude, but you really aren't my type. - Phil tried to tell the boy who leaned closer to him, to hear.

\- I'm sure we can work that out. - The boy said, letting one hand slide down to Phil's ass, grabbing it, making Phil jump in surprise, which led to him pressing even closer to the boy.

\- HEY! Get your fucking hands of my boyfriend! - Dan yelled behind Phil, pushing the boy off of him and, before the boy could react, punching him right in the face.

The boy fell down on the floor but that didn't stop the flaming anger inside Dan, he got on top of the boy and kept punching him over and over.

\- Dan! Please stop! Dan! - Phil tried to get Dan off of the boy but it looked like Dan didn't hear him at all.

Dan was flaming in anger, letting it all pour out with punches until security pulled him off the boy who was all bloody and almost not moving at all.

Dan struggled for the moment, still wanting to end that boy.

Security threw him out of the club, yelling at him not to come back.

Phil followed, feeling a little afraid to touch Dan.

Dan was still really angry and Phil knew that one wrong move would make it all pour over him.

\- Dan… I wasn't… I really wasn't… I was just waiting for that stupid bartender to pay attention and he just stopped there starting to flirt and I told him that he is not my type but then he grabbed me… Dan… - Phil tried his best to explain.

\- Told him that he is not your type?! Why the fuck couldn't you have just said that you were taken?! Why didn't you push him away?! Why, Phil?! - Dan turned to face Phil, still in flaming anger.

\- I… I… I don't know… Dan… - Phil saw that now sadness was mixing together with anger in Dan's eyes.

\- Fuck, Phil. Do you even know how hurt I was to see his hands all over you? - Dan stepped closer to Phil, looking straight in his eyes.

\- I can imagine, it would hurt me a lot to see someone touching you… I'm sorry… - Phil wanted to look away but he didn't want to break eye contact.

\- I was ready to kill him just because of it. And when I saw your unpleasant face… I just… I lost it… - Dan looked down at his bloody hands.

\- I know, I know… - Phil slowly reached out his arms for Dan but Dan shook his head, stepping away.

It was like a stab to Phil's heart.

He understood that Dan was hurt and that was why he was pushing Phil away now, but it still hurt so much.

\- Let's go home… - Dan murmured, starting to walk away.

\- Wait, let's grab a taxi, it will be faster. - Phil started to follow Dan.

Dan just nodded, starting to get lost in his own mind.

The drive back home was filled with tense silence.

Dan was drifting even deeper and deeper in his mind.

Phil was watching Dan, feeling guilty. Guilty about how Dan felt and guilty about what he had done to the poor boy.

When they got home Dan walked straight to the bathroom, starting to wash off all the blood just to see how damaged his knuckles where.

Phil walked into the bathroom with their first aid kit in his hands, setting it down and stopping behind Dan, watching him through the mirror.

Phil took a deep breath before slowly wrapping his arms around Dan's waist, just to see Dan close his eyes and tense a bit into the touch, but say nothing.

Dan was washing his hands for what seemed like the tenth time already, it just didn't feel enough, all the burning wasn't enough, all the new bleeding wasn't enough.

With every new soap stroke, he felt closer and closer to breaking down.

Phil felt Dan drifting to breaking down so he slowly turned Dan around, pulling him into tight hug.

Dan breathed in Phil's scent, calming down a bit.

\- It's okay… I'm here with you… It's okay, baby boy, it's okay… - Phil murmured in his ear, letting one hand run through Dan's hair to calm him down even more.

All of sudden, Dan felt so damn tired, he wanted to stay wrapped around Phil and just sleep.

Phil sat Dan down on the toilet and started cleaning his bruised knuckles.

Dan watched Phil take care of him, feeling warm inside.

When Phil was finished, Dan pulled him up into a kiss.

It was deep and full of many different feelings, but the strongest of them all was pure love.

Phil pulled Dan up, closer to himself, wrapping his arms around Dan, kissing deeper.

They kissed for a couple of minutes, letting the kisses get deeper and deeper with each minute before breaking apart, breathing heavily.

\- Let's go to sleep, I feel really tired… - Dan murmued, pulling Phil into one more kiss.

Phil hummed into the kiss, picking Dan up and walking to the bed.

Dan didn't let them break apart this time, continuing the kiss a bit longer until they really were out of breath.

Phil was still on top of Dan, they were both looking deep into each other eyes.

All of a sudden, they both started to giggle.

\- Ugh, we really are a crazy couple… - Dan shook his head, making Phil let out a laugh.

\- But we love each other a lot, so it doesn't matter. - He leaned down, placing a soft kiss on Dan's cheek, before sitting up.

\- Will you please undress me? - Dan asked without thinking.

\- What? - Phil's eyes widened, making Dan burst out laughing.

\- In a non-sexual way, you spork! I'm just too tired for it and you are on top of me. - Dan said, laughing, making Phil burst out laughing in realization.

\- Of course. - Phil choked out between his laughing, helping Dan to undress.

Dan yawned, sinking deeper into bed, letting his eyes close.

Phil put down Dan's clothes and turned around to see Dan already asleep.

Phil smiled, undressing himself and getting into bed next to Dan, letting sleep take over him too.

In the morning, Phil was woken by Dan cursing over and over again somewhere next to Phil.

Phil, still sleepy, put his glasses on to see Dan sitting on the other side of bed, with his back facing Phil, cursing under his breath while looking down at his hands.

\- Dan…? - Phil asked in a raspy, sleep-filled voice, sitting up, edging closer to Dan.

Dan turned around with tears in his eyes, making Phil fully awake.

\- Danny! What's wrong? - Phil was next to Dan in a second, pulling him into hug.

Dan buried his face against Phil's neck, not hugging Phil back, his arms staying in his lap just like before.

Phil start to get worried so he pulled Dan away for a bit, cupping his face in his hands to look in Dan's eyes.

\- What happened? Please tell me. - Phil tried his best not to worry too much, but with every silent second, he started to worry even more and more.

\- I can't move them… They just don't move… At all… I woke up and they just wouldn't move…. - Dan let a little sob out.

Phil looked down at Dan's hands before looking back up and pulling Dan into his lap.

\- They don't move, Phil… They don't move… - Dan was murmuring over and over again, breaking down.

\- Shh… It will be alright. You hear me? It will be alright, I promise. - Phil was hugging Dan even tighter to his chest.

Dan nodded, not really believing Phil but already feeling better that Phil was still with him.

Phil started to place small kisses all over Dan's face to make him feel better, even a little bit.

It worked, soon Dan was fully calm, leaning against Phil, feeling a bit sleepy.

\- Sleep, baby. It will help. - Phil said, lying back down into bed with Dan on top of him.

Dan closed his eyes, listening to Phil's heartbeat, slowly drifting away into sleep.

Phil was thinking really hard about what to do next but nothing was really coming to mind.

He needed to hope that it was just a small glitch and that Dan would be able to use his hands just like before.

Phil was staying still, letting Dan sleep, playing with Dan's hair, simply thinking.

Phil reached for his phone, unable to choose who he should text.

There was Alex, who could help.

And then there was Brian, who knew Dan's situation a bit better.

No matter who he chose to text, Phil was sure that it would piss Dan off.

But Phil needed to know what to do and what to expect.

So he took couple of deep breaths before typing out the text and sending it.

\- I'm sorry, baby… - Phil whispered, still playing with Dan's hair.

Phil's phone beeped with a new text.

He opened it up, reading through the new info, feeling relieved right away.

\- You will be alright. I will make sure of it. - Phil murmured, placing a small kiss on Dan's head before putting his phone down, letting himself drift back into sleep as well.


	35. Chapter 35

_**Chapter 35**_

Dan was woken up by Phil slowly placing him next to him in bed.

\- Mm? - Dan looked around, feeling a bit disorientated.

\- Shh, shh… I will be right back. Don't worry, baby. - Phil whispered in a soft tone, pulling the blanket around Dan before standing up and walking out of the bedroom.

Phil opened the door, letting Brian in.

\- He's in my bedroom, he slept all this time. - Phil lead him straight to where Dan was.

Dan was still laying down, simply looking up at the ceiling.

\- Hi, Dan. - Brian greeted him before sitting down on the bed.

\- What are you doing here? - Dan's mood went straight to annoyed.

\- Phil texted me. He was worried. Will you, please, allow me to check your arms? - Brian asked, reaching out his hand.

\- Why the fuck did you do that? And why do you have his number? - Dan asked with jealousy spreading through his body once again.

\- Dan, now's not the time to be jealous. Just let him check your arms. I was worried and you weren't feeling well. What else could I do? - Phil asked in a slightly sharper tone, letting his sadness be heard.

It made Dan shut up and nod to Brian.

Brian spent almost half an hour looking over Dan's arms, feeling all his muscles.

After that Dan felt extremly tired, wanting to just sit in the corner and sleep.

Brian stood up, walking out of the room with Phil following him.

\- Will he be okay? - Phil asked, still a bit worried.

\- Yes, he's twisted some muscles while hitting that guy. But now he should start to feel them again, at first they'll just tingle but then he'll be able to feel them and move them. If nothing happens by tomorrow, give me a call. - Brian said, putting on his jacket.

\- Okay… Thank you once again for coming. - Phil opened the door for Brian.

When Brian left, Phil went back to Dan.

Slowly cuddling next to an already half asleep Dan.

\- 'M still angry. - Dan mumbled without turning around.

\- Baby, I was just worried… - Phil snuck his arms around Dan's waist, pulling him even closer against him.

\- Why do you have his number? - Dan asked without opening his eyes, jealous notes sneaking into his voice.

\- I don't. I used your phone. - Phil pressed his face against Dan's neck.

\- What? - Dan opened his eyes, turning around to face Phil.

\- I didn't have his number. So I used your phone. I was just too worried and just knowing that it happened because of me… I just… I'm sorry… - Phil hung his head low.

\- Oh baby… I'm sorry. I got jealous… again… - Dan hung his head down too.

\- Oh, we really are one crazy couple. - Phil shook his head, pulling Dan into a soft kiss.

Dan answered the kiss, snuggling even closer to Phil, closing his eyes.

\- Sleep, baby boy. You need to rest. - Phil mumbled against Dan's hair, puting soft kisses on the top of his head.

Dan listened to Phil's heartbeat, slowly drifting into sleep.

Phil let Dan sleep, holding one arm around him while scrolling through social media on his phone.

After a couple of hours, Dan started to stretch, slowly waking up.

Phil leaned down, softly pushing his lips against Dan's.

Dan sighed softly against Phil's lips before starting to lean closer into a kiss.

Phil smiled, pulling one hand into Dan's hair, holding him close.

\- It's so nice to wake up with such a sweet kiss… - Dan mumbled when they broke apart.

\- Then let me kiss you a bit more. - Phil breathed out, pulling Dan back into their kiss.

Dan smiled, melting away against Phil's lips.

\- Come on, I'll make you something to eat. We haven't eaten since last evening. - Phil started to get up.

\- Wait, you haven't eaten anything? - Dan sat up.

\- Nah, I was too busy holding you. Don't worry. - Phil stretched out his hands for Dan.

\- You can't just go a day without eating. Phil, you need to eat regulary. - Dan furrowed his brows.

\- Just like you. Now c'mon, lets go eat. - Phil pulled Dan into a hug.

\- Don't even think about picking me up. I can walk myself. - Dan was a bit annoyed.

\- Okay, okay. - Phil laughed, letting Dan go.

Dan walked to the kitchen, sitting down while Phil cooked something easy for them to eat as dinner.

Dan was a bit annoyed at Phil needing to feed him.

\- Don't be so annoyed. It's just for now. You will get better in no time. - Phil pecked a soft kiss on Dan's cheek.

\- But still. - Dan mumbled, standing up.

\- Go lie down in bed. I have something special ready for you. Just wait for me. - Phil smiled before turning around to put their dishes into the sink.

\- Okay…? - Dan felt a bit confused but still listened to Phil, going and lying down in bed, simply waiting for Phil to finally come.

Phil came after maybe ten minutes, searching for something in his bedside drawer.

\- Turn onto your stomach, please. - Phil smiled at Dan.

Dan did as Phil said, feeling still confused, trying to see what Phil was doing.

Phil sat down on Dan's ass, with one leg on each side, letting his hands slide over Dan's back.

Dan closed his eyes, enjoying the simple touch, relaxing under Phil's hands.

\- Are you comfortable with me sitting like this? - Phil asked, still sliding his hands over Dan's back, pressing a bit harder.

\- Mmm, yeah. - Dan couldn't stop small moan coming out his mouth.

Phil giggled, leaning down, placing soft kiss on the back of Dan's neck.

By now Dan had fully relaxed under Phil, keeping his eyes closed.

Phil leaned back, starting to massage Dan's shoulders, earning yet another soft moan from Dan.

Soon, when Dan's shoulder and neck muscles were fully relaxed, Phil moved a bit lower, massaging his whole back.

When he started to massage Dan's lower back, Dan let out a bit painful but relieved moan, letting Phil know to massage a bit harder there.

Dan let out soft moans with every one of Phil's presses.

All of sudden Phil's hands were gone, making Dan sigh at the loss.

Something hot touched Dan's skin between his shoulder blades, making him yelp in surprise.

\- Shh, - Phil placed a soft kiss on Dan's neck, calming him down.

Soon another hot dot touched his skin, a bit lower, then another and another one.

Making a hot trail down Dan's spine.

Even when Dan knew that another one would come, he still couldn't stop himself from yelping out in surprise.

\- Shh…It's not that hot. They are made for this, so they are the perfect heat. Shush, baby boy. - Phil whispered in Dan's ear, making him shiver.

\- What is it? - Dan slowly opened his eyes to see a hot red candle in Phil's hand.

\- Do you want me to stop? - Phil asked, looking deep into Dan's brown eyes.

\- No, you can finish what you've started. I was just a bit taken aback. - Dan mumbled, closing his eyes once again.

Phil placed a soft kiss on Dan's cheek, continuing to plant a hot trail of candle wax over Dan's spine, still massaging Dan's back.

Soon Dan let out another soft moan, enjoying Phil's touch.

Every sensation started to get stronger and stronger for Dan, each little press, each hot dot.

And how Phil was sitting on his ass, his crotch pressing down.

His boxers were too thin for this.

Without even knowing, Dan pressed his ass back a bit, pressing it against Phil's crotch harder, earning a soft sigh from Phil.

\- Okay, I think that we're finished. - Phil giggled with a soft blush starting to creep onto his cheeks.

\- Whut? Already? - Dan opened his eyes.

\- Yup, your muscles are fully relaxed. - Phil put the candle down on his bedside drawer, leaning down, wiping away any last traces of wax with a wet wipe.

\- But what if I don't want you to get off? - Dan asked, waiting for Phil to finish before turning around, making Phil fall down on top of Dan.

\- Dan! - Phil yelped in surprise, catching himself at the last moment so he didn't crush Dan under him.

\- Yes? - Dan smiled, making his dimples come out.

\- You silly noodle, I could have crushed you. - Phil tried to keep a serious tone but a smile still made its way to his lips.

They both looked each other in the eyes, bursting out laughing.

Phil leaned down, softly kissing Dan.

Dan melted away into Phil's kiss, slowly moving his hand up, putting it against Phil's cheek.

Phil broke apart in sudden surprise.

\- Dan! You did it! You moved it again! My baby! You did it! You did it! - Phil pulled Dan into a tight hug, planting soft, fast kisses all over Dan's face, making Dan giggle.

\- I didn't even notice it myself. Thank you. - Dan slowly wrapped his arms around Phil into a sloppy hug.

\- I am so proud of you, baby. I love you! - Phil said in a joyful voice, meaning every word, making Dan feel warm inside.

\- I love you, Phil. I love you. - Dan answered, leaning even more into Phil's hug.


End file.
